http://www.care2.com/greenliving/10-steps-to-managing-anger.html
10 Steps to Managing Anger
By Nazia Mallick, Ode Magazine
As a growing girl I was tutored by my mother to avoid displaying emotions like laughing loudly, jumping up in joy and showing aggression of any kind in public. I was discouraged to act on my feelings and let it all hang out. Be a Lady, I was told. Even the school where I studied was a convent run by Irish nuns and we girls were expected to act poised and in control all the time.
Perhaps I missed the point somewhere in all this Jane Erye-ish disciplining, and did not learn how to deal with my anger. Instead of managing it I learned to suppress it. When I felt angry or was at the receiving end of anger I had no clue what to do, except become absolutely quiet, seethe secretly, bottle it up and then let it dissipate with time. The best I could do was to burst into angry tears and that made the matters worse.
Later I realized that there is a delicate balance between emotional literacy and repression of powerful feelings, and I learned to manage my anger in a better way. During this learning phase, one interesting thing that I discovered was this: If we are frightened of our anger then we lose control of it. By acknowledging it, we are taking responsibility for its expression and we learn to have some control over how we express it.
Here are 10 steps to managing your anger more effectively:
- Clear the air.
- Express your rage safely, and as soon as you can.
- Don’t store it up as resentment.
- Respect yourself and others.
- Stand your ground and ask for exactly what you want.
- Don’t expect other people to be mind readers.
- Find the true target of your anger.
- Take responsibility for your own life and happiness.
- Practice clean anger, without putting the blame on the other person.
- Practice deep breathing: Press one nostril with index finger; inhale slowly from the other; hold breath for ten seconds; exhale from the other nostril. Repeat ten times, with both the nostrils.
Anger often feels like a roller coaster ride and we end up feeling all shaken up and dizzy. We need to come down; be level. A quiet walk, if possible near a river or cluster of trees, is very effective. Another option is to imagine yourself coming down a stone staircase leading down a mountain.
With each descending step, you are getting closer to your normal state.
Someone wisely said, “Anger if managed wisely, it is one of the greatest teachers in the pursuit of emotional intelligence. Being able to express our anger safely, assertively and effectively means that we have more choices in a situation.”
The second task is helpful in calming you down, after you have been angry. Anger often feels like a roller coaster ride and we end up feeling all shaken up and dizzy. We need to come down; be level. A quiet walk, if possible near a river or cluster of trees, is very effective. Another option is to imagine yourself coming down a stone staircase leading down a mountain. With each descending step, you are getting closer to your normal state.
Ode, the magazine for Intelligent Optimists, is an international independent journal that publishes positive news, about the people and ideas that are changing our world for the better. Click here for your FREE issue.
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5 comments
add your comment »Nice article. These are some more great tips that might help you to manage emotions:
http://going-well.com/2009/07/08/managing-your-emotions/
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Well, this is an interesting topic, but I don't find the 10 steps so helpful, rather vague and confusing. First, "Clean the air", what the heck does that mean here? And then, if you're used to bottling your emotions up, how can you "express your anger safely"? You'll find safety just because you tell yourself to do so? I surely can tell it isn't that easy "finding the true target of your anger" when you hardly recognise your anger at all! What I mean is that when you have real problems with expressing your (negative) emotions, you probably need a therapist to help you identify and overcome them. "Practicing clean anger" sounds just rhetoric babble to me, with no concrete hints of any kind. And when the problem is deep enough, breathing alone won't help.
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Colleen, you have put your finger on a truth which I have checked out with psychologists - anger is a secondary emotion and always a cover over either fear or deep hurt. If you can identify what you are afraid of OR what the pain is, you're well on the way to dealing with the anger, because you can deal with the root cause. By the way, you're in a really tough place right now. Know that I will pray for you. Blessings to all - anger is a symptom - seek the cause.
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With this long term unemployment, loosing my business, having immense debt and trying to move beyond it with some not very supportive friends has sent me into intense anger, if not rage. I know what I feel and the trick has been to sort it out to where it belongs. Much of my anger is fear driven because of the situation, there is some that found that turning the other cheek could no longer serve and juggling all the balls became too many. Decisions to make boundaries in the moment and to end friendships became courses of action I could no longer avoid. I practiced those 10 steps and caution that if you are the only one practicing them be prepared for the other party or the situation to still go into a really bad direction. You can only change yourself, not others. Too often we must find a way to live with in our circumstances even when we cannot easily change them.
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What a wonderful article. I always thought that controlling anger would just come with age. Boy was i wrong! This will help alot.
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