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Nov 3, 2006

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed .

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 7:02pm
phew-and they FLY?
Nov 3, 2006
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.  Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints subm itted by Qantas ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
 
P: IFF ino perative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding  on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Rule 62
Never Take yourself to serious
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 11:23am
weather men?
Nov 3, 2006

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

      
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 11:17am
mondays
Nov 3, 2006
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day  
discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes  
the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."  
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the  
Colliseum." 
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced  
mathematics."  
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the  
Roman Empire."   And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he   thinks will end the discussion.  
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"  
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians  
who introduced it to women!"  
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 11:13am
2008 votes
Nov 3, 2006

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

Here we are already discussing the future President of theUnited States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate; and I'm sure that once you know who I'm voting for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special lady who has all the answers to our problems. PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment...


MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!

Very eloquently put...........don't you think? Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."....... Maxine on "Housework"   "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible." Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." Maxine on "The Perfect Man"   "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice." Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."


"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive: highly unlikely. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?  (Now that's scary!)

Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.

If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, nothing will happen..but you'll rob them of some much-needed laughter.

There's no one better for the job.

MAXINE HAS MY VOTE.
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 10:58am
6 affairs
Nov 3, 2006

<<   6 CLASSIC AFFAIRS >>

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair  with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf again!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair


A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,

and  made a startling discovery.. Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever  seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home "I have something to show

you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed,

"Schwartz is dead!"


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband  opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and  I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:

"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied:

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her

best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied,

" now just rest and let the poison work."




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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 10:53am
A Fairy Tale
Sep 26, 2006
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "

That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,

she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't freakin think so. ROTFL 
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Posted: Sep 26, 2006 1:13pm
Maxine
Aug 6, 2006
22 lines to make you smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  
    He thought he was God and I  didn't.
2.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on  Me!
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill  them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it  broke.

                       5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6..  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in  the eye of the beer holder.
8.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just  missing.
                      9..  Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10.   NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,  why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning   medicine.
11..  God must love stupid people; He made so  many.
12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13.   Consciousness: That annoying time between  naps.
                    14..  Ever stop to think, and  forget to start again?
15.  Being "over the hill" is much better  than being under it!16..  Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I  Wanted to Be When I Grew  up.
17..  Procrastinate  Now!
18..  I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With  That?        
19.. A hangover is the wrath of  grapes.
20. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park  elsewhere!
21.. The trouble with life is there's no background  music.
22.. The original point and click tool was a Smith and  Wesson.

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Posted: Aug 6, 2006 6:38pm
Things to know...
Aug 3, 2006

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW   --- BUT PROBABLY DON'T


1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle."

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6.  40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes.     He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10.  Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11.  Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14.  Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

16. Upper  and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.   (Hence, multitasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,
purple, and silver!

22.  Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors.  Also, it took him 10 years
to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23 A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original  "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 , you also have the largest amount of money in coins  without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know).

26. By  raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand  (and you thought this list was completely useless).

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The  first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles.  At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories!  It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.  It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the
book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34.  George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart ..  "Boy, I feel a
lot safer now that she's behind bars.  O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her ass off to jail."
      
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Posted: Aug 3, 2006 2:36pm
something to read...
Jul 21, 2006
Subject: Can you read this ?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
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Posted: Jul 21, 2006 9:16pm

 
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Author

Valerie l lurie
female, age 56, single, 2 children
Tilton, NH, USA
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