pointing

in a circle we stand,
fingers pointed with both hands,
to the left and to the right
at those who think differently,

seeking to set them aright,

perhaps in the end
when all is said and done
none of us knows
what the hell we really understand.

a dose of unknowing perhaps is what is needed
for a listening ear to grow in place.

Family reunion

The children of not so long ago,
now have little-uns of there own,
so big and mature
who once ran around my knees,
nephews and nieces
now all grown.

It is all a blur at times for me;
you can see the passage of time
moving ever faster.

Laughter about the past,
yet underneath,
wondering,
if we will,
perhaps,
possibley,
be togeather like this again.

Yet we have this time to embrace,
joy to share,
love to give,
and yes jokes galore
about our past childhoods,
regaling those younger of our expolits.

They

Perhaps not believing we could,
the old ones
have ever been like them.

An unending chain,
for I once was the little one
thinking those adults so old
and I (?)
well,
I would always be young,
funny to even think about it,
since it was only a blink away.

Yes it is good,
life a blessing,
I would not take back one day.

 
 
 
Grasping sand



I suppose that the sequence we call time makes it so hat we cannot hold on to anything.  I have learned that the tighter I squeeze the more apparent this seems to become, the sand only seems to run out faster.  Perhaps holding on goes against the very fabric of reality leading to deep anxiety and fear.  I have a friend I am visiting with at this time.  He is 85 years old and starting to show signs of decline, which worries me a bit, for he is quite possibly the only mentor I have ever had.  He is a master at living and in showing compassion and love to all he meets.  He is a man who has traveled all over the world, speaks many languages and is known in influential circles.  Yet when he goes to a restaurant he treats the waiter or waitress with the same respect he showers on his powerful friends.  He can be very childlike in the best sense of the word and also a man of deep faith who lives it out quietly on a daily basis with no fanfare.  So I can get anxious when with him.  Is this the last time I will see him?  So I swim against reality, I fight temporality which only causes me to loss contact with what I have now.  Perhaps non-clinging is what truth is about.  In that we lose everything as we travel through life.  One little death after another, until the final one comes. Perhaps allowing the process is what leads to reality; that we hang over a void and one by one we must go into it, that dark door we call our demise. 

Where does the door lead?  No matter what faith we profess or philosophy, no one really knows what awaits us.  As a christian I have beliefs, but I have not had an NDE, so I go on faith and hope not on something I actually know.  Others believe in nothing after death, yet in the end the mystery remains.  St. John of the cross states that the closer we get to the infinite the darker it becomes because all images die, for the infinite is without form or content.  It is no-thing.  Language breaks down, it is almost impossible to talk about hence the misunderstanding that often happens when debate over the God issue is attempted.

Kubler Ross in a study found that the two groups that die most peacefully are those who live their faith and on the other side of the spectrum, those who believe in nothing and expect nothing after death.  It is the middle group that has the most trouble, those who believe but don't live it, or perhaps don't believe but do not really think it out.  In other words "practical atheist' have the hardest time dying.  Those who life 'as if' this is the only life, but have not thought it through.  

I find this to be true.  I have atheist friends who tell me they do not fear death, since they 'know' that there is simply nothing after they pass.  The same goes for my believing friends who live out their faith and also ponder it.  It is the non-pondering and the not deepening of ones beliefs that lead to a fear of death that can be truly overwhelming for some.  I am not speaking of agnostics in this paragraph, since they belong to a class all to themselves, and perhaps misunderstood more than both groups put together.

 
So ponder, think, talk with others who do, no matter what they believe.




