One of my  new favorite books on my nightstand is “Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction”by Debby Herbenick, As one of the most well respected sex educators in the country, Debby has answered thousands of questions about everything sexual from people across the country as  the primary responder to literally thousands of questions at the Kinsey Institute.  Because it Feels Good is smart sexy, starting with Debby, herself, on the cover in a fabulous pink dress. Her years of practice answering questions and writing columns for national magazines makes her down to earth explanations about some of the “most blush worthy aspects of sexuality” both approachable and authoritative.  Although it is subtitled as a woman’s guide to sexual pleasure and satisfaction, the books wide range of topics would be interesting and of benefit to anyone who loves a woman as well as the woman herself.

The book is a worthy handbook for anyone’s sexual education library because the basic premise is that sex can and should be feel good. Her focus on healthy pleasure and her enlightening discussion of libido and anatomy provides the knowledge that most of us are missing to create more satisfying intimacy.  It has gotten rave reviews from everyone who is anyone in the world of sex education and therapy.

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One of my  new favorite books on my nightstand is “Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction”by Debby Herbenick, As one of the most well respected sex educators in the country, Debby has answered thousands of questions about everything sexual from people across the country as  the primary responder to literally thousands of questions at the Kinsey Institute.  Because it Feels Good is smart sexy, starting with Debby, herself, on the cover in a fabulous pink dress. Her years of practice answering questions and writing columns for national magazines makes her down to earth explanations about some of the “most blush worthy aspects of sexuality” both approachable and authoritative.  Although it is subtitled as a woman’s guide to sexual pleasure and satisfaction, the books wide range of topics would be interesting and of benefit to anyone who loves a woman as well as the woman herself.

The book is a worthy handbook for anyone’s sexual education library because the basic premise is that sex can and should be feel good. Her focus on healthy pleasure and her enlightening discussion of libido and anatomy provides the knowledge that most of us are missing to create more satisfying intimacy.  It has gotten rave reviews from everyone who is anyone in the world of sex education and therapy.

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“What is without periods of rest will not endure.” -Ovid

Rest is not the opposite of effort, it is the source, the nourishment, the energetic food for all that we aspire to accomplish. Most of us never really learn to savor the sweet release of rest, instead we give in grudgingly to our exhaustion, sleeping just enough to get up and start all over again, but never really surrendering to the empty, silent space that real rest takes up. I am not alone, not being one who rests. Our culture loves the rush, the frenzy of the chase; for most of us, resting is akin to laziness.

Our collective exhaustion is visible everywhere, although interestingly, according to a recent National Sleep Foundation study when life squeezes our time, it is our attention to our health and relationships that goes first. Work is reportedly the last thing to be sacrificed. Sadly one of the first things to go is our interest in and willingness to explore our sexuality. Being too tired for sex was the number one reason sited in a study of more than 1000 sexually active people. Not only the need for sleep, but the worry that you won’t sleep well often makes the idea of sex unappealing, which is ironic because sexual activity actually improves the ability to sleep for most people.

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“What is without periods of rest will not endure.” -Ovid

Rest is not the opposite of effort, it is the source, the nourishment, the energetic food for all that we aspire to accomplish. Most of us never really learn to savor the sweet release of rest, instead we give in grudgingly to our exhaustion, sleeping just enough to get up and start all over again, but never really surrendering to the empty, silent space that real rest takes up. I am not alone, not being one who rests. Our culture loves the rush, the frenzy of the chase; for most of us, resting is akin to laziness.

Our collective exhaustion is visible everywhere, although interestingly, according to a recent National Sleep Foundation study when life squeezes our time, it is our attention to our health and relationships that goes first. Work is reportedly the last thing to be sacrificed. Sadly one of the first things to go is our interest in and willingness to explore our sexuality. Being too tired for sex was the number one reason sited in a study of more than 1000 sexually active people. Not only the need for sleep, but the worry that you won’t sleep well often makes the idea of sex unappealing, which is ironic because sexual activity actually improves the ability to sleep for most people.

Read More of “Gift of Rest”

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It is that time again when we are all faced with finding the perfect gift for someone we love. With the economic turmoil and its associated fears coming to bear on all of our purchases, I offer this series of holiday gift ideas that have the potential to give back to your physical, emotional and mental well-being throughout the year in hours of intimate connection. Adding useful and innovative tools and accessories to help you enjoy a reliable and vital sex life is actually like putting money in the bank. Researchers at Warwick University concluded that a healthy and sexually satisfying partnership is like having a nest egg of $100,000.

Buying gifts that remedy the primary issues that compromise most long-term sex lives is a good place to start. When a sex life is down, it is likely due to pain with intimacy, vaginal dryness and lack of libido. Often any one of these symptoms can generate the others. Recognizing and treating these symptoms with love and creativity instead of turning them into a negative relationship story is one of the most loving gifts you can give this holiday season.

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It is that time again when we are all faced with finding the perfect gift for someone we love. With the economic turmoil and its associated fears coming to bear on all of our purchases, I offer this series of holiday gift ideas that have the potential to give back to your physical, emotional and mental well-being throughout the year in hours of intimate connection. Adding useful and innovative tools and accessories to help you enjoy a reliable and vital sex life is actually like putting money in the bank. Researchers at Warwick University concluded that a healthy and sexually satisfying partnership is like having a nest egg of $100,000.

Buying gifts that remedy the primary issues that compromise most long-term sex lives is a good place to start. When a sex life is down, it is likely due to pain with intimacy, vaginal dryness and lack of libido. Often any one of these symptoms can generate the others. Recognizing and treating these symptoms with love and creativity instead of turning them into a negative relationship story is one of the most loving gifts you can give this holiday season.

