Why is it people feel we have to only give on holidays? What the hell makes a certain day so special that we decide to give gifts on the particular day? Or better yet...Why are we brainwashed to think this? Why is giving a dying art? Why does it seem most people are looking at it like a nuisance? A burden? A huge pain in the ass?!
Every year around Christmas time I ask these questions. WHY?!? I just don't get it. I find myself giving all year 'round. I love giving. If I see something I think someone I know would like. I get it for them. No special reason, no occassion, want nothing in return. Just love making people happy and giving. But, even tho I do this. If I don't giving or giving in return on those occassions like Christmas...I'm looked at as ungrateful...or rude... or however you what to look at it. Then I'm to suffer through guilt trips. What the hell? Do that not rememebr all I did for them during the year? And all the other past years?! Does this seem right to anyone else? Make much sense? I give to people...all year around and for nothing in return. I ask for nothing, I take nothing. But looked down upon if I didn't give on these certain days? And when I do give and let them know I want nothing in return. I get funny looks. As if I'm completely insane....Ok... well I am completely insane... but that is bsides the point!
Just all seems so daft to me.
I guess if some people want to only take the time and energy to do it on a few select days out of the year.... that is fine. You're hang up. Not mine. I know where it's at. I just think it is sad that giving generously and out of the good of one's heart, and not because some "Marketing Scam" told us too..is a dying animal. The holidays should be about family, love, and togetherness. Not a reason for stress and anxiety.
Now... I'm not trying to sound like one of those poor sappy drama queens about how daddy done wrong or anything like that. I'm just really upset and pissed right now about this.....
Right, my Aunt June just "bought" me a car. Just got a settlement from an accident she was in and got all this money. So she calls me up one day and said... I'm buying you a car. Now... it is not a straight out, "Here! Have a car!" deal. It is a "I'm getting you a car, buying it right out but you are paying me back." It is so I don't have to deal with making payments through a bank and all the crap. She just want to help things be a little easier for me.
Now, I didn't want her to do this. And she knew this. When she called me up and said this, and before I could even open my mouth so said, "And I'm NOT taking no for an answer! If you do say no, I'll be very hurt!" And if you knew my aunt like I do...you know not to mess with her. And she knows just how to guilt trip me. She may only be 4'7", but she can and will kick some ass. But the fact that I have to pay her back made it easier. Because I was not about to just have something this huge be given to me. I have a hard enough time excepting small gifts as it is. Anyway, we really didn't tell my dad because... we knew he could bitch and complain. Which... of course... he did. And he is bitching about exactly what I thought he would. But, my mum calls me up from her work his morning and tells me that he is very upset and mad about this. I kinda figured this since he didn't really say much last night. But it wasn't the silent treatment so I didn't think it was too bad. Now first of all, my father can be very judgement. He gets a thought in his head and it is very hard to make him realise the truth. He see's his version of the truth without all the facts. Even after getting those facts, he still see's it his way. Well, apparently from what my mum tells me. He thinks I'm taking advantage of my aunt. As if, I went up to her and said, "Hey, you got all this cash! Get me a car!" NO!! I really wanted to do it on my own. But you just don't say no to aunt June. This something I learned a long time ago. And this is something he should know by now as well. My mum, of course stuck up for me. She knows the situation and tried to explain it to him. No dice! According to him, I didn't try hard enough to say no. The part that hurts the most, is the in the fact I realised the he really does not seem to have any faith in me. At all! One of the hardest parts of being the youngest in this family is everything my sisters and brother did, I'm gonna do. Even after proving him wrong... several times! He is still in that frame of mind. When Jennie got her job, she wasted her money on clothes and little crappy vain things. Lynda, when she got money she spent a lot of it on CDs and games and whatnot. Me, I saved my money and put myself through fucking college!!!!! But to him, College was a waste of money. And when I did spend my money... it was usually on things I needed or is was spent on someone else. For christ sakes! My mum has had to convince me to buy a little something for myself once in a while! And I'm still no good at that. Just like Aunt June...I'm forever putting others ahead of myself. When Jennie got her car and license, she was out all hours and we didn't know where she was have the time, a bit of a speed demon,etc. So of course...this is how I'm gonna be too. He thinks I'm gonna beat the crap out of the car and ruin it. HELL NO!! I drive careful, keep at the speed limit, I ALWAY take care of my things, and all that. I only wanted to car so I can get to places I needed to go, to get things I need to get, so I can take my mum places she needs to go when my dad is not around or when he doesn't want to take her. That is it. I have no other use for the car. I much rather be at home and with my family. And to have my own father think of me as anything as but me and not take that time to realise....I have a brain in my head and I'm not like everyone or anyone else. This hurts me so much.
