Nov 16, 2006
McDonald's Paves The Way For Future Psychopaths
Presented by Matt on 04/06/00
You know, I thought the point of programs and media aimed towards little kids was to help mold them into sane, normal, good-willed members of society. Not raving lunatics. McDonalds feels differently. They hope to warp our nation's youth with visions of the most ridiculous, evil sons'a'bitches you've ever seen. Understanding the characters of McDonalds fame was a nigh-impossibility. They were too fucking odd.
Take Ronald McDonald, for example. The leader. The big cheese. Now, my parents used to yell at me while I was in high school cuz I dressed a little freaky. With a role model like that, how can I be blamed? Ronald was free to roam about society in a fucking clown suit. My parents would buy me happy meals and Ronald McDonald pillow cases. I thought I was doing the right thing. Ronald is teaching the children of this nation to dress like clowns. Kids aren't dyeing their hair pillarbox red and wearing giant red boots because of Marlyn Manson, folks. It's all this fucking clown's fault.
Moving down the ladder, we have Birdie. Now, explain this one to me. Look at her fucking eyes! I've seen less dilation at a squat house. Birdie's obviously hooked on drugs, and her alarmingly high-pitched voice suggests a few 'whippits' on the side. At least Ronald is only telling your children to dress in a way that'll make the jocks and bullies beat them up. Birdie wants your kids to be drug addicts.
Then we have Grimace. What the fuck IS Grimace? Is it a gumdrop? Top of a dick? What?! Grimace is the most esoteric character in history. His name dictates frustration and sadness, yet he's always cheerful. I'd really hate to sit next to this guy at a funeral. He's always smiling and giggling. It'd be really embarassing. And what food was he supposed to represent? The milkshake I guess. Notice how Grimace supports one of the fattiest things on the menu, and he also happens to be the fattest guy on the cast. Yet, he's always smiling and no one seems to care that poor Grimace is *grossly* overweight. That's unhealthy. So while Ronald dresses your kids like pansies and Birdie drops some PCP in their milkshakes, Grimace will make sure they're nice and fat.
The Fry Guys. AKA the McDonalds equivalent of 'special' children. There's nothing stranger than a bunch of pom-poms on rollerskates. There's also no way to explain the significance of it in regard to french fries. Oddly, in the commercials these guys would always disguise themselves as bushes. Very convincing, considering that none of them were green. Oddly, the Fry Guys were the most normal of the whole McDonalds crew.
Next up we have the Chicken McNuggets. No fancy names. These were Chicken McNuggets. Now, understand that Ronald was friends with these guys. And Ronald was telling us all to EAT Chicken McNuggets. Yet, somehow, the 'Nuggets didn't seem to mind. There were commercials of these misguided souls jumping into pools of BBQ sauce, happily prepping themselves for their impending doom. Hidden meaning? Suicide. The McNuggets were McDonalds way of telling you...'hey, if you get dealt a bad hand...cover yourself in sweet'n'sour, pull out a shotgun, and blow your fucking head off'.
Last but not least, we have the most surreal and all-around evil of the characters...The Hamburgler. Firstly, the only thing the fuck can say is 'Robble Robble'. But really fast. Last week I got a tape recorder out and slowed it down..turns out he's actually saying 'Rob & Kill'. Awesome lesson for the kiddies. And what's with his gear? He's like an asshole version of Zorro. But instead of carving a 'Z' on your chest, he'd annoy you by running around like a raving derelict on crack, trying to steal your hamburgers. Sweet.
In closing...parents, keep an eye out on what your kids are watching. Power Rangers and pro-wrestling aren't gonna fuck them up. It's these clowns that are turning our nation's future leaders into crazed lunatics with poor outfits, misinterpreted society roles, and an all-around bad attitude.McDonalds: Beware.
- Matt email@example.com
Jun 4, 2006
ok, on the 6th of july i'm landing in baltimore, maryland. i'll be in the us until the end of september. i'll be travelling a lot & thought it could be good to meet some of you if i'm around where you are...?
So far, i know i'll spend time in baltimore, new york city, PA, NC, california (particularly in la), virginia, louisiana... more... certainly, i hope
So, do you feel like meeting? Are you on my way? Please let me know! So i can try to figure out my journey including you
Another thing, if you are aware of protests or activism in some of the areas i'll be at, just tell me. & if you have any kind of info about concerts, or exhibitions of interest...?
May 26, 2006
Robert Cohen proposes a way for vegans to get their daily B-12 without taking supplements:
Warning to my readers: Today's column contains explicit sexual themes. If you embarrass easily, or if your religious, moral, or ethical beliefs prevent you from reading material of a sexual nature, please, read no more. In today's commentary, I discuss the science of sex in as dignified and delightful a manner as I am able, sometimes using a bit of humor, but continuously recognizing that such concepts may be offensive to some people, so please, if you find such discussion inappropriate, stop reading immediately. If you are easily offended by material of a sexual nature, please exercise the use of your "back" button now.