 

 

Isolation and solitude

Solitude can be a double edge sword and I guess both sides have to be dealt with if the experiences is to be fruitful.  There is a basic aloneness that I think most people feel which at times can be quite acute, making the experiencer feel like a real outsider even if surrounded by friends.  It can be frightening for some, others can take it more in stride, especially if in the past they were able to deal with it in a creative way.  I would suppose it could be said that the only way out is to go in.  For this underlying aloneness I think is always present, it just comes up for air at times and in taking that breathe, it is then that it is felt.  I am of course speaking from my own experience and I can truthfully say that I do not do well with it.  When young I really had trouble with this existential situation, and now as I get older I think I have a handle on, more or less, perhaps 'less' being the operative word.

Yet I also know that it is important for me to respond, or attempt to in a manner that moves me forward and not into ways of seeking to escape a state that really can't be avoided for long.  Noise, music, keeping very busy can help a bit, yet in the end this inner feeling of aloneness will only resurface.  This space projected outward can feel like dead air, a place of nothingness because of the feeling of being disconnected.  It can also seem that ones experience is unique, which furthers the sense of isolation, even though this feeling is false, for again it is just part of our human condition. 

We can run from this, seeking even more activity and noise, which can lead to fatigue and depression.  What if one does not run, what happens?  At first there can be actual terror and discipline is needed to simply stop doing so much, letting go of distractions and allowing the silence to simply be.  Something good can happen once the fear of this isolation is let go of, for it will more often than not turn into solitude, which is something different altogether and very life giving allowing deep wells of energy to be released. 

In the silence something happens, a response is felt, and invitation gently proffered with no pressure either way.  I suppose I could use the word "God", but as Panakkar says; "God is a generic term for different theistic theories of God".  Usually a God that is outside, up there somewhere, different, distant even if thought of as love.  We may think of God as just another 'being' in a universe of beings, existening like us, just bigger, more loving and yes because this God is a being, can also be meaner and more wrathful than any human because of the power that is projected.  In other words, God is created in our image and likeness instead of we being made in God's image.  This is not the experience that solitude brings, but something different, nameless, deeper and more intimate than any of our projections placed on what we call God can offer.  Perhaps this is what is feared, for what we call God is often more idol than real, it can't be any other way.  Growth is knowing when to let go of these limited images of God.

Even among ourselves it can almost be impossible to understand one another.  The boxes we can put each other in do not hold us, for we are also deeply mysterious to ourselves and especially to others.  Though again, there can be a compulsion to try to freeze others into some sort of 'being' that is really death to any kind of relationship that has any depth.

I feel that my Christian faith is still a very young force in the world.  For indeed, if the simple so called things told us were lived out, well the world would change overnight.  Solitude allows us to slowly grow in understanding in what Jesus is asking of us, and not only Jesus but there are many other holy men and women from different traditions that say much the same thing as Jesus is reported to say.  I am not downplaying the role of Jesus, I can't being a Christian, but God is at work in the world in ways incomprehensible to us because, perhaps, we don't yet understand the messages given to us.  I believe that we have yet understood the message because we simply don't 'see'; again I am speaking more for myself than for others. 

People want abortion to go away, so they want laws to implement this.  However in the past before abortions was a 'right'
there were over a million illegal abortions done a year.  Laws will not do it.  Christians and other people of faith know that change can only come from the bottom up.  Not from the top down.  Community, support and acceptance of those who are in need would go along way in lessening the need for abortion.  Contempt, name calling and judgment is something Christians are not called to do.  Jesus mentioned that we should not judge, probably because we don't now how to 'see' as he did.  It is not simple, but if christians want a better society, then perhaps going deeper into some of the sayings of Jesus would help.  Love of self and neighbor, to treat others as one would want to be treated, in order to be understood takes a great deal of insight and self knowledge and in order to get that solitude and meditation are needed for that kind of self knowledge to grow and take root.

If ones faith cannot raise the ones professing it to consciously swim against the current of our present culture, to learn to deepen compassion and empathy for others, then they have nothing to really offer to those around them.  They will just  be absorb into the prevailing ideas of society that are unconsciously taken on and lived out.  The gospel can only be preached and heard if it is seen as something real, lived out in the nitty gritty everydayness of life and not something saved for Sunday.
 