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I just recently viewed December’s Sustainable Love Movie of the Month and from the first time to the thousandth time I still hold it in a special place in my heart. Frank Capra’s “It’s A Wonderful Life” (1946) has already been put on a dozen of classic movie lists for it’s wonderful casting and terrific director, among other reasons- now here’s why it’s on our list.

The film follows the life of George Bailey, played by James Stewart. George Bailey is a man with high ideals and lust for adventure forever trapped in the pitfalls of life in a small town. He is an incredibly kind person and is always putting other people ahead of himself, sacrificing his college education and worldwide trip to maintain the family business after his father dies. Along the way, he helps a variety of people in countless ways. But when a crisis strikes, he questions his very existence and is shown the light not only by an angel, but also by the people who love him most.

More importantly, “It’s A Wonderful Life” illustrates the sustainable love between George Bailey and his wife Mary, played by Donna Reed. At the beginning of the movie, Mary and George interact as children and she tells him with a childlike innocence that she’ll “love him til the day she dies.” And love him she does, at least from afar, until they dance at her high school graduation. George claims, “If it weren’t me talking, I’d say you were the prettiest girl in town.” Their attraction to each other grows and they finally get married after Mary returns from college claiming she was homesick, when she really was just missing George. On their way to their honeymoon, there is a bank run and Mary sacrifices all the money they had saved up in order to give to those in need. While George is divvying up the money, she creates an elaborate “honeymoon” right there in town. During their life together, they have four children, they rebuild a broken down house almost from the ground up and see the rise and almost collapse of the Bailey family business.

George and Mary have the kind of relationship where, even years later, they can’t imagine being with anyone else. In one of George’s insecure moments, he asks her why she married someone like him and she answers, “To keep from being an old maid.” Indeed, when George gets a chance to see life without him, the sight of Mary as an old maid closing up the library has him begging his guardian angel to reverse his wish. Meanwhile, when George runs off, consumed by the fear of losing a large amount of money, Mary proceeds to tell all their friends what is wrong, and in the end, gets their help.

Although George and Mary’s relationship is nothing explosive, it is sweet in its utter simplicity and its complete lack of pretense. The movie itself is a heartwarming tribute not only to the romantic relationships important in our lives, but also those relationships between friends and family. George gives so much to those he loves and gets nothing in return, but as soon as he is really in need, his friends rush to help him. The movie culminates in a beautiful and kind ending about the generosity of humanity. It is truly a must-see this holiday season.

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“Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.”  ~Lazarus Long

Holidays are challenging times for many people. Rather than a storehouse of loving memories, for many of us holidays serve as annual reminders of the dysfunction and pain that characterized family life. As unique as the stories are between families, the feelings of loneliness, disappointment and worthlessness associated with a history of failed holidays is universal. I have spent much of my adult life breaking the ties to my past by building rituals around the holidays for my own family. Yet, I am still caught off guard, each time the holidays come around by the persistent small voice in me that continues to miss out on the fantasy of warm extended family gatherings and feeling twinges of envy for my friends whose families come together year after year.

Perhaps it is because of the bittersweet nature of my childhood holiday memories, but I have long been intrigued by the endings in life. Although my fascination with endings was probably initially sparked by fear and insecurity, I have come to value my need to ritualize endings as a gift, one that serves to continuously remind me to be grateful even in the face of difficult relationships. The truth about life for all of us is that things are continuously coming together and falling apart. When you pay attention, every day offers opportunities to acknowledge the endings that capture this flow of connecting and letting go. They are the turning points in life that are easy to miss, but have the power to create and carry heartfelt meaning in our days.

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“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.” -Kahlil Gibran

Gratitude is a visceral response. It is a creative burst of energy that springs from us, with a single purpose, to do good in the world. Gratitude cracks the heart wide open and fills us up. We are loved, we are able to love. Carry this feeling into your bedroom the next time it is flowing with your partner and be prepared for the most gratifying sex of your life.

Start with your own body. The cascade of chemical reactions that occur with perfect synchronicity to open you to the remarkable and transformative experience of orgasm is just short of miraculous. Consider the moments when everything feels good in the body. Well fed, rested, exercised and feeling strong. Experiencing the clarity of these moments, at peace in a human body is ecstatic. Sharing this body moment with someone you love is an epiphany.

Consider your partnership. Through thick and thin, knowing that someone is truly at your back provides the foundation to forge on. Imperfect communication is the drive that keeps you working to connect, that keeps you both devoted to being understood. Safe in their thoughts, the relationship is a nest, a haven for discovery of who you are and what you want. To be loved for yourself, in spite of yourself, without doubt. Praise and gratitude for partnerships that help us learn how to love.

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“Before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment… only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say it is I you have been looking for and then goes with you everywhere, like a shadow or a friend.” -Naomi Shihab Nye

The Future feels like it is dissolving around me lately: dreams dissipating, relationships abruptly ending, and young people overcome by their possibilities, or lack of them, are taking their own lives. This is what my days have been full of. One has only to pick up his or her local paper to bear witness to the loss and struggle that characterizes the lives of so many. We are collectively awash in things lost and running as fast as we can to re-imagine a future, any future.

Loss and the stages of grief that accompany it are universal. Little by little, beneath the anger, denial and depression, our sorrow carves the unbelievable into our psyche, making the grooves in our brain expand to accommodate what our hearts cannot hold. This is the truth of deep sorrow; it changes us bodily if we allow it. Refusing is no good; although it is unfortunate no prizes are ever awarded for the mighty efforts made to resist our own pain. The resistance becomes its own storyline, which the Tibetans call “shenpa.” This is the places where loss hooks us, and rather than actually experience the depth of our sorrow and pain, we devolve.

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