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For as many mistakes as bosses make, you'd think they'd be better at saying they're sorry. Somehow, this skill eludes so many people who have authority in the workplace.

That's a shame, because an effective apology can be a powerful thing, as Jill Geisler explained in this space a couple of years ago. Still, participants in Poynter

leadership seminars often discover their own lack of expertise in apologizing can greatly limit their influence.

One such discussion over the summer helped me see more clearly some of the specific disorders that can afflict apology and drain even a well-intended effort of almost all impact.

There's the drive-by apology, a close cousin of the drive-by compliment. That's the classic "good job" comment delivered in passing that's usually as lacking in sincerity as it is in specifics. Recipients of drive-by compliments often suspect that the editors and managers who offer them haven't actually even read, heard or seen the stories they are praising. Worse yet, those who receive drive-by compliments have to guess what it was the boss liked. For these and other reasons, drive-by compliments can do more harm than good.

The drive-by apology works in much the same way: It's delivered on the fly, involves little actual effort and can be over before the recipient fully realizes it's even happening. Often, the drive-by apology is shorter than the title I've given it: "Sorry!" is sometimes the full text. You're lucky if there's an "I'm" attached. This is appropriate when you accidentally jostle someone while not watching where you're walking. It's a lousy way to express remorse that goes any deeper.

Generally speaking, the amount of time spent delivering an apology ought to have some relationship to the amount of thought that went into it. Two or three syllables spat out in a split second make it seem the speaker is trying to get a distasteful task over with as quickly as possible, just to put it behind him.

That get-it-over-with approach also underlies the preemptive strike apology. This popular but ineffective form of damage control seeks to get out in front of the situation by apologizing before anybody even has time to assess the full extent of the offense. Actually, that's often the point: The sooner I say I'm sorry, the sooner I can become indignant if you refuse to move on, put the past behind us, look to the future, etc. This is especially handy if what I'm apologizing for is just the tip of the iceberg, and I'd prefer you not look any more deeply into what might lie beneath.

Listen for this form of apology from public officials who don't want to "dwell on," "drag out" or "beat to death" a situation, as they will tell you journalists are so fond of doing. It's often an indication that your reporting should be just beginning.

Then there's the limited-time-only offer of apology. It is a highly contingent, immediately revocable way to say you're sorry. Its real point is what goes unsaid: the strong invitation for the other party to reciprocate with an apology of her own. Though unspoken, this demand for a response often takes laughably obvious non-verbal form –- raised eyebrows, a tilt of the head, an obvious pause… And should the recipient of a limited-time-only offer fail to seize the opportunity -– well, then, forget it! I said I was sorry. The least you can do is say the same. I have now wrestled aggrieved status away from you, and in the process, I hope, shifted attention away from what I did in the first place to what
you have done since then. Or failed to do. So there.

To put it in the parlance of the real estate boom: The limited-time-only offer is the interest-only loan of apologies. It doesn't really require any investment, just an easy installment to get started. There's no actual equity involved.

Almost all of us have encountered one particularly pathogenic apology: the condescension concession, which concedes nothing on the part of the speaker, but saddles the recipient with responsibility for being harmed:

"I'm sorry if you took offense at what I said (or did)."

Now, doesn't that make you feel better? Of course not. A milder form of this disorder manifests itself in variations like, "I'm sorry if I said (or did) something that offended you." At least that takes a tiny bit of ownership of what went wrong, while still implying that the real problem belongs to the other person. The condescension concession is just a slightly gentler way of saying, "Too bad you're so unreasonably sensitive."

Following the phrase "I'm sorry" with an immediate "if" sucks almost all the life out of the expression of regret. Following the phrase "I'm sorry" with the word "but" absolutely annihilates the apology –- and then some. As my Poynter colleague Al Tompkins likes to say, the word "but" can bulk-erase the words that precede it.

That's why the big sorry "but" form of apology is actually no apology at all. Think about the last time you heard someone begin a sentence with the clause, "I'm sorry, but" -– as in, "I'm sorry, but that's not news." Was the person really sorry? I doubt it. In my experience, "I'm sorry, but" almost always is another way of saying, "Never mind what anybody else thinks; I'll have the last word here."

Anne Van Wagener/Poynter

Finally, let us not forget the passive apology, another accountability-free option available to those who want to smooth things over without truly taking any ownership: "Mistakes were made," is the classic case, eternally popular with politicians. At least it's concise. The passive apology takes no responsibility, but neither does it aggressively place blame -- "if feelings were hurt" or "if damage was done."

Two classic examples -- one from the White House, and one from The Washington Post:

Appearing Sept. 15 on ABC's "Good Morning America," Dan Bartlett, counselor to the president, talked to Charlie Gibson about the federal response to Hurricane Katrina. Bartlett acknowledged that the president was well aware "things could have been done differently."

The Washington Post explained on its front page Sept. 12 why two pages of paid obituaries had been missing from Sunday's newspaper: "A robust week of sales by the advertising department... led to two more pages than the production staff had expected," and -- note the following shift to passive voice -- "the decision was made that death notices could run later in the week."

We have 1970's sappy "Love Story" to blame for the notion that "love means never having to say you're sorry." I'm not sure whom to blame for the pathology of apology.

I just know it's not me, and I'm sorry, but that's the last word.

A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys

By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Why Geek Dudes Rule

They are generally available.

Other women will tend not to steal them.

They can fix things.

Your parents will love them.

They're smart.

Where The Geek Dude Lurks

While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.

Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.

Imprinting

You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...

The Trek factor

If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.

Once You've Nabbed Him

Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geek Cuisine

Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

Geek Lifestyle

The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.

To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.

Geek Buddies

Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.

Post-It Note

I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for several reasons:

Howard had already thought about who she was most like.

He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.

Victoria actually knew who he meant.

Folks, I think this marriage will last.

One Last Thing

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.

Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.

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