So the practice of solitude has a deep communal value to it.  For in solitude we face our own inner demons, which leads to a greater understanding of others.  This deepens our ability to truly see others as brothers and sisters who accompany us on our way.  Not as someone to be self righteously judges and condemned.  One of the fruits of solitude is the growth in compassion for self, which is then applied to other 'selves'. 

People need to be 'seen', loved, embraced and accepted.  If that is missing then only then the status quo will remain for a time, then things will get worse slowly as the years pass.

Passage

There is more than one way to look at the meaning of our existence and that outlook will of course, if lived out consciously, dictate how that life is lived.  Our childhood will play some role in this, since parental beliefs in some form will be passed on; though, if they stick or not are always in question.  Today there are many competing philosophies and religious beliefs seeking our attention. From the most fundamentalist strands of religious conviction, too many who think along the lines of the ‘new atheist’.  Books stores have a plethora of literature waiting for those who seek a deeper understanding of their existence.  This seeking is not felt with the same intensity by all, but for those in which that search is central there is plenty out there to glean.

It is interesting to watch different beliefs being debated.  I know from watching my own reactions in the exchange, I will give more attention to the debater that is in more accord with my own belies than the one opposing.  However there is one thing I have noticed in a good debate (which is rare); both sides use logic and use it well.  In fact a good debater can switch sides and give a good argument from a perspective that he or she does believe.  In High Schools across the country, debate clubs do this all the time and from some of the debates I have attended, they do it very well. 

The whole ‘meaning of life thing’ has always been central to me and I guess I have spent most of my life just trying to understand what it is all about.  The frame work I use is my own freely chosen path; that of a Christian and a Catholic, to figure that out.  Others choose others ways to do this, some more consciously than others, some better than others.  I am not sure how well I am doing at this, for the older I get the mystery only seems to get deeper, drawing me ever more intensely into the search.  Perhaps the reason for this is my nihilistic bent; the irrational sense that below the floor that I am standing on, if ripped open will reveal absolute nothingness, into which all creation must one day disappear.  This is something that has been with me since my childhood.  I can remember being at my dad’s gas station situated in East St. Louis, looking over at a small bridge of some sort, that was dark underneath (at least it was at the time I saw it), and contemplating that was all there was, just a dark void underneath.   To say it terrified me is an understatement. 

I think one of the reasons I have remained a Catholic is due to the fact of my mother’s attitude towards my father’s faith.  She would make some comment about the church and I would go and study about it and come back with a refutation.  Then as we would discourse, she would come up with something else and again I would go and study the point and come back with an answer.  It was fun and I guess it kept me in the faith of my childhood.  However the study and search are still present, no one path can be exhausted, for as the roots deepen, the tree gets stronger and higher and the need to breathe freely only gets more vital. For I believe we are here for more reasons than just to pass on our DNA. 

I have read a great deal, more when I was younger than now, but reading is still central to my life.  In my early twenties I read Ayn Rand, Sartre, Camus and others; seeking to understand atheism and how it works.  I was fascinated by those who did not believe and wanted to find out how they lived their lives and the meaning they gave it.  After much reading I came to the conclusion that I am incapable of becoming an atheist. For even though existence can seem absurd much of the time with all of our scurrying about, the idea of God’s non-existence is even more absurd.  I don’t fear becoming an atheist; it just makes no sense to me.  I have a spiritual side to me that seeks relationship with something that will quench my thirst for the transcendent and my ongoing search for meaning.  For me to become an atheist would mean that I would have to amputate a part of my soul in order to believe that way; it would be maladaptive to say the least for me.  I know there are many who would disagree with me on this; which is fine. 

