It's true. Life handed me quite a scare/challenge recently and it's not something I'm going to take for granted or lightly...
I'll start at the beginning so it will make more sense...
The last blog I wrote was more about a single person in my life and my reaction to some things going on. I write blogs for me and to keep some people updated with where I am. Unfortunately, I'd done some "free flowing" emotional blogs and well, that didn't turn out so well.
Anyway, I've since dropped that friend completely and it seems I did it just in time.
My last day at my second job was on October 10th. Within the week, I started feeling nauseous everytime I ate and sometimes would have very sharp pains in my stomach. This progressively got worse. By the 19th, it had gotten so bad that I left work early and went to Urgent Care.
They ran a blood test, asked me if I was pregnant (which of course I'm not), did the exam. My stomach reigon was very sensitive to touch and coupled with the anemia they found, they were very concerned.
On the 20th, I had an ultrasound of the kidneys, gall bladder and liver done to see if it was stones or swelling in those areas. Everything was fine though. That morning, my primary care physician called to get me in. Since I had the ultrasound, I was scheduled to see my doctor the next day.
We are up to Wednesday now, the 21st. My Dr. looked at the blood report, ultra-sound results, did an exam and decided that I needed to see a GI Specialist right away.
So, Thursday, I had an appointment with the GI Specialist at 10AM on the 22nd. Due to the pain and anemia, I had an endoscopy the same day. The fear was that I had a bleeding ulcer. This however was not the case.
Went to the hospital by myself. Yes, alone. I let so few people close that this is how it has been for a while now. Needless to say, with everything going on, I was a bit of an emotional wreck as well.
I did learn one thing that day. If you answer "No" to the question, "Are you pregnant?" and when they ask how you know you aren't, if you answer, "I've been abstinent for the past almost 4 years." you will be told that this is not a good enough answer. They will run a pregnancy test. Seriously O.o That was an amazing WTF moment in all this and part of the humor I found in the end.
I had a follow-up appointment with the GI Specialist on the 5th of November. There was a visit with my Primary Dr and blood work before that, and my yearly mammogram which found nothing.
At the follow-up appointment, the GI Specialist is concerned about the anemia and pain so schedules me for a colonoscopy on the 30th of November.
I have a couple of quiet weeks. The pain in my stomach has stopped. I start iron pills and it's pretty easy. On the 16th of November, I have more blood work done and see my Primary Dr. again.
Thanksgiving I spent alone. That was my choice. With everything going on with my health, I didn't want to have to pretend that things were good. So, alone but not lonely.
I had to start prep for the colonoscopy on the 29th (Sunday) and let me say *ugh*, nasty. It eneded up making me sick but the GI Specialist said we'd go through with the procedure anyway.
Monday, I was ready to go to the hospital at 6am. I needed to be there by 6:45 and had arranged for C to come get me. She called at 6:15 because her car blew a tire on the way and she wasn't able to pick me up. Well. Again, I took myself to the hospital, checked in and yes, had another pregnancy test done *rolls eyes*.
Also, like during the endoscopy, they couln't find a vein. That's frustrating and painful by the way. They did of course eventually find one that they could use. I still have bruises though and it's been a week and a half.
Both time I was anesthetized which over all was a good thing. As I was waking up, I was told that they found a polyp and had removed all of it. Now, I had no idea what this meant and in the following days refused to look it up on the computer because I was already scared enough.
I took the Tuesday off and had an appointment that day with another Dr. about the animea. I waited 2 hours for that Dr. to show up and when I went out to my car, discovered that I'd left my lights on >.< The car was dead and I had to wait another hour and a half for AAA to show up *sighs*
At the bank, I forgot my pin number so ended up locking my card >.< Overall, that Tuesday was challenging some but I made it through and went to work on Wednesday.
I knew that they were going to biopsy the polyp and let me know. What I didn't expect on Wednesday the 2nd of December was to have a message on my cell phone from the GI Specialist saying that I had an appointment the next day at 10am and if I couldn't make it I needed to call immediately.
I also didn't expect to get home and have a message from my Primary Dr's office saying that I HAD to make it to the appointment with the Specialist. O.O Talk about freaked out and them some.
So, Thursday the 3rd I make it to the appointment. Now, the GI Specialist, he's not the most warm and fuzzy person I've ever met. He comes in all smiles and happy. O.o Another WTF moment in all this.
He happily and cherrily informs me that they found a polyp in my intestine, shows me where on the chart, says the polyp was biopsied and is pre-cancerous.
What the hell????
I so didn't know how to react. He's happy, my world just turned upside down. He says I have to have surgery to remove part of my intestine.
Oh bless, what am I supposed to do now? He made the appointment for me to consult with the surgon on Monday the 7th of December.
I had all weekend to freak the fuck out, and I did, trust me. I also got to a good place in my head about this all and realized by the Friday how blessedly lucky I had gotten.
