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Rape Ranked as Third Most Popular Sexual Fantasy for Women

Rape Ranked as Third Most Popular Sexual Fantasy for Women

In my mind the words rape and fantasy do not go together – ever. To me these two words could not be more opposite.

That’s why I was shocked, not to mention highly offended, when I came across a top 10 list of female sex fantasies from askmen.com that ranked rape as the third most popular sexual fantasy for women.

Rape, a sexual fantasy for women? Is this some sort of sick joke?

Apparently not. According to askmen.com: “These female sex fantasies usually involve a gorgeous man carrying her off to his bedroom and quickly getting down to business. She’ll protest as he tears her clothing off and expertly arouses her body, but on the inside, she’ll love every minute of it. This continues to the point of penetration, and leads her to an incredible orgasm despite her earlier protests.”

This description of a fantasy rape is problematic for many reasons. First, the description glamorizes rape as a satisfying sexual experience where the attacker is a gorgeous sex expert and the victim enjoys  “every minute of it.” Luckily I have never been raped, but I imagine that many survivors would disagree with this assessment.

Secondly, the description explicitly states a woman’s protest and the attacker’s complete disregard for her pleas for him to stop. We’ve heard it time and time again – “No means no!” – but in this instance “no” is ignored and ends with “an incredible orgasm.” 
 
This depiction of rape is very dangerous. It paints a picture of rape as an enjoyable experience that women crave even if they protest or say no. This type of message creates a huge miscommunication between the sexes in the bedroom. Men may end up thinking that a woman’s doesn’t mean it when she says “no” to sex and that by ignoring her requests he is really appealing to a sexual fantasy of hers, but without consent what he is really doing is raping her.

Anouk Collins at The Frisky shares her story of how this type of miscommunication can go horribly wrong. Collins had shared with her boyfriend her fantasy of going beyond “being dominated and playing the innocent who secretly wasn’t” to what she considered the “final frontier— a simulated rape.” She knew, however, that she would never act out the fantasy with her partner without having a conversation with him first about “safe words and boundaries.”

That conversation, however, never happened and one night things went terribly wrong. Collins recalls:

“As he crawled on top of me, I rather sternly informed him that I didn’t want to have sex with him. To my horror, he got a menacing look on his face and ignored my protests. I knew after a few misguided attempts to block him from entering me that he thought what was happening was drastically different from what I knew to be taking place. To him, this was the fantasy I’d been talking about. To me, it was not. The problem, of course, was that since we’d never discussed it, his decision to enact it without any prior dialogue, without my consent, robbed me of the control that would’ve made it a rape fantasy rather than an out-and-out rape.” (emphasis mine)

And herein lies the problem of glamorizing rape as a popular female fantasy – consent, consent, consent!  Teaching men to ignore women’s protests during sex doesn’t fulfill a woman’s sexual fantasy – it teaches men to rape women. And what’s worse? It opens the door for further victim blaming and claims that women “really wanted it” or were “asking for it” when they actually meant “no” when they said it. 

This isn’t to say that fantasizing about sex is wrong. In fact, a study in the Journal of Sex Research analyzed 20 studies on sexual fantasies in the last 30 years and estimated that 31-57 percent of women have so-called rape fantasies (that is a whole other story for another day), but sexual fantasies, whatever they may be, are built on feeling safe and in control (or at least they should be) – none of which are true when a woman is actually raped.

Sadly, Collins can’t help but partially blame herself for what happened to her because she she says she didn’t explain her boundaries to her boyfriend in time, but saying “no” should have been enough.

What do you think about the askmen.com poll?

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319 comments

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11:51PM PDT on Jun 16, 2014

Sounds like Steve's experience is not all that uncommon because about a year ago I met a girl who we'll call Jessica. She was 18 and she had been raped. I abhor rape and think it should carry the punishment of lethal injection. We don't need rapists on our planet and the recidivism rate for sexual predation is very high. Basically it's not curable. But this girl who had been raped explained to me she had sexual fantasies about being raped by men and would go into detail about how she'd like to be taken against her will.

I analyze this behavior as women wanting to be masters of their own victimization by having some control (enjoying it) in the non-control victimization of rape. It would be like giving your belongings away to a thief. You feel like you have some control even though the thief is taking advantage of you.

