Suicide, Shame, Name-Calling and Cures: The State of Coming Out In America

Coming out as gay is never an easy decision, and had to potential to be especially rough for someone like Ken Mehlman, a man intimately associated with a party that isn’t exactly known for its acceptance of homosexuality.

Yet Mehlman, once the campaign manager for President George W. Bush and formerly the chairman of the Republican National Committee, has done exactly that this week, giving an exclusive to the Atlantic Magazine. Although there were many who had suspected Mehlman of being a closeted gay for years (and, in some cases, spent a great deal of time trying to make him admit it), Mehlman refused to confirm rumors.

Now, in advance of his open support of a group that is advocating against California’s Proposition 8, a recently overturned amendment banning gay marriage in the state, Mehlman has chosen to become open about his orientation, and seems to be receiving an overwhelming amount of positive support, even from many who oppose gay rights.

Ed Gillespie, a former RNC chairman and long-time friend of Mehlman, said that “it is significant that a former chairman of the Republican National Committee is openly gay and that he is supportive of gay marriage.” Although Gillespie himself opposes gay marriage, he pointed to party stalwarts like former Vice President Dick Cheney and strategist Mary Matalin as open advocates for gay rights who had not been drummed out of the party. He acknowledged “big generational differences in perception when it comes to gay marriage and gay rights as an agenda, and I think that is true on the Republican side.”

But, Gillespie said, he does not envision the party platform changing anytime soon. ”There are a lot of Republicans who are gay, there are a lot of Republicans who support government sanction of gay marriage, a lot of Republicans who support abortion on demand, a lot of Republicans who support cap-and-trade provisions. They’re not single-issue voters.” Gillespie acknowledged that the party had been inhospitable to gays in the past, and said that he hopes Mehlman’s decision to come out leads the party to be “more respectful and civil in our discourse” when it comes to gays.

Mehlman said that his formal coming-out process began earlier this year. Over the past several weeks, he has notified former colleagues, including former President Bush. Once he realized that the news would probably leak, he assembled a team of former advisers to help him figure out the best way to harness the publicity generated by the disclosure for the cause of marriage rights. He is worried that some will see his decision to go public as opportunistic. Mehlman recently moved to Chelsea, a gay mecca in New York City. He refused to discuss his personal life with me, and he plans to give only a few print interviews on the subject.

Chad Griffin, the California-based political strategist who organized opposition to Proposition 8, said that Mehlman’s quiet contributions to the American Foundation for Equal Rights are “tremendous,” adding that “when we achieve equality, he will be one of the people to thank for it.” Mehlman has become a de facto strategist for the group, and he has opened up his rolodex — recruiting, as co-hosts for the AFER fundraiser: Paul Singer, a major Republican donor, hedge fund executive, and the president of the Manhattan Institute; Benjamin Ginsberg, one of the GOP’s top lawyers; Michael Toner, a former chairman of the Federal Election Commission; and two former GOP governors, William Weld of Massachusetts and Christie Todd Whitman of New Jersey.

Dustin Lance Black, the Academy Award winning writer of “Milk,” said, ”Ken represents an incredible coup for the American Foundation for Equal Rights. We believe that our mission of equal rights under the law is one that should resonate with every American. As a victorious former presidential campaign manager and head of the Republican Party, Ken has the proven experience and expertise to help us communicate with people across each of the 50 states.”

Sadly, Mehlman’s mostly easy transition into life as a public and open gay man isn’t always the norm. Take the recent coming out story of David Yost, who originally played the Blue Power Ranger on the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger Show. Yost stated in a recent article with the Advocate:

“I was called ‘faggot’ one too many times,” Yost says of his decision to walk off set of the early ’90s children’s show one day and ultimately leave the show. “ I had heard that several times while working on the show, from creators, producers, writers, directors.”

Yost says he was struggling with “who I was or what I was. To be made fun of on some level or to be stereotyped or put into a category — basically I felt like I was continually being told I’m not worthy of being where I am because I’m quote-unquote a gay person.”

Yost says his costars were repeatedly called into producers’ offices and asked about his sexuality, an experience he says was “humiliating.”

Yost explains that at one point he was so ashamed by his sexuality that he attempted to enter a program to “cure” himself of it, a line of therapy that is still pushed often upon members of the LGBT community. In fact, in the state of California there was even a law on the books demanding the state search for a “cure” to homosexuality — a 60 year old law that only now is potentially being repealed.

Curing homosexuality is also a concept that is being pushed in Minnesota’s schools, as a shadow anti-LGBT group has formed to fight an attempt to end a surge in bullying of homosexual teens in the largest school district in the state. After three gay students committed suicide in the last year, parents met with the school board to demand that the administration take a tougher stance on bullying in the district. In response, a group of anonymous advocates launched “The Parent’s Action League.“ Among their goals, the Minnesota Independent reports, are:

…to “respect traditional family values” and to “provide valid resources for students (and their families) struggling with sexual identity and/or same-sex attraction.” It seeks to “ensure that all health curriculum teach healthy sexuality and promote abstinence until marriage.” The group also wants the district to “promote the Day of Truth” each year.

The Day of Truth is an event organized by Exodus International, a group that says it can turn gay people straight through Christian prayer. It encourages students to bring the Exodus message into schools one day before the Day of Silence, an event that draws attention to violence against LGBT people.

The Parents Action League also has concerns about the district. It bemoans a “lack of resources and assistance for those students seeking to leave the homosexual lifestyle” and “an increase in pro-gay curriculum materials and resources used in our schools.”

