The meltdown at the Fukushima plant in Japan has triggered a global reevaluation of the safety of nuclear power.
For years, hippies have protested the use of nuclear power, saying that it’s bad for the planet and the spiritual mojo of humans and animals everywhere.
But the US government is eager to convince people that nuclear power is as safe, and environmentally-friendly as solar and wind power. Officials are reasserting the security of the nation’s nuclear plants and seeking to address the accusations on hippie protest signs all over the country.
Officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S. reactors were 100 percent safe and posed absolutely no threat to the public health as long as no unforeseeable system failure or sudden accident were to occur.
“Those protest signs really irk me,” said NRC chairman Gregory Jaczko, motioning to the dreadlocked crowd that was chanting outside his office.
“Hippies need to realize that with the advanced safeguards we have in place, the nuclear facilities in this country could never, ever become a danger like those in Japan…unless, of course, our generators malfunctioned in an unexpected yet catastrophic manner, causing the fuel rods to melt down,” Jaczko continued.
According to the Commish, nuclear power is a clean, harmless energy source that could only lead to disaster if events were to unfold in the exact same way they did in Japan, or in a number of other terrifying and totally plausible scenarios that have taken place since the 1950s.
The best line of defense if something bad happens? Cross your fingers and listen to everything the goverment tells you. Definitely don’t stop drinking the tap water.
“When you consider all of our backup cooling processes, containment vessels, and contingency plans, you realize that, barring the fact that all of those safety measures could be wiped away in an instant by a natural disaster or electrical error, our reactors are indestructible” Jaczko added that U.S. nuclear power plants were also completely guarded against any and all terrorist attacks, except those no one could have predicted.
If you’ve read this far without realizing this post is a joke, April Fools!
[Source: The Onion]
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