Rape Ranked as Third Most Popular Sexual Fantasy for Women

In my mind the words rape and fantasy do not go together – ever. To me these two words could not be more opposite.

That’s why I was shocked, not to mention highly offended, when I came across a top 10 list of female sex fantasies from askmen.com that ranked rape as the third most popular sexual fantasy for women.

Rape, a sexual fantasy for women? Is this some sort of sick joke?

Apparently not. According to askmen.com: “These female sex fantasies usually involve a gorgeous man carrying her off to his bedroom and quickly getting down to business. She’ll protest as he tears her clothing off and expertly arouses her body, but on the inside, she’ll love every minute of it. This continues to the point of penetration, and leads her to an incredible orgasm despite her earlier protests.”

This description of a fantasy rape is problematic for many reasons. First, the description glamorizes rape as a satisfying sexual experience where the attacker is a gorgeous sex expert and the victim enjoys  “every minute of it.” Luckily I have never been raped, but I imagine that many survivors would disagree with this assessment.

Secondly, the description explicitly states a woman’s protest and the attacker’s complete disregard for her pleas for him to stop. We’ve heard it time and time again – “No means no!” – but in this instance “no” is ignored and ends with “an incredible orgasm.” 
 
This depiction of rape is very dangerous. It paints a picture of rape as an enjoyable experience that women crave even if they protest or say no. This type of message creates a huge miscommunication between the sexes in the bedroom. Men may end up thinking that a woman’s doesn’t mean it when she says “no” to sex and that by ignoring her requests he is really appealing to a sexual fantasy of hers, but without consent what he is really doing is raping her.

Anouk Collins at The Frisky shares her story of how this type of miscommunication can go horribly wrong. Collins had shared with her boyfriend her fantasy of going beyond “being dominated and playing the innocent who secretly wasn’t” to what she considered the “final frontier— a simulated rape.” She knew, however, that she would never act out the fantasy with her partner without having a conversation with him first about “safe words and boundaries.”

That conversation, however, never happened and one night things went terribly wrong. Collins recalls:

“As he crawled on top of me, I rather sternly informed him that I didn’t want to have sex with him. To my horror, he got a menacing look on his face and ignored my protests. I knew after a few misguided attempts to block him from entering me that he thought what was happening was drastically different from what I knew to be taking place. To him, this was the fantasy I’d been talking about. To me, it was not. The problem, of course, was that since we’d never discussed it, his decision to enact it without any prior dialogue, without my consent, robbed me of the control that would’ve made it a rape fantasy rather than an out-and-out rape.” (emphasis mine)

And herein lies the problem of glamorizing rape as a popular female fantasy – consent, consent, consent!  Teaching men to ignore women’s protests during sex doesn’t fulfill a woman’s sexual fantasy – it teaches men to rape women. And what’s worse? It opens the door for further victim blaming and claims that women “really wanted it” or were “asking for it” when they actually meant “no” when they said it. 

This isn’t to say that fantasizing about sex is wrong. In fact, a study in the Journal of Sex Research analyzed 20 studies on sexual fantasies in the last 30 years and estimated that 31-57 percent of women have so-called rape fantasies (that is a whole other story for another day), but sexual fantasies, whatever they may be, are built on feeling safe and in control (or at least they should be) – none of which are true when a woman is actually raped.

Sadly, Collins can’t help but partially blame herself for what happened to her because she she says she didn’t explain her boundaries to her boyfriend in time, but saying “no” should have been enough.

What do you think about the askmen.com poll?

iStockphoto - http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/11/09/cbsnews_investigates/main5590118.shtml?tag=contentMain;contentBody

334 comments

Bob V.
Bob V.2 months ago

I think most people here don't even understand what real rape really is. It's almost never some creep who jumps out of a bush and rapes a girl. Most rapes don't even involve penetration because the rapist actually remains flacid in most cases. And most rapes are performed by someone the woman knows - brother, father, uncle, neighbor, or even husband.

I wouldn't ever actually rape my girl. But she loves it when she pretends she is not interested, she is a good girl who doesn't do things like that. And she gets to have her cake and eat it too.

Of course it should be talked about extensively beforehand. And a safe word needs to be established too.

I don't understand why some people think it's arousing to pretend to be tortured and humiliated during sex. But I accept it and I would indulge if a woman I love wants it.

Why is it possible for you to accept that someone wants pretend torture and pretend humiliation. But you can't accept that someone might enjoy pretend rape?

It's a woman who wants to have very raunchy very rough sex while still keeping up the veneer of the 'good girl'.

Bob V.
Bob V.2 months ago

"Someone said rape fantasy and actual rape is different, just like bdsm and abuse. That's an entirely wrong analogy. Physical abuse is BDSM without consent, while BDSM is basically physical abuse with consent."

The analogy is perfectly effective. A rape would be sex without consent. And a rape fantasy would be pretending that there is no consent.

I am no psychologist but I find that a lot of women feel guilty about sex. If they enjoy it, they can feel like they are slutty or bad. But a pretend rape allows her to somehow enjoy it while remaining a 'good girl'.