Without embarrassment, this is a subject that needs
to be discussed. I am past the point of being disgusted
by know-it-all vegetarian and vegan nutritionists and
dieticians who believe that one must take artificial
supplements derived from cow intestines, containing
Vitamin B-12 in order to maintain good health. The fact
that vegans have B-12 in their bloodstreams is evidence
enough that we're somehow obtaining it. Low dose, high
dose, it really doesn't matter. Fact is that we need
just a few micrograms of B-12, and a five-year supply
is stored in the average human liver. That fact alone
negates the scare tactics of those who criticize the
pure vegan diet, or dispense supplements as a part of
their self-sustaining practices.
Vegan blood contains some B-12. In that, there is no
debate. Vegan semen and vaginal secretions contain many
times more Vitamin B-12 than does human blood.
The solution? Make love. Enjoy oral sex. The ingestion
of sexual body secretions from your lover will insure
good health for you.
In addition to the usual frogs, snails, and puppy
dogs tails, what are little boys made of? What exactly
is in semen?
Ten percent of semen consists of sperm cells, up to
500 million per ejaculate. It takes only one sperm
cell to fertilize an egg. I often wonder why the other
499,999 are necessary.
What constitutes the other 90% of semen? In addition
to enormous amounts of vitamins, enzymes, and amino
acids, semen contains up to 20 times the level of
Vitamin B-12 as does human blood serum. Vaginal fluids
contain a similar makeup, rich in B-12.
Scientists knew this nearly 20 years ago, but had no
socially-tactful way to transmit this information to
the lay person. (Yeah, I know, you love my use of the
As early as March of 1984, Carmel Bernstein and a team
of investigators published evidence in the Journal of
Clinical Investigations (73;3, Vitamin B-12 in human
seminal plasma) revealing that blood has one-tenth the
amount of B-12 as does male semen.
Eight years later, the Scandanavian Journal of Clinical
Laboratory Investigations (Hansen, 1992 Nov;52(7):647-52)
determined that B-12 levels in human semen run as high as
20 times that of blood. Similar amounts of B-12 have been
found in vaginal secretions.
Second and final warning. For those of you unwilling or
unable to discuss or partake in the loving art of cunnilingus
or fellatio, read no more. What follows is descriptive.
Many people have an aversion to oral sex because of the
taste or smell. Can that often be justified? Absolutely.
Long ago, in the days before artificial modern-day perfumes
and deodorants were used to mask human odors, people
enjoyed body smells. Don Juan would keep handkerchiefs
under his armpits and wave them in front of ladies' noses.
That action was designed to bring them to arousal from his
own natural essences and bouquet which contained pheromones,
chemicals containing natural sexual messengers that
communicate instinctual feelings shared by all mammals.
Truth revealed: Why does a male dog mount and hump a human
female leg, thrusting his pelvis as if in the act of copulation?
It's not because he smells your puppy, ladies. It's because
he smells your very own pheromones which trigger a genetically
pre-determined fixed action pattern in Fido's brain.
On to the olfactory bouquet from your own essences.
Dairy farmers know that if their cows eat onions or
garlic less than 30 minutes before milking, those powerfully
offensive smells will be included in their body secretions
which are then transmitted to their milk. A similar event
occurs with human body fluids. You are what you eat. Deer
know when meat-eating humans walk into the woods. Vegans
have a way with denizens of the forest. Vegans do not eat
other living creatures. Deer can tell by human smells.
So can dogs and other mammals possessing keener olfactory
senses than humans.
For many years, non dairy-using Japanese people called
Americans "butter-people," for the rancid smell that
would seep out of our pores. I can smell butter people.
I am amazed at the number of people calling themselves
vegan who are actually dairy users. I can smell the
aftermath of pizza 24 hours after a vegan eats one by his
or her offensive odor. The mozzarella turns rancid from
within. Its smell lingers on a user's breath. Milk the
cow and get the garlic or onion milk. Milk the human and
get Kentucky-fried chicken essence.
Humans who eat meat ingest large amounts of sulfur-based
amino acids. That is one of the qualities of meat protein.
The sulfur becomes a part of their own smell and taste. Eat
large amounts of methionine and you'll taste quite rancid.
I have met many vegans who relate anecdotal evidence
of how other vegans make better lovers because they
"taste better." Where are Masters and Johnson when you
need them? The good that comes from this column will
result in two lovers enjoying a large meal of fresh
pineapple before their next bout of foreplay. Gourmets
and epicurians of the world, unite. Your next dose of
love will contain the best vitamin pill in the world.
Was it Mary Poppins who sang, "Just a spoonful of sugar
helps the medicine go down"?
Remember, for B-12, make love, and do so with good taste.
May 26, 2006 9:22am
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