Bless the surgon too by the way. I told him all this minus the internal comments when he asked how I'd ended up in his office. He put it like this, "If I was talking to my mother, sister, wife, any female family member about this, I'd tell them to not have the surgery."
There was more of course but it broke down to he felt the surgery was a greater health risk than regular colonoscopies and blood tests. I may never develop another polyp and if I do, it may not be pre-cancerous.
*ginormous sigh of relief*
Now it's Wednesday the 9th, two months after I quit the second job and cut a friend out of my life. This whole time, I never second guessed that decision. Go figure.
Closing for now. Next blog is about what I think I've learned in all this.
It's been a very busy couple of weeks for me. I signed on the house on the 29th of August and have been moving, packing, cleaning, painting, organizing and so on ever since. Tonight I get the last of the stuff from the apartment then it's done.
In the last blog I was talking about finishing up at the apartment. Eleven years is a long time to live anywhere. I've had good and bad times there. Happiness, sorrow and joy as well. All in all, a good life and not it's time to move on.
I've been doing a lot of thinking this past weekend. I have so much going on in my world that I need to mentally play catch up. A lot of it has to do with friends and relationships. Not bad stuff, just perspective.
P and I talked not long ago and he was utterly surprised to find he is ok outside of an intimate relationship. I personally am not surprised since I figured that out long ago (ok, 3 years may not be that long ago, but I figured it out ). However, I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing.
The way I see things, I'm looking for someone to compliment me, not complete me. I am already a complete human being, but I need people in my life who are strong and steady in ways that I'm not. I need people who can be strong when I'm not and vice versa. I read the status message of someone I know today and she states that she thinks she found her "soul mate". I don't know what that means.
If you mean the person who compliments your soul, well, I've found two such people and am not intimate with either one of them. I am not made "complete" by my relationships.
Who I choose to involve myself with challenges me to be a better me, or should and accepts the me who I am, not a me that is built up in their mind. I don't care if this is a casual friendship or an intimate relationship. Also, if I cannot provide this type of challenge and acceptance to a friend or loved one, then I'm being a hindrance to the relationship.
These are just thoughts in my head. The "feel, flavor and tone" of my friendships are changing. I don't know if it's because I bought a house or what but they are changing. What I don't know is how I feel about it.
See, I'm not close with my family. Not most of them anyway, ok, hardly any of them anymore but that's not quite the point. I've replaced the family I was born to with really good friends. I can currently count four of them and it feels like I'm losing one. That hurts a lot and I don't know what to do or if I should do anything about it. For the time being, I'm just making myself available and leaving it alone. That seems to be the best course for now.
So yes, I did turn 40 last Wednesday (the 10th of September) and it was good. I was very tired and had worked all day (ok, 7.5 hours but after all the packing and moving it seemed longer). After work, I ran some errands then had dinner with the four above mentioned friends. It was good, relaxing and very enjoyable for me. No rum was involved and while that was a little disappointing it was probably a very good thing. We had dinner at Outback (I chose this restaurant because I had only been to eat there once o.O I know, oddness) and it was good
Then this past Saturday, I had a housewarming/birthday party and forgot to invite half the people who I would have liked to have seen. Which was probably a good thing but now I'm trying to find a way to casually invite said people over to see the house I'm very happy about the house and am actually verging on excited *LOL*
I know this is long. I have a lot in my head today. It's reflective (not the shiny type) thoughts and all. Maybe it's part of getting older . I am about out of steam at the moment and really do need to pretend I have a job *LOL*
Warning: I'm not good at this... Keeping up with these things.. Blogs that is... I like to talk to people, not write the things down. It seems less alive and real when I write it / type it out...
So much is going on in my world of late, it just takes my breath away... A few months ago, I decided to not let my fear rule me. It's not easy, but it can be a lot of fun It means I go out in RL a lot more, spend time with good friends (you all know who you are) Make magnificent new ones (you all knw who you are too) and so on... Then I realilze I am missing out on the lives of the people I care about who are my friends in the land of Internet... I'll find the balance one day...
*biggsestgrin* Super happy, happy, joy, joy news on my part My credit is clean and I've gotten back into the first time home buyers program!!! Many of you may know how very much this means to me.
Other than that, it's a lot of stuff It's all good stuff too, and I'm avoiding the whole doom and gloom perspective, which is new for me.
Oh, and by the way... Iffin you are my friend on MySpace or keep up with my infrequent posts on LiveJournal, you will see this one repeated there. I think it will be easier to do the copy/paste thing to all three rather than having to think of original content for all of them Yeah, it's a bit lazy but I'm a busy girl
I do miss everyone and I DO think about y'all often. I just don't want to miss out on the opportunities that the Fates are putting in my path.
I gave in. This album has various pics of Me. Each is dated and we go from baby me to a couple of months back. I don't get in front of a camera often so there are not many Hope you like.
Feel free to e-mail me or NM me here if you have questions.
