After hoarding wealth and crashing the economy, the world’s collective animosity toward the 1% is hardly unfounded. Nonetheless, the wealthiest don’t just want all of our money… they want our love, too. Rather than compromising their greed to gain our respect, however, they prefer to whine about our contempt instead.
Here are eight wealthy bigwigs complaining that they deserve our affection:
1. “When I hear the constant vilification of corporate America, I personally don’t understand it. I would ask a lot of our folks in government to stop doing it because I think it’s hurting our country.”
- Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan CEO, wants politicians to stop picking on the wealthy executives who crashed the economy but still came out with their fortunes intact. It not only hurts Dimon’s feelings, you see, it also hurts the country.
2. “[The uproar over bonuses] was intended to stir public anger, to get everybody out there with their pitch forks and their hangman nooses, and all that – sort of like what we did in the Deep South. And I think it was just as bad and just as wrong.”
- Robert Benmosche, AIG CEO, dares to compare the public response to executive bonuses to racially-motivated lynchings. Painting himself as an innocent victim is a joke in itself, but trivializing lynching in the process demonstrates how twisted his brain is.
3. “For their enormous contributions to our standard of living, the high-earners should be thanked and publicly honored. We are in their debt.”
- Harry Binswanger, friend of Ayn Rand, wrote a cringe-worthy op-ed about how much we underappreciate the wealthy this week. The title, “Give Back? Yes, It’s Time for the 99% to Give Back to the 1%”, probably says it all.
4. “My presence is charity. Just who I am. Just like Obama’s is. Obama provides hope. Whether he does anything, the hope that he provides for a nation, and outside of America is enough.”
- Jay Z’s response to activist Harry Belafonte’s claim that the rapper doesn’t do much to promote social justice. As Jay Z sees it, just being rich and famous is enough of a gift to the world.
5. “The millionaires and billionaires who choose to invest in Australia are actually those who most help the poor and our young. This secret needs to be spread widely.”
- Gina Rinehart, the world’s richest woman, finally reveals the “secret” that rich people are actually the most generous. She also reveals the secret to becoming rich: “If you’re jealous of those with more money, don’t just sit there and complain. Do something to make more money yourself – spend less time drinking or smoking and socializing, and more time working.” Notably, Rinehart worked very hard for her large fortune: she inherited it.
6. “I think this notion that it’s the population of the U.S. against the big companies is just wrong. It’s just wrong-minded and when I walk through a factory with you or anybody, you know, our employees basically like us. The root for us, they want us to win. I don’t know why you don’t… I want you to say, ‘Win, G.E.!’”
- Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of General Electrics, wishes the people would cheer support at his company rather than deriding it. Why can’t we be more like his own employees who “basically” like him?
7. “I could slit my wrists and people would cheer.”
- Goldman Sachs executive Lloyd Blankfein believes it’s unfair that people hate him for hoarding wealth. When asked why he and fellow Wall street execs shouldn’t have their salaries capped, he claimed they were “doing God’s work.” After all, how can you criticize a man who is doing the work of God?
8. “The richest Americans may not ‘need’ a break on their taxes, but they sure don’t need being vilified, either. They need our gratitude. So let’s get busy on that shiny monument [for rich people] in our nation’s capital. And let’s get some unemployed people out there building it. It’s the least they can do for those nice rich people who have been keeping them afloat.”
- Wealthy conservative pundit Bernard Goldberg wants America to be more grateful for rich people, starting with a physical monument. His article would probably read as tongue-in-cheek if it weren’t in line with his politics.
Poor rich people. All of the money in the world isn’t going to buy them the adoration they crave.
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