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3 Things Never to Do if You Love Someone

3 Things Never to Do if You Love Someone

I recently read a beautiful thought: “We judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our intentions.” So true! In our own mind, we are often justified in what we say and do, but the truth is, relationships start crumbling when we continue to make mistakes. It is important, every now and then, to stop and introspect. Here is some relationship-repair advice I’ve learned through my own life experiences:

Dont confuse control with caring; Do you want to know everything–or at least most things–about your partner’s day, work, schedules? Do you start pacing, texting or even calling if they are “taking too long” somewhere other than being with you? And when they protest, is your answer often something like, “Oh, I was just worried about you.” If so, sooner or later, the other person is going to start feeling suffocated. Because they care, they might dutifully tell you all about their movements and plans, but such a relationship slowly grows into one among unequals. Of course, your concern could be genuine, but if you let it grow into a pattern, it can be perceived as an urge to control, replacing feelings of love with resentment. For you, here is a positive mantra:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
―†Khalil Gibran,†The Prophet

Dont give conditionally: So, you are the one your partner turns to in his or her time of need. That is only natural, and a wonderful sign that they feel you are there, no matter what. And of course, you offer your help and support without hesitation. But are you also offering it without condition? While it is only human to have expectations from those to whom we give, sometimes, that expectation can ruin relationships. †I am not talking in terms of monetary returnsóit is the attitude that often changes: I helped you out, so now you owe me more attention, time, caring, even love! But this actually makes the other person feel guilty and implies that they are ungrateful. How much nicer it would be to give and to do only because you care enough. A beautiful mantra for those who tend to get weighed down by expectations:

If someone is facing a difficult time, one of the kindest things you can do for him or her is to say, Im just going to love you through this.
―†Molly Friedenfeld,†The Book of Simple Human Truths

 

Dont overlook the small gestures: It is only too easy to conclude that the other personóbe it your parent, child, spouse or friendódoes not love you. All it takes is a few refusals on their part to give you their time or not saying “those three words” often enough. But it is important to stop before you judge: sometimes, we overlook the little acts of kindness and love that our dear ones show us. It could be something as simple as offering to do the dishes or shovel the snow so you don’t have to. Or making you a cup of tea when your back hurts. Believe you me: they speak of deep caring! Some people are simply made such that they cannot demonstrate their love in words or even by giving you regular doses of hugs and kisses. If you have been equating lack of show with lack of love, here is a gentle reminder:

Hes not perfect. You arent either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isnt going to quote poetry, hes not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Dont hurt him, dont change him, and dont expect for more than he can give.

Bob Marley

 

 

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Shubhra Krishan

Writer, editor and journalist Shubhra Krishan is the author of Essential Ayurveda: What it is and what it can do for you (New World Library, 2003), Radiant Body, Restful Mind: A Woman's book of comfort (New World Library, 2004), and The 9 to 5 Yogi: How to feel like a sage while working like a dog (Hay House India, 2011).

119 comments

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11:20PM PDT on Jul 21, 2014

Good advice.

7:49AM PDT on Jul 13, 2014

Thank you

11:07AM PDT on Jul 10, 2014

Thx for sharing

11:07AM PDT on Jul 10, 2014

Thx for sharing

3:09AM PDT on Jul 10, 2014

If your partner is hopeless at something, you may joke about it together, BUT do not keep mentioning it as a joke to friends and family. Over the years the joke gets thin. Then the other partner brings your bad habits up in a sort of tit-for-tat kind of way and eventually it gets serious. No one is laughing anymore. Well, not in your relationship anyway!

3:24PM PDT on Jul 8, 2014

so very true

9:01AM PDT on Jul 3, 2014

thanks

4:04AM PDT on Jun 30, 2014

Good advice. My three rules have always been, "Don't lie to me, don't cheat on me, and treat me the way YOU want to be treated." Simple, right? Maybe my approach should be more "flowery".

7:04AM PDT on Jun 29, 2014

Thank you for sharing

1:21PM PDT on Jun 27, 2014

Aw, this just makes me think of my wonderful husband! :)

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