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Dec 14, 2005

The Rules of Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

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Posted: Dec 14, 2005 8:53pm
Dec 14, 2005

A Father's 10 Rules for Dating His Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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Posted: Dec 14, 2005 8:12pm
Dec 3, 2005
Is it possible? Can sex really be better than the game we love or will our national pastime win during the final at-bat?

The following "reasons" were plucked from internet news groups by Baseball Almanac over the years and put together in what we believe is the top ten reasons Why Baseball IS Better Than Sex.

Why Baseball IS Better Than Sex

The Top Ten

RankReason
10.It is legal to play professionally.
9.You can count on it at least four times a week.
8.You have a coach to tell you when to advance.
7.When you are tired, you always get relieved.
6.If you strike out once, you always have two more chances for a hit.
5.Up to four people can score at once.
4.Pop ups are frequent.
3.30,000 people cheer when you score.
2.After seven innings, you get to stretch.
1.You can get a home run without any foreplay.
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Posted: Dec 3, 2005 1:23pm
Dec 3, 2005
41 Stupid Things to Do in a Men's Public Restroom



  1. Introduce yourself to the guy at the next urinal.
  2. Turn the light off while stalls are occupied.
  3. Order a pizza. (This works great in bars that allow outside food deliveries. Call back the pizza parlor thirty minutes after you place your order, giving them plenty of time to start delivering the pizza, and tell them you can be found in the last stall in the men's bathroom. Refuse to leave until you get your pizza.)
  4. Stick your head over an occupied stall and ask for the time.
  5. Tell people that they're on TV. Point to some random spot on the far wall and ask them to "smile for the camera".
  6. Lie down across all the sinks and pretend to be passed out.
  7. Use a stopwatch to time people going to the bathroom. Cheer them on to encourage good performance.
  8. Hold your hand in front of a hand dryer while someone's using it.
  9. Pour a bucket of water over an occupied stall.
  10. Grab someone's ass really hard while they're using a urinal, and see how far you can get before they catch you.
  11. Guard the paper towel dispenser in the name of the Earth Liberation Front.
  12. Say to the guy at the next urinal: "This is the best part about being gay."
  13. Say, "Huh, that's funny. I don't remember eating asparagus."
  14. Turn off the faucet while someone's washing their hands. Repeat.
  15. Pee on someone's leg and tell them it's raining.
  16. Offer to blow-dry other people's hands with your mouth to save energy.
  17. Point at someone's crotch while they're using a urinal and yell, "Ha ha, your fly is down!"
  18. Put on a hand puppet show underneath the stall next to you.
  19. Complain about the size of your penis.
  20. While inside the bathroom, ask where the nearest bathroom is. After you've received a puzzled look or response, reply, "I'm not looking for a toilet, you moron, I'm looking for a bathroom. Haven't you ever taken a bath? Apparently not. No wonder it smells like shit in here."
  21. Demand to know where the glory holes are.
  22. Walk up behind someone who's using a urinal and wrap his head in toilet paper.
  23. Ask a friend to help you stage a live audio performance of a violent mugging for your unwitting audience inside the stalls. Make sure the final line of dialogue is, "You come out of there and I'll blow your fucking head off."
  24. Inside a stall, pretend to be talking to a young child, "That's right Johnny, remember what I told you about unzipping your fly? Oh, now look what you did!" Then slap your hands twice and make crying noises.
  25. Hang a realistic dummy from a noose inside one of the stalls as a wacky surprise for the next visitor.
  26. Knock on the stall next to you and say, "Do you have enough toilet paper in there? I got plenty if you need some."
  27. Put up a sign above the sink that says "Did you remember to wipe?"
  28. Put up a sign that says, "This is the legally required 'Employees must wash hands' sign which we disregard on a daily basis."
  29. Put up a sign that says "Caution: please do not use toilets."
  30. Fill the liquid soap containers with motor oil.
  31. Have (mobile) phone sex while standing at a urinal.
  32. Smear peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper, drop it between stalls, and curse yourself for being clumsy.
  33. Flash people standing just outside the bathroom door. Tell them that you've finally "found the loophole".
  34. Pump soap for people, give out paper towels, and demand tips.
  35. Wear a camera around your neck and offer to take people's photos for money.
  36. When the bathroom is empty, get down on your hands and knees and hold your face over one of the urinals. Wait in that position until someone enters the bathroom. Act as if you're embarrassed to be caught.
  37. See how long you can do a raspberry inside one of the stalls before someone asks you if you're alright.
  38. Whisper, "Now spread your legs, honey. Oh yeah, that's it."
  39. Drop a small, unclothed, plastic baby doll in a toilet, along with an ample supply of red food coloring.
  40. Identify people who have not washed their hands. Follow them out of the bathroom and publicly announce this fact.
  41. Congratulate yourself aloud on a job well done.
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Posted: Dec 3, 2005 1:02pm
Dec 2, 2005

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
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Posted: Dec 2, 2005 4:52pm
Dec 1, 2005

1. It's legal to sleep in any position in all 50 states.
2. Your teddy bear never complains.
3. While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone you want.
4. Sleep can last a good eight hours. (or even more)
5. You can sleep in church.
6. You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
7. You don't have to pay for sleep.
8. You won't complain in the morning about not getting any.
9. No one will start rumors about how much you sleep.
10. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
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Posted: Dec 1, 2005 8:56pm
Dec 1, 2005
10.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7.(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6.(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
4. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)


1. 1. Let's be friends.
2. I'm celibate.
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
4. It's not you, it's me.
5. I don't date men where I work.
6. I've got a boyfriend
7. My life is too complicated right now.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
10. I think of you as a brother.
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Posted: Dec 1, 2005 8:40pm

 

 
 
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Katie G.
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