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Rape Ranked as Third Most Popular Sexual Fantasy for Women

Rape Ranked as Third Most Popular Sexual Fantasy for Women

In my mind the words rape and fantasy do not go together – ever. To me these two words could not be more opposite.

That’s why I was shocked, not to mention highly offended, when I came across a top 10 list of female sex fantasies from askmen.com that ranked rape as the third most popular sexual fantasy for women.

Rape, a sexual fantasy for women? Is this some sort of sick joke?

Apparently not. According to askmen.com: “These female sex fantasies usually involve a gorgeous man carrying her off to his bedroom and quickly getting down to business. She’ll protest as he tears her clothing off and expertly arouses her body, but on the inside, she’ll love every minute of it. This continues to the point of penetration, and leads her to an incredible orgasm despite her earlier protests.”

This description of a fantasy rape is problematic for many reasons. First, the description glamorizes rape as a satisfying sexual experience where the attacker is a gorgeous sex expert and the victim enjoys  “every minute of it.” Luckily I have never been raped, but I imagine that many survivors would disagree with this assessment.

Secondly, the description explicitly states a woman’s protest and the attacker’s complete disregard for her pleas for him to stop. We’ve heard it time and time again – “No means no!” – but in this instance “no” is ignored and ends with “an incredible orgasm.” 
 
This depiction of rape is very dangerous. It paints a picture of rape as an enjoyable experience that women crave even if they protest or say no. This type of message creates a huge miscommunication between the sexes in the bedroom. Men may end up thinking that a woman’s doesn’t mean it when she says “no” to sex and that by ignoring her requests he is really appealing to a sexual fantasy of hers, but without consent what he is really doing is raping her.

Anouk Collins at The Frisky shares her story of how this type of miscommunication can go horribly wrong. Collins had shared with her boyfriend her fantasy of going beyond “being dominated and playing the innocent who secretly wasn’t” to what she considered the “final frontier— a simulated rape.” She knew, however, that she would never act out the fantasy with her partner without having a conversation with him first about “safe words and boundaries.”

That conversation, however, never happened and one night things went terribly wrong. Collins recalls:

“As he crawled on top of me, I rather sternly informed him that I didn’t want to have sex with him. To my horror, he got a menacing look on his face and ignored my protests. I knew after a few misguided attempts to block him from entering me that he thought what was happening was drastically different from what I knew to be taking place. To him, this was the fantasy I’d been talking about. To me, it was not. The problem, of course, was that since we’d never discussed it, his decision to enact it without any prior dialogue, without my consent, robbed me of the control that would’ve made it a rape fantasy rather than an out-and-out rape.” (emphasis mine)

And herein lies the problem of glamorizing rape as a popular female fantasy – consent, consent, consent!  Teaching men to ignore women’s protests during sex doesn’t fulfill a woman’s sexual fantasy – it teaches men to rape women. And what’s worse? It opens the door for further victim blaming and claims that women “really wanted it” or were “asking for it” when they actually meant “no” when they said it. 

This isn’t to say that fantasizing about sex is wrong. In fact, a study in the Journal of Sex Research analyzed 20 studies on sexual fantasies in the last 30 years and estimated that 31-57 percent of women have so-called rape fantasies (that is a whole other story for another day), but sexual fantasies, whatever they may be, are built on feeling safe and in control (or at least they should be) – none of which are true when a woman is actually raped.

Sadly, Collins can’t help but partially blame herself for what happened to her because she she says she didn’t explain her boundaries to her boyfriend in time, but saying “no” should have been enough.

What do you think about the askmen.com poll?

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326 comments

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11:14PM PDT on Sep 11, 2014

The stuff in the blogs blows out my mind.
Belle Donne Zürich

8:44AM PDT on Aug 9, 2014

It's really too bad so many people cannot relax enough to enjoy all out no holds barred sex. I have never run into a women in my years of dating that was not willing to expand her sexual fantasies. Most have them and some are afraid to let the monster out of it's cage. I begins normally with teaching a women how to have a mind blowing orgasm then from there she wants more and can't get enough. If it expands into deeper sex play such as rape role play then fine...it's all fun and play between two adults so everyone just relax and breath.

