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6 Things You Could Marry if Gay Marriage is Legalized

6 Things You Could Marry if Gay Marriage is Legalized
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Anti-gay forces have had it a bit rough over the past few years, what with more states legalizing same-sex marriage and growing support among the public. Indeed the scare tactic that once worked — that gay marriage will lead to polygamy — doesn’t seem to be reaching people like it once did.

As such, anti-marriage equality forces have decided to get creative and have come up with a number of ideas of things people might want to marry once gay marriage is legal.

Here is a slideshow of just a few of the things anti-gay folks have said gay marriage will eventually lead to people wanting to partner up with.

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Photo used under the MorgueFile user license, with thanks to mensatic.

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370 comments

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6:16PM PST on Dec 5, 2012

Jimmy M.:
Gays are not trying to destroy the institution of marriage. The are trying, in a way, to confirm it, and open it to all kinds of love. Isn't that what marriage is about: love?

"It is the very core of their being" - actually having many gay, lesbian, or bisexual friends, I can vouch for them that this is not true. In fact, those I know tend to be very kind and helpful, many of them are great to talk to if you're feeling down or just need someone to listen, and are often engaged in activism for many noble causes, including stopping world hunger.

And, if you have a law that marriage is defined a union between a man and a woman, than everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, is being told whom they can and cannot marry. Those who are prevented from marrying the people they love are just the ones who are affected, but even you are being told whom you can and cannot marry.

4:18AM PST on Dec 4, 2012

gays are not being told who they can be in love with and who they can't be in love with, gays are just trying to destroy the institution of marriage, after that they will find something else in this country to destroy. it is the very core of their being.

3:42PM PST on Nov 28, 2012

my sociology text said Sweden legalized brother-sister sex. Consenting adults, but I am concerned about inbred babies- does it happen?

11:54PM PDT on Jun 2, 2012

If women can be forced to endure a vaginal probe before having an abortion, men can be required to have preventative care like prostate exams before watching football.

If we can limit teenagers right to drive based on public safety, we can certainly require the installation in old people’s cars of a device that detects when their speed falls below 90% of the posted speed limit triggering a recorded voice to scream “It’s the pedal on the right, step on it, you old fool!”

If the North Carolina legislature can decide what science can be used to determine future sea levels, we can certainly require that they all spend one week a year buried to their armpits in the sand with their mouths three inches above the high tide level as determined by those methods.

If photo ID’s can be required to vote, so can rhythm tests. If you can’t clap in time with music – Republican Convention Delegate Syndrome – you can’t vote. (Headline: Romney comes in a distant fourth in Wyoming.)

If we can ban intelligent science on climate change, we can ban stupid science on public health. If smoking takes twenty years off the end of my life, it also takes the twenty most expensive years off my future healthcare costs.

11:54PM PDT on Jun 2, 2012

Following this same simple logic – and I do mean simple – the following laws could have the following consequences.

The right to buy and sell cars will inevitably lead to the right to buy and sell people, as in slavery. We have to act now to empower cars and other inanimate objects to decide their own fates. I personally intend to open a sanctuary at my house for Italian sports cars.

If the government can decide how large a soda you can buy, they can limit the size of apples, also sugar laden snacks, that can be sold. Say goodbye to your Granny Smiths.

If the government can limit where you can smoke on the basis that smoke is offensive to some and contains dangerous substances, they can certainly limit your right to fart indoors or outdoors near children or people with strong sphincters. Little Johnny, pull my finger and I’ll call you in half an hour from Podunk.

If the state can limit your protection from discrimination based on sexual preference, they can certainly dictate that men must stare as long and unblinkingly with lust unmistakable in their eyes at every flat-chested hirsute seventy year old woman as they do at Charlize Thereon.

While we’re at it, if the state can tell you that you have no right to sexual preferences that you were born with, they can certainly tell you that you have no right to religious beliefs you succumbed to by choice.

8:50PM PDT on Apr 12, 2012

The anti-gay people should just mind their own damn business. They are incredibly silly. I have a hundred things to take care of each day, and not enough time to sit and think up silly "supposeds".

8:44PM PST on Feb 19, 2012

Gay marriage... is more than just 'same sex' or 'same gender', but it surely not about marrying non-humans.

Any of the following could marry any of the following, same or different, typical or atypical on the same list!

1a) a typically Müllerian (vaginal) sexed female (majority thus typical)
1b) an atypically Neo-Wolffian (neo-penile) female
2a) an atypically Müllerian (vaginal) sexed male
2b) an atypically Neo-Wolffian (neo-penile) sexed male
3a) an atypically Wolffian (penile) sexed female
3b) an atypically Neo-Müllerian (neo-vaginal) sexed female
4a) a typically Wolffian (penile) sexed male (majority thus typical)
4b) an atypically Neo-Müllerian (neo-vaginal) sexed male
5a) an atypically Müllerian-Wolffian (ambiguous) intersexed female
6a) an atypically Müllerian-Wolffian (ambiguous) intersexed male

ditto... for neutrois intergender folks... who do not self-identify as either female or male...

Whilst in the past, 1a tends to marry a 4a (or 4a marry a 1a), every other combination is possible under the law FOR ADULT HUMANS. We're merely liberating the full spectrum of combinatorial possibilities for adult SAPIO-SEXUALITY, and not confining it to just the conventional 1a-4a binary restriction. And such law has nothing to do with other creatures or things.

8:50AM PST on Feb 7, 2012

This would be hilarious EXCEPT that there really are people who think all of these fallacies are true. Same-sex marriage is simply about HUMAN rights, the right of two HUMANS to marry each other, regardless of their gender. It has nothing to do with any other kind of relationship whatsoever. I wish I could see this as humorous and ridiculous, but unfortunately there are a lot of folk out there who can't see how false all of this is.

8:44AM PST on Feb 7, 2012

This article cracked me up! It's always nice to see some humor about serious issues.

1:04PM PST on Feb 6, 2012

It's funny that so much attention is being paid to gay marriage since most heterosexual marriages aren't exactly whopping successes. I still don't understand why people are sticking their noses into other people's business. Marriage is supposed to be about two people who love each other and want to legally bind themselves together. I live in Alabama, and some congressman actually submitted a bill that would have made vibrators and other sex toys illegal to sell or ship them here. Glad to know that my tax dollars are going for such a worthy cause instead of something minor such as education, homelessness, etc. After all Alabama is usually 49th in the nation on just about everything. Thank you Mississippi for being 50th in the nation so that AL isn't dead last. And yes I have nice teeth, wear shoes and am not married to a blood relative. The point of my little story is that of people I don't know interfering in my life and the lives of people they don't know even exist.

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