I am not sure how logical or rational we are as a species, though we are all capable of logical and rational thought.  However I do know we seek meaning for our lives and we all seek it uniquely.  The mistake that is made over and over again, and I am not exempting myself from this by any means, is that there seems to be a compulsion to look down on those who believe differently.  This has led to a great deal of suffering in the world.  World views are more emotional than logical, but logic is brought to the fore to defend any and all world views.  Which is the better view (?); well all we can do is to present what we believe and then let others decide.  We can also learn to listen without becoming defensive, which I think is a form of fear.  The world is getting very small and the conversation that is going on between people of different persuasions will only intensify.  Showing lack of respect of other points of view is the most common of our human failings.  To respect others is not a betrayal of ones beliefs, but in many cases the fruit of many paths.  If a path does not lead there, then it is a waste of time, since the outcome eventually will lead to more violence.  I suppose the ‘will to power’ is one of our greatest weaknesses. 

I love God intensely, Christ Jesus is my focus.  For me he is a revelation and the New Testament is a faith document worthy of my trust and belief.  Many find this offensive and there are a great many books out there that try to convince me otherwise about my faith.  Well there are also many tomes out there of great scholarship that back up what I believe.  I do know however that the study of other religions will open up ones eyes to the work of God in the world.  Jesus, who is God for me, is not a tribal deity.  He is the revelation of the unfathomable mystery that is always working in the world from the beginning until now. So simplistic attitudes of separateness, is just another human attitude shared by most that have deeply held beliefs and are afraid to listen and learn from others.  That should tell us something about what is at work when severe judgments’ are at work about others who think along different lines. Insults and put downs are used to keep an opponent off balance so that rational valid points don’t have to be listened to.  I have been the recipient as well as the one who has used this tactic in debate.  I always feel diminished when I do it, for it highlights my own tendency to arrogantly ascribe truth to myself, while looking down on someone of a different point of view.  It does not have to be religious.  I think politics is just as bad for debate, for like religion, it can bring out the worst in people.

Of course I doubt that we will evolve into a species that will actually be able to do that.  For even in being tolerant, in listening, it is most likely done from a position of superiority, even if not consciously averted to.  Or perhaps I am giving myself away here.  The human tendency to grasp ‘truth’ as if it was some kind of private commodity that applies to everyone is very common, and the more rigidly any kind of belief is held the more of a problem it becomes.  “What I believe now is the truth” is a lie that has caused many to go over into the realm of fanaticism.  Doubt is an important part of life; it is to be embraced, for it pushes us to deeper study and understanding and leads to an affinity for fellow seekers after the truth. 

Closed circle

When I wake up most mornings, I have a habit of looking immediately at my cell phone to see if there are any messages from Janet.  I would say she leaves me at least three messages, more at other times.  This morning was a record; there were eight.  I knew what they were about, since I did talk with her a few minutes yesterday afternoon about the chances of her boy friend calling her up and taking her out to dinner.  So I knew from the quantity of my voice mail that he did not.

Janet is someone on the fringe of society, not because she is living on the street, or lacks normal intelligence (in fact she is well above average in that department), or looks different than most others).  Out in public she acts ok, though perhaps a bit too open with those around her, asking strangers their opinion on what to buy etc.  For instances it will take her three hours to buy just a few items.  For one of her issues is she can’t seem to make any kind of decision until she talks to at least five other people about it.  I am always one of those people.

She is on certain kinds of medications to help her with her anxiety, for she does have a serious disorder in that regard and because of that everything is an emergency, no matter what it is.  If her phone goes out she has to let everyone know how horrible it is. Just about anything that affects her can set her off into sending out all kind of urgent messages to those who have the patience to at listen to part of them.  For if she sends three, six, or like tonight eight messages, they are repeats of the first.

She has a boyfriend, let’s call him Joe, who seems normal when you first meet him.  Though later you can see that he is compulsively driven, works very long hours and then at times will volunteer to work overtime just to get more money.  He is generous with others, but it is of the compulsive kind, so he is often angry, has been married two times before he met Janet and will ignore her for long periods of time.  For instance he did not show up for the prearranged date and did not call to explain himself. This happens over and over again.  Each time this occurs Janet is devastated and Joe does not seem to have any indication on what he is doing to her. 