2:06AM PDT on Aug 9, 2014

Part 3 What so many people don't realize is that the (listen to me and learn) promotion of perversion is to reduce the natural resistance so that more children will willingly submit to adults so that the very wicked very wealthy can get plenty of children with which to blackmail all the politicians.

You think I'm kidding? Do the research. Google "pedophilia government scandals" and if you want British and Australian government scandals use "paedophilia." This is one of the international bankers chief tools to control politicians around the world. Don't kid yourself. And remember that those same people own the vast majority of the media. They decide who stands and who falls except for the annoying troublemakers like Bill Maloney (he's in the UK).

I have a very strong inkling that what we YIELD TO and don't ACTIVELY RESIST takes A PLACE in us and remains with us until we decide that it is wrong and we are going to hate it. I think that is very often the basis of a change in desire.

I haven't talked to my friend about her rape fantasy in some years and I know that she has made some significant changes in the way she thinks about things that could be considered as related, so I might ask her if her thoughts are as they used to be. I suspect they're not and that she made the change in her thinking without counseling.

2:05AM PDT on Aug 9, 2014

Part 2 This was many years after the gang rape. I suggested that she seek counseling. That was some years ago and she never did seek counseling. Now, whether she was trying to hint something to me (I have been known to be rather naive) is open to anyone's private speculation (I'm not interested in hearing it) but it does illustrate that your opinions about women's opinions regarding their desires to be forced is rather meaningless. On the plus side, it will keep you from following through if some misguided girl lays a tale on you to provoke you to respond.

Personally, rape was never something I would have ever considered, because, rather like you, I assume, I always thought of the sex act as a mutual show of love and affection and rape is inconsistent with that. But, it seems to me that many times those women who do fantasize about rape have already been forced, just as perverts were most often molested as children, though the line now is, "I was born this way" which is ludicrous since sexual desire in a child is abnormal before puberty (but everyone is supposed to play stupid and think that six-year-old boys are getting turned on by looking at other six-year-old boys. This nonsense is over the top in what they expect people to swallow (all the perverts giggle at that).

2:03AM PDT on Aug 9, 2014

Michael M., the msg. I got said your response was to me, so I'll address you accordingly. Your expressed opinion is as important as a woman's opinion regarding what kind of women men fantasize about. Neither opinion matters or counts because neither is qualified to give it.

If women say they like having rape fantasies, you're not dealing with reality to try to use word games to disqualify their opinions. They're subject to their values; not yours.

Let me tell you about a friend who told me of her experience being gang raped. She didn't know all the guys, but she did know the cop. Yeah, that's right. I'm not sure if he started it or not, but they all raped her on the hood of, I think it was, the cop's car.

I asked her what were her thoughts when it was all over and she told me, "Well, they did pick me."

*Before* telling me this tale, she had previously told me that her favorite fantasy was (and I'm not going to get graphic because my purpose isn't to feed anyone's fantasies, even though that is, without question, part of the agenda of the author bringing up this poll that she deceitfully claims is so "offensive.") to have (she described a type of man) to break into her home, forcibly grab her and tell her what he was going to do and how he was going to use her to please himself and then forcibly follow through.

This was many years after the gang rape. I suggested that she seek counseling. That was some years ago and she never did seek counseling. Now, whether s

9:08PM PDT on Aug 8, 2014

To me there is no such thing as a rape fantasy. There's only rape.

"The problem, of course, was that since we’d never discussed it, his decision to enact it without any prior dialogue, without my consent, robbed me of the control that would’ve made it a rape fantasy rather than an out-and-out rape."