The group is also concerned about “the health risks to students who are affirmed and labeled as ‘gay’ and who may participate in homosexual acts” and “the pro-gay activist teachers who fail to abide by district policies and use their classroom to promote their personal agendas.”

Thankfully, there are groups like the Trevor Project, a leading group dedicated to preventing GLBT teen suicides. With advocates like Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe, more publicity means a larger public face for the group, and a better chance of helping teens openly and successfully live their lives without fear of bullying or “curing.”

Not everyone’s coming out story can be as easy as Ken Mehlman’s, but with more support and more tolerance, hopefully we can have more stories like his and less like Yost.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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Aaron B.

7:54PM PDT on Sep 12, 2010

HOMOSEXUALITY is HOMOSEXUALITY, you need to call it for what it is, instead of sugarcoating it.

Pat T.- HOMOSEXUALITY has nothing to do with ethnicity. It is a sexual SIN that happens to be an ABOMONATION unto GOD.

Lika S; Brian M- I don't know what "god" you are referring to as assigning a person's sexaul "orientation". But my GOD wouldn't do that after HE states in HIS WORD ( the BIBLE), that HOMOSEXUALITY is an ABOMONATION to HIM. And to make sure that I wont be accused of a "hatecrime", as a "Christian" (definition: to be CHRISTlike), I am to love the sinner but hate the SIN. Yes, HOMOSEXUALITY is a SIN in which individuals can be delivered from.

Karlyn R; Maureen N- Yes, each generation is becoming more "open-minded", just as they are becoming more and more ungodly and immoral.

Joao M.- The ONE TRUE GOD gave us freewill, unfortunately it will lead many to eternal damnation. But HE gave us an alternative through the sacrifice of JESUS which gives us a chance of salvation. I wasn't always a Christian. I had lived an immoral and wicked life full of SIN. But. thank GOD HE showed mercy toward me and forgave me.

send a green star

Pat T.

9:41AM PDT on Sep 11, 2010

Trying to erase Gay is the same as not being Irish,Native American, Chinese, French, German,African and all other Who we ares.... We are who we are and how great that is ,how great that is
pat,,,

Lika S.

12:43AM PDT on Sep 6, 2010

We are all children of the same earth. What matters is if you're a good person or not. It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is. God assigns that to us.

Brian M.

10:36AM PDT on Sep 3, 2010

@Karen Tucker says:

"I am a Christian AND straight! End of comment!"

Good for you, we're going to give you a medal for three reasons:

1/ being Christian, although I suspect you are so by virtue of birth place and your family's beliefs rather than making a choice after sudying and comparing the various religions in the world, just as I doubt that you studied the various Christian sects before settling on whatever one it is to which you feel you belong.

2/being straight - even though you had no choice in the matter, just as gays and lesbians do not have a choice,

and 3/ for knowing enough to keep your mouth shut other than to state that you are straight and a Christian.

Thank you

Connie W.

7:55AM PDT on Sep 1, 2010

To all the soldiers who serve our country, whether you are gay or straight: Thank you. Thank you for fighting for our country.

Karlyn R.

10:43PM PDT on Aug 30, 2010

I do believe each generation in becoming more open minded. Just imagine what the future holds in the minds of babies.

monica r.

8:19PM PDT on Aug 30, 2010

@Marilyn Diane L.
"Gays, please stay out of the Military - it is not a place you belong. It is more difficult for a soldier to do his job when there are more obstacles then need be. And gay military men can be hurmed by non gay military guys. It is really not safe, please stay out of the military!! There are plenty of ways to serve you country."

Oh, absolutely. For example,it's a darned good thing that so many (100s) of those naughty gay Arab language translators got booted out of the military, because God forbid had we let them serve -- they might have helped prevent 9/11 from even happening. How awful that would be.

Marilyn, I have worked/lived side by side with both gay men and women, in a job where my life depended on my fellow crew, and it mattered not one bit to me who they were attracted to. I did care about the fact they were competent, dependable, and had my back, and when needed, I could and did trust them with my life.

Straight people have no monopoly on patriotism. In fact it is a testament to the loyalty and patriotism of LGBT service members that they would put their lives on the line for this country they love, even though this country denies them many basic rights that straight people take for granted. The biggest obstacle you can give ANY soldier, is to prevent talented qualified people from serving beside him or her based on something that really makes no difference when it comes down to it.

Joao M.

6:05PM PDT on Aug 30, 2010

people should understand that we are not only physical...we are born sometimes in a different body because we must release karmic depths of identity, self worth , and freedom. it is possible to have feminine energy in a man's body and vice- versa. the old fearful points of view, don't let us evolve... what it matters in the end is the human spirit( creativity and diversity which is a human right), if we respect diversity we only have to win...with the diferences, cultures, races, different ways of doing things...in a perspective of the whole, those differences were what made us humans learn and be where we are at this point in history. embracing those diferences is what will make us evolve and be prepared for a deeper level of knowledge. In the end, love is all that is...all our diferences become purposeful and fit the whole. please do not limit human evolution with religious fears and hellish points of view. we chose to be gay before birth, because we are very close of the truth, and we don't need to deny what we are just because the world is not evolved as we are. we are untraditional souls with a purpose to help the world evolve and break traditional points of view...just like those strange signs on the ground in several parts of the planet that everyone thinks made by alliens , they question human knowledge. we question tradition. AGAIN: we are not only physical, we are all connected with each other ...so accept us and diversity, our inner being can help humanity to grow.