She is an older woman, now seventy, though she looks younger, and is still quite pretty.  She fears aging, so on her birthday it is always her fifty ninth, kind of a joke with the both of us.  So yes her life sucks in many ways.  She lives in a motel, has been there for the last six years, just a small room, with a very tiny kitchenette, but for her it is home.  Different people do help her with the rent, and from time to time help to fix her car.  Her mental condition can’t take all the blame for her life as it is lived now, but I think she is still worthy of help and yes love and consideration.

Got a call from her daughter last week asking about Janet, who she has not seen for the last six years and would like to get back in touch with her mother. Janet’s brother gave her my phone number with my permission, so I was expecting the call.    Now, Janet tells everyone that when she lived with her daughter they were abusive towards her and has all kind of stories to back it up.  In the beginning I did not know what to think of her memories with her family and I guess I believed at least some of it.  However the more I got to know Janet, the more I began to understand that she could drive anyone crazy who actually had to share a home or apartment with her.  So yes in families things can be said and done that are cruel and abusive  Since Janet feels that she is correct in her remembering, and thinks she was the victim, she wants nothing more to do with her daughter; is in fact terrified about seeing her. 

So I talked with her daughter (Pam) who seemed to be normal on the phone.  She just wants to get back in touch with her mother for she knows she is getting old and is worried about her.  She finally kicked her abusive husband out of the house and is trying to get her life back on track.  She is having some serious health problems and cannot work, though she is getting some disability for her problem.  Her sixteen year old daughter is working just trying to keep the lights on in the house and they are behind in their rent.  She took a big chance in getting her husband out of the house, but in spite of the struggles, she does not want him back, neither does her daughter.  My heart went out to her but I had to tell her the truth about the desires of her mother not wanting to see her.  I also told her that I did not believe all the stories Janet told me about the abusive treatment she says she went through.  Her daughter told me that any time they tried to ask Janet for just a little bit of help she would yell at them and then back off into her room.  Janet, like she does now, slept all day and got up late evening, so really there was not much exchange.  So yes with Pam having to deal with an abusive husband and a mother who has some serious emotional and mental issues, I can see how things could get real tense. 

Pam did tell me how as a girl she always wanted to be close to her mother, but she was ignored for the most part.  Alice gave all her attention to Pam’s older sister, who now also wants nothing to do with her mother.  It is a sad circle, which seems doomed to remain closed.  So the only thing I could say to Pam was to write her mother a heartfelt note and then let it go.  Do it for herself not for her mother.  I also told her, that at least for now she might be better off not being involved in her mother’s life; there was too much going on.  Pam said she understood and hung up. 

My heart was very heavy for Pam and I wish I could do something for her.  I guess if she does write her mother that heartfelt letter and Janet brings it up, I may encourage her to at least give it a try.  Though again, I am not sure Pam would be able to take all the phone calls and emergencies that her mother talks to everyone about.  Also money, Janet is always looking for money, since she is always on the edge, which could also be too much for a daughter that is struggling herself.

Janet is a little more of a narcissist than most of us.  Bottom line, while she is capable of caring, still, you are really only as good as your last favor.  I know that, yet she is still in need and like all humans needs understanding and compassion.  Janet is simply trying to survive now; it is always one thing after another which for her is one urgent situation after another.

It is hard for me to keep boundaries, but I am doing it with Janet.  I let her know clearly when I can or cannot help her, a few times very loudly for she tends to tone out what she does not want to hear more than most.  I really believe she can’t help the way she is, does not understand how she at times treats others, her daughter Pam for instance, nor the wounds and pain she has caused.  It is not a good place to be but for Janet it is her world, her truth and I see no way out for her.

 crucible 

in fire consumed,

the cold void to purify;

is the crucible of love.

.