Makes absolutely no sense. "Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse (or other forms of sexual penetration) initiated against one or more individuals without the consent of those individuals." The entire sexual assault is WITH CONSENT, so it automatically becomes not a rape anymore.

Someone said rape fantasy and actual rape is different, just like bdsm and abuse. That's an entirely wrong analogy. Physical abuse is BDSM without consent, while BDSM is basically physical abuse with consent.

The big difference between the two is that BDSM is a new fleshed word for physical abuse. It's like saying someone has an abuse fantsy, that's called BDSM.

You can't say rape fantasy, cause if there HAS to be CONSENT, it's no longer rape. You need to call it something else. It's less of a rape and more of acting out a rape scene. I don't understand how one sexually aroused by rape. Everything is fake. At least in BDSM, the pain is somewhat real. In this "consensual rape", it's basically rough sex where the woman pretends to hate it but loves it.

What exactly is the stimulation of this pretend rape? BDSM is being sexually aro

7:44AM PDT on Aug 6, 2014

"What do you think about the askmen.com poll?" I don't think or care anything about it. What sticks in my brain is all your protests and "offense," yet, rather than asking women yourself, you're asking strangers about this when, judging from your remarks, you should be asking other women if it's true and why, because, according to you, all you can see this as is a sick joke. I highly question your sincerity. I don't think the two things add up. I think you're wholly dishonest. OFFENDED women don't ignore the thing that offends them and say, "What do you guys think?" I very much question the sincerity of your claims. You are shocked and offended but rather than try to make sense out if by asking women why they would give such answers, you're asking the general public what they think about the poll.

Totally bogus.

A genuinely offended woman would have made a beeline to her female friends and quizzed them and then reached out to acquaintances to reconcile these inequities that you claim you do not get. I think you should have been asking women to find out their mental, emotional and physical history and their family history to see if you can find rhyme or reason for this information that you say you can't reconcile and I think that should have come long before this question to the public.

Perhaps I should rephrase. You want to make a lot of money as a journalist and promoting sex fantasies with a liberal website looks like a good vehicle and feigning offense on a libera

11:51PM PDT on Jun 16, 2014

Sounds like Steve's experience is not all that uncommon because about a year ago I met a girl who we'll call Jessica. She was 18 and she had been raped. I abhor rape and think it should carry the punishment of lethal injection. We don't need rapists on our planet and the recidivism rate for sexual predation is very high. Basically it's not curable. But this girl who had been raped explained to me she had sexual fantasies about being raped by men and would go into detail about how she'd like to be taken against her will.

I analyze this behavior as women wanting to be masters of their own victimization by having some control (enjoying it) in the non-control victimization of rape. It would be like giving your belongings away to a thief. You feel like you have some control even though the thief is taking advantage of you.

But this is very far away from the most important aspect that the author totally loses sight of. These are fantasies. Fantasies are neither right nor wrong. You can't shame people away from, nor tell them they shouldn't have rape fantasies. Clearly women like the idea of non-consensual sex, provided it's in the confines of their internal fantasy. The vast majority of rape erotica on amazon is bought and read by women. Yes, women! This doesn't mean women are wrong or sick, it means this idea is sexually interesting to them. I don't think women (nor most men) like the idea of being actually victimized or victimizing another, but the idea, within the confin

11:32PM PDT on Jun 9, 2014

I don't know if the author will ever read this but I think they have missed the whole difference of reality/fantasy rape. Firstly, I would like to share the experience of one of my ex-girlfriends, anonymously of course. She had been raped in reality (dragged into a car by a stranger etc etc...) and of course NO woman would want that.
However, despite this traumatic experience her favourite fantasy in the bedroom was the rape fantasy. I know it seems contrary and I was surprised too but I wanted to let the author know there are women who have really been raped but can still enjoy the rape fantasy in a controlled environment with the person they care for. After all it is just an extreme example of power imbalance, and as long as you can feel secure with your partner, it is all fun and games.

2:40AM PDT on Jun 5, 2014

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