I called my aunt and told her all this. And she is wicked pissed at him. She told me not to worry. This is between her and him and it is none of his business how she spends her money, etc. Which yes, it is between them, but I'm caught in the middle. She told me not to cry, which is really hard at the mo. Then she said she was gonna tear him a new one for making me cry. But she doesn't realise that what is upsetting me so much is the fact that he has his false image of me in his head. He seems to think of me as all these things I'm not and there seem to be no way of changing his mind.
I was taught there is no pride in hand outs. And I firmly believe that. Earning things on your own is the greatest reward because you have that pride of knowing you did it on your own, your hard work got you what you wanted. And that leads you to the strength and courage to get bigger and better goals in life. This is just about the first thing I have ever got by an "easier route". I can't say this was give to me. Because is wasn't. I have to make monthly payments to my aunt. And she did it because I have earned her trust. She knows I'm good for it. She told me flat out that I'm the only one she would EVER do this for. So that right there says I've earned at least something. Aunt June does NOT trust people easily. It takes a lot to earn her trust. I'm pretty much the only one out of all the kids...and adults in my family to put myself through college and ACTUALLY finish it. High GPA, Honour roll, Awards, Scholarships, everything I earned... I did on my own! Half of these people in my family never even made it through high school. Yet...even with all that under my belt, after proving the person that I am, how I think, how I feel, what I am and am not, what I am capable of...I'm still this image of other people and their past in my father's eyes. I have my own track record...but he refuses to see it. He still looks at those other people's records.
I thank god for my mum and aunt tho. They sees me for who I really am. They knows how I felt about all this in the first place. They know, and are proud of my accomplishments. But it is still hard to be proud of all that I have earned and accomplished for myself when the man you look up to and that help give you life refuses and open his eyes and mind to stop and see you for you.
Ok, This was one of my infamous daft quotes and promised Mia I'd post somewhere on the net for her because this got her laughing hysterically.
The story behind it is...First...keep in mind she is pregnant with her second child. One day she was talking to my mum and I in the kitchen and she was trying to tell us how when she first had Katelyn (her first born), was very mellow due to all these drugs Mia's body from when she gave birth, contaminated her breast milk and of course that went into Katelyns body when she drank the milk....If that makes sense.... Either way, As she was trying to explain this I said completely seriously, "So...she was all hopped up on the boob milk?" Then Mia and my mum looked at me and burst out laughing. This quote is still used on a daily basis with Mia. We even got my dad saying it.
I guess you had to be there for the full understanding of the humour in this. Was a classic moment. I just love the warm feeling of making friend and loved laugh at your daftness and warped twisted sense of humour.
Right... I have never had a blog before.... but I thought I'd give it a go.
So.... what have I done today... Crickey! It as been non stop!
I have been out of the house since 9 in the am. Mia and I venture on our quest for the holy grail.... Ok, well it was OUR version of the holy grail. We are having a halloween party on... well... tomorrow, and for it I'm making a giant version of my infamous nipple cookies. And we needed a big kiss candy. So we went to two places in Hampton to find it. And they didn't have it. But this bloke at this one shoppe called Hutchinson's...I think we scared him.... a lot! Especially me and all my green. But he went above and beyond to help us find this kiss. We were very pleased and grateful. It was so refreshing to see people that are still helpful, kind and caring in the world. They are arare and wonderful breed. I was tempted to call the National Geographic Channel. So we ended up in Salisbury, Mass. to get this kiss. But we got it! And when I make it... plenty of pics shall be taken.
Then, I get home and I have to go look and test drive my new car! I love it. I'm gonna be getting it Monday night. So stay off the roads everyone!!! Now.... I'm home and I have a headache. Not use to having a life and getting out running around everywhere all day long. So... that was pretty much my day. Been a hard day's night. But at least I was productive.
So... there is my first blog entry....ever... how did I do?
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Ahmad picked up a bright
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