~blessings (((hug))) Rae
I gave in. This album has various pics of Me. Each is dated and we go from baby me to a couple of months back. I don't get in front of a camera often so there are not many :) Hope you like. <br /><br />
Feel free to e-mail me or NM me here if you have questions.<br /><br />
~blessings (((hug))) Rae
My Sister, Megan, wrote the bulk of this list down a few years ago She told me this past week she would post it to my comment board for my birthday, and she did
It took 4 posts to get it up there, so I am doing the copy/past thing and posting the list here, in one of the groups on Care2, my LiveJournal and in an e-mail that I'm sending to a few friends *insert evil laugh/grin here* She & I will live on in Internet e-mail Infamy!!!! And I really don't call her a 'dumbass' as much as she indicates in the list
Read & Enjoy If you have questions about the lessons, feel free to e-mail or net message me I may even answer
My Sister Megan's birthday gift to me Read & Enjoy
In honor of my bigger sis celebrating the 3?th anniversary of our Mothers 24th birthday.... Presenting Life Lessons by Rae... 1.Go with your gut instinct, Dumbass. 2.Books are for more than just reading... they can be an obcession. 3. NEVER listen to Rae's book reccomendations. She is a Crack Dealer. 4.Your parents are human, treat them thusly. 5. Have icecream and poptarts for breakfast at least once a month. 6. Being a bibliophile is not necessarily a bad thing. 7. Even if it is stated as fact it could be wrong. (I may be completely off base here.) 8. Having sex is easy, its the relationship thats hard work. 9. Penguin obcession is not wrong. There is no cure. 10. Never doubt the powere of positive thinking. 11. Don't believe your own bad press. 12. When in doubt refer to lessons one and seven. 13.Never underestimate the power of a good blond joke. 14. Sometimes eccentric is a good thing. 15. When you're feeling down remember there is always at least one person that love you no matter what. b. This person won't be afraid to tell you over... and over... and over... 16. Our family always puts the fun in Disfunction. 17. Budget. Budget. Budget. Its not as hard as you think, dumbass. 18. Gay men make the best girlfriends. 19. Remember what tricks are for (silly human... they are for paying adults) 20. You can never have too many candles. You never know if there will be a poweroutage ... or something. 21. Bad sex is never your fault. 22. NEVER trust a man who states he has never masturbated. 23. Look at the person in the mirror, tell them you LOVE LOVE LOVE them. If you can't figure out why! (repeat daily) 24. Sometimes BLUNT is the only way to speak. 25. There are times 'poor baby's' are better. 26. Reading romance novels is really bad for relationships. 27. Never underestimate the power of the 'doy' factor. 28. Always question the 'doy' factor. 29. Put things into your perspective. 30. Choose your chaos. Choose it wisely. 31. Sexual favors must be reciprecated. 32. Never underestimate the power of a good Laugh. Just be sure not to cause an asthma attack. 33. If you can't deal with Karma then don't do it (see lesson one) 34. The best revenge is looking good (with attitude). 35. Freak people out at least once a day. Share the madness. 36. Make at least one person laugh or smile a day. Share the joy. 37. If possible work lessons 35 and 36 into one situation... very difficult however if acheived bonus points to you! 38. Honor the past. Live the present. Create the Future. 39. Good sex is not clean and wholesome. 40. Chocolate is GOOD, dumbass.
Seriously though Rae, Thank you for being around one more year. You are the best sister/friend/mother/mentor anyone could ever ask for. I love you very much and bend knee that Lord and Lady shine good Blessings upon you. You are amazing and wonderful. Never forget that.
I am doing better now I just had to figure some stuff out and other than adjusting to being single again, all is well
NEW PHOTOS IN THE GALLERIES!!!
Yep, I added some stuff the the "Death & Darkness" album and a whole new album was added that is for the art of Dorian Clevenger.
WARNING: Mr. Clevenger is an artist and some people may find his work a bit on the "extreme" side. I love his art for what it is, although there are some pieces I don't understand To find out more about the artist, you can visit his page at http://dorianart.com
Hello everyone... I am doing a lot of thinking about my life right now, trying to figure out what has me in such a "I don't care" funk. So, I may not post, but I will still check the groups and maybe post some stuff there.
If you want to contact me, please feel free to e-mail or message me here on Care2. You can add me to the Yahoo!Messenger also, I am greyangel13. I also have a LiveJournal account, and yes, I am greyangel13 there as well.
I want to thank everyone for understanding. Sometimes I don't see the love and support around me until I have "hit bottom". I know it is there, I just don't see it.
Anyway... Bright blessings everyone, and I'll be around.... Rae
I love reapers and skulls. Some of the images in this folder may upset some people. So.... Don't look if you are offended.
Album:Death & Darkness
I love "dark art". Really good reaper and skull art is a favorite. I have given credit where I can. If you are the artist of a piece in this album, e-mail me and I will give you credit or remove the picture as indicated.
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