One former girlfriend told me that she just feels like she is so irresistible that I just have to have her even if she is rejecting me.

Gerry A.
Gerry A.2 months ago

When a woman has a rape fantasy it's inside her own mind. The fantasy rapist is a figment (creation) of her own imagination. "He" is totally under her control, a robot. She is not physically harmed in any way. She is not injured. She is not infected with any STDs. She is not impregnated.
In a real male-on-female rape the woman is not in control. She is subdued in some way: frightened stiff, overpowered, drunk, drugged (whether self-administered or not), coerced by some kind of a threat.
The man may intend her no injury. But how does she know that? He has already crossed the threshold of decent behavior.
Perhaps she experiences sexual arousal: vaginal lubrication, swelling of her genitals and breasts. She may have physical pleasure from the intercourse. This may confuse her if she does not understand the "mechanics" of sexual arousal, as it may be about the same as arousal from consensual sex with a boyfriend, husband or casual sex partner. If she climaxes, her orgasm may be stronger, more vivid than from consensual sex. This may confuse her even more, causing her to think that she actually enjoyed the rape. Many rape victims enter long-term relationships with their rapists. Some even marry and bear children with the man who started out as a rapist.
Some rapists don't realize that they are committing rape. The woman may give signals that she consents, either out of fright or inadvertently. He may take signals from her that he received from other women who did consent,

Sofia E.
Sofia E.about a year ago

Many people who are loking for escort zurich do something like this to the girls. In some situations is nice but You have to be very carefull with this stuff.

Bob V.
Bob V.about a year ago

We had been dating for about 2 years and living together for 16-18 months.
I got home after work and I found a note on the table saying "I'm out to go buy a turkey"
That was the signal.

So I got cleaned up and headed to this bar on the other side of town.
Sat at a table by myself and I could see her at the other end of the room at the bar.
She was wearing that dress I like so much. Really sexy.
She was flirting with some guy and he was buying her drinks. Playing with her hair and whispering in her ear.
She looked at me and smiled from time to time.
I wasn't looking at her, I was STARING HOLES INTO HER. and I was getting boiled over with jealousy and desire.
I just wanted to go over and punch that moron into a pulp.

That lasted for about an hour until she gave him a piece of paper, a peck on the cheek and she walked out. As she walked by, she don't even look at me. Like I wasn't there.

She got into her car and I was following her until she drove to a very quiet side road. A dirt road really.

Than she stopped her car and pulled over. I pulled behind her as she got out of her car and gave me a flirty smile said "Hi sir" and said she ran out of gas.
Asked me if I could help her.
I started acting like a rude guy, saying she has to make it worth my while and started to touch her.
She kept pushing me away and calling me a pig.
That's when I threw her against the trunk of her car and ripped her dress off.

We had a code word. If one of us was ever going too

Nunna Yerbidnis
Nunna Yerbidnisabout a year ago

I find this article puzzling. To begin with why were men being asked about women's fantasies? For another, rational adults have a clear idea about fantasy vs. reality. Any man who would force his way through the genuine objections of his lover should probably be in jail. Plenty of women like to play at fighting back, but unless she's really whacked it's obvious that it's a game.

Nunna Yerbidnis
Nunna Yerbidnisabout a year ago

I find this article puzzling. To begin with why were men being asked about women's fantasies? For another, rational adults have a clear idea about fantasy vs. reality. Any man who would force his way through the genuine objections of his lover should probably be in jail. Plenty of women like to play at fighting back, but unless she's really whacked it's obvious that it's a game.

Jacksoneric J.
Past Member 1 years ago

The stuff in the blogs blows out my mind.
Belle Donne Zürich

Joker Smile
Joker Smile1 years ago

It's really too bad so many people cannot relax enough to enjoy all out no holds barred sex. I have never run into a women in my years of dating that was not willing to expand her sexual fantasies. Most have them and some are afraid to let the monster out of it's cage. I begins normally with teaching a women how to have a mind blowing orgasm then from there she wants more and can't get enough. If it expands into deeper sex play such as rape role play then fine...it's all fun and play between two adults so everyone just relax and breath.

Gary Sellars
Gary Sellars1 years ago

Part 3 What so many people don't realize is that the (listen to me and learn) promotion of perversion is to reduce the natural resistance so that more children will willingly submit to adults so that the very wicked very wealthy can get plenty of children with which to blackmail all the politicians.

You think I'm kidding? Do the research. Google "pedophilia government scandals" and if you want British and Australian government scandals use "paedophilia." This is one of the international bankers chief tools to control politicians around the world. Don't kid yourself. And remember that those same people own the vast majority of the media. They decide who stands and who falls except for the annoying troublemakers like Bill Maloney (he's in the UK).

I have a very strong inkling that what we YIELD TO and don't ACTIVELY RESIST takes A PLACE in us and remains with us until we decide that it is wrong and we are going to hate it. I think that is very often the basis of a change in desire.

I haven't talked to my friend about her rape fantasy in some years and I know that she has made some significant changes in the way she thinks about things that could be considered as related, so I might ask her if her thoughts are as they used to be. I suspect they're not and that she made the change in her thinking without counseling.