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men and earrings
Nov 3, 2006
Why men started wearing earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started.)
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 10:50am
men's view of Maxine
Nov 3, 2006
Men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !


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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 9:58am
share a laugh with someone
Nov 3, 2006

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR

FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS .

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn! to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 9:51am
"Old"?
Nov 3, 2006
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes.
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 9:34am
what's in a name?
Nov 3, 2006
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New YorkState...
    She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.
    She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
    Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers". 
    At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
    The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.
    They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 9:27am
Please dont take offense
Nov 3, 2006

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.  Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden."

Rule 62 Never Take yourself to serious
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 9:20am
restroom signs
Nov 3, 2006
 

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war..
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's Restroom
The House of Representatives
Washington DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA .

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

and my favorite, and most realistic one ~~~



 

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 9:15am
teachers questions...
Nov 3, 2006
Craig (age 9) is a genius!!


HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and
dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck
with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.  
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 9:06am
freekin requests/dont take offense
Nov 3, 2006

MARRIED COUPLE IN THEIR EARLY 60'S WAS OUT CELEBRATING THEIR 35TH ANNIVERSARY IN A QUIET, ROMANTIC LITTLE RESTAURANT.

SUDDENLY, A TINY BEAUTIFUL FAIRY APPEARED ON THEIR TABLE AND SAID,"FOR BEING SUCH AN EXEMPLARY MARRIED COUPLE AND FOR BEING SO FAITHFUL TO EACH OTHER.

FOR ALL THIS TIME, I WILL GRANT YOU EACH A WISH."

OH, I WANT TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD WITH MY DARLING HUSBAND," SAID THE WIFE.

THE FAIRY WAVED HER MAGIC WAND AND POOF-TWO TICKETS FOR THE QUEEN MARY IIl LUXURY LINER APPEARED IN HER HANDS.

THEN IT WAS THE HUSBAND'S TURN.

HE THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID:

"WELL, THIS IS ALL VERY ROMANTIC, BUT AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS WILL NEVER COME AGAIN.  I'M SORRY MY LOVE, BUT MY WISH IS TO HAVE A WIFE 30 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME."

THE WIFE, AND THE FAIRY, WAS DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED, BUT A WISH IS A WISH....  SO THE FAIRY WAVED HER MAGIC WAND AND - POOF!-

THE HUSBAND BECAME 92 YEARS OLD. 

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: MEN WHO ARE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS SHOULD REMEMBER FAIRIES ARE FEMALE.
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Posted: Nov 3, 2006 8:13am
quess
Aug 24, 2006
How old is Grandma?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at
schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There was no:
' radar
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title,
"Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers,
and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common
sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand
up
and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger
privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening
breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt,
or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on
our
radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy
Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10
cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a
nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough
stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a
husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say
there
is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!
..
..
..
..
This Woman would be only 58
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Posted: Aug 24, 2006 5:04pm

 
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Author

Valerie l lurie
female, age 56, single, 2 children
Tilton, NH, USA
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