But this is very far away from the most important aspect that the author totally loses sight of. These are fantasies. Fantasies are neither right nor wrong. You can't shame people away from, nor tell them they shouldn't have rape fantasies. Clearly women like the idea of non-consensual sex, provided it's in the confines of their internal fantasy. The vast majority of rape erotica on amazon is bought and read by women. Yes, women! This doesn't mean women are wrong or sick, it means this idea is sexually interesting to them. I don't think women (nor most men) like the idea of being actually victimized or victimizing another, but the idea, within the confin

11:32PM PDT on Jun 9, 2014

I don't know if the author will ever read this but I think they have missed the whole difference of reality/fantasy rape. Firstly, I would like to share the experience of one of my ex-girlfriends, anonymously of course. She had been raped in reality (dragged into a car by a stranger etc etc...) and of course NO woman would want that.
However, despite this traumatic experience her favourite fantasy in the bedroom was the rape fantasy. I know it seems contrary and I was surprised too but I wanted to let the author know there are women who have really been raped but can still enjoy the rape fantasy in a controlled environment with the person they care for. After all it is just an extreme example of power imbalance, and as long as you can feel secure with your partner, it is all fun and games.

2:40AM PDT on Jun 5, 2014

Test

1:24PM PST on Feb 12, 2014

Maybe we need to change the wording from “rape” fantasy to “temporarily losing control” fantasy with someone you trust. In sex games, it’s the submissive who has the power. No still means no in the control fantasy, and when you say the safe word everything stops. In rape, you can say anything and nothing stops. Without communication and setting up limits and safe words beforehand, anything can happen. There have to be controls, safe words, and limits. I didn’t make it through 50 Shades of Grey, but what I did read made Christian Grey look like an abusive rapist who had no respect for limits. I didn’t notice any safe words either.
The 1921 silent movie The Sheik depicts an Arabian sheik who abducts an adventurous, modern-thinking Englishwoman and takes her to his tent in the desert. In the book he rapes her, but attempted rape was only implied in the movie. The film made Rudolph Valentino a matinee idol.

12:33PM PST on Feb 12, 2014

Frankly I find it a bit strange this woman finds this so disturbing. Rape and rape fantasies are not equivalent. It is probably a function or extension of basic fact that women like men who are strong and assertive. There is an obvious evolutionary basis for this. It goes along with fantasies about being dominated. This is usually enjoyed as role play with a trusted partner. I have found this fantasy to be extremely common and am not surprised at all. Some the fantasy was mild, more just being dominated, picked up and carried to the bedroom and taken. The other extreme was a woman who wanted me to arrange for some friends to abduct her by pulling her off the street without warning into a white van by men she didnt know and taken to another location and gang banged while I watched. This i could not do. Beyond the fact that it would be risky, and how would i find the men to do this, i felt that people could end up getting arrested and then have to explain something they would rather not talk about in public. It was also too violent for me. What did surprise me a bit is that women who have actually been raped still have this fantasy. They in no way connect it or equate it with real rape. Unlike the writer of this article they realize the difference between fantasy and real life. The difference between being in control of your sexual desire in the fantasy and having that control taken away violently during an act that has little if any connection to sex. My advice to her is

9:39AM PST on Jan 1, 2014

Mature consenting adults understand the difference between role playing and violent rape against another human..its just not women so get over yourselves. I have met many women over the years who enjoy being restrained and controlled during sex. Sex is like a drug, after a while you need another level to get the same high so you graduate to using tie downs, more toys, more verbal expressions during the act to increase the rush of the orgasm when it is allowed to happen.

9:11AM PST on Jan 1, 2014

Sorry, but why don't the researchers ask women more details about what they actually mean when they call a fantasy a rape fantasy?
Do any of these women know anything about how it is to be raped in real life? I don't think so.
I have not read these reports, but it looks to me like we need more new word for sexual happenings, new words for what they fantasize about .

And since porn glorifies rape and men dominating and using women , then who can be surprised that it affects users of porn?

And is the rate of women all over the world that fantasize about " rape" the same?
I don't think so.
So tell us who are these women that have this sexual preference?

1:29PM PDT on Oct 6, 2013

noted

12:53PM PDT on Jul 25, 2013

There is a difference between a rape fantasy and actual rape.

Just like there is a difference between BDSM and abuse.

I understand how that phrase is shocking to anyone who hasn't this fetish. I too was first shocked when I heard about it. But being shocked or offended doesn't "cure" anybody of a fetish and as long as they exercise this fantasy with a respectful and consenting partner and the use of a safe word I don't see how this is any of our business.

3:59AM PDT on Jun 7, 2013

I completely agree with Julie A and her statements.

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Julie M. Rodriguez Julie M. Rodriguez is an arts, green living, and political writer based in San Mateo, CA. Her work... more
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