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5 Ways to Feel Lovable Again

5 Ways to Feel Lovable Again

Loving yourself is much easier when things are going well, but the true test of how much you care about yourself is how you treat yourself when you feel unlovable — when you feel at your worst.

Truly loving yourself means recognizing that your worth isn’t like the stock market — it doesn’t change based on how trendy you are or how in-demand you are. It’s constant. Your mood can’t change your worth and your actions can’t change your worth.

You’ll know you truly love yourself when your love is unconditional. This doesn’t mean being blind to your flaws or giving yourself a pass to do bad things. But it does mean that even in your flaws — even in your humanity — you are worthy. You are still meant to be here. You are still lovable.

In those moments when you feel unlovable, here are some ways to get back on track:

1. Connect with others: It’s easy to isolate yourself when you are feeling unlovable so that no one else has to “put up with you.” But this can send you on a downward spiral; instead, reach out. Even if you don’t want to or need to talk about your feelings, surround yourself with people who love you. Sometimes their love can help you to start believing in yourself again.

2. Continue to use positive self talk: It may feel so phony and fake, but continue to talk to yourself in a positive manner. Don’t allow yourself to put yourself down. Don’t allow yourself to believe the worst. Think about your best day and try to get back into that mindset. Remind yourself that you are wonderful and that you are kind. Remind yourself of every good thing that you knew to be true about yourself on any other day.

3. Realize you won’t always feel this way: When you’re in an overwhelming feeling — whether it’s good or bad — it’s hard to think that you’ll ever feel differently. When the feeling is negative, remind yourself that there are good days to come. Remind yourself that it’s only for a moment and only for a little while.

4. Do something: It’s hard to feel lovable if all you are doing is laying around thinking about how you are worthless. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in a sense: you’re not giving anything to the world, so you’re not getting anything — and it helps reinforce those feelings of inadequacy. Instead, live. Do things. Continue to do what you normally do when you’re feeling great –  even if you don’t want to or feel like it.

5. Be grateful: When you dislike yourself, it can be easy to see everything through a negative lens. But try your hardest to be grateful — even for the smallest things. Be appreciative of the world around you, the opportunities you DO have, and the people around you. Show your gratitude for others and for yourself.

Keep these steps in mind when you are not feeling 100%. They may not fix how you feel about yourself immediately, but they will get you to a place where you can better appreciate the person you are — no matter your circumstance or mood.

Related:

Image Credit: Andreyah Portilla / Flickr

Read more: Guidance, Inspiration, Life, Self-Help, Spirit, , , ,

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Erika Oglesby

Erika Oglesby is a freelance writer and wandering nomad currently located in Grand Rapids, MI. She is dedicated to helping people better their lives through self-knowledge and alternative therapies -- especially women of color and women diagnosed with autoimmune diseases. Visit her website at http://www.erikaoglesby.com.

28 comments

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3:29AM PDT on Mar 19, 2013

Thanks

9:39AM PST on Jan 17, 2013

Continue to do what you normally do when you’re feeling great. - I think it's the best advice!

3:52PM PDT on Oct 11, 2012

@ Teresa W. Being a loveable person does not rely on how you look, it relies on who you are and judging by your photos, I'd say your a very lovable person.

@ Lauren A. It is hard to do all of these, I am a very private person and don't really mix well with others and i usually feel like crap most of the time. I have hobbies to keep me occupied but the one thing that i do have is a girl who loves me and if you were to ask me why, I really don't know why. my point is Everyone deserves to be loved and there is someone for everyone.

11:27PM PDT on Oct 8, 2012

Teresa W... That is what I used to think every time I looked into the mirror! Now I really couldn't care very much! I don't mean I have become depressed, but I think my mind has been metaphorphising. ( Whoops, is that right? it looks wrong! Ever since I became ( and I DO hope this doesn't se your teeth on edge as it might grate on you r bit !! but I really mean it!) .. a Christian.... I don't mean a goody goody curch going Christian thinking I am more spiritual than others and going round bible bashing everyone and being a total pain in the posterior, but for the first time in my life, when I realised that God honestly DID accept us and love us JUST THE WAY WE ARE. I gradually began to realise how really unimportant looks are and if anyone rejects us because we are not very pretty or we are overweight then they are not the sort of people that you really need in your life as they will always make you feel unlovable... There are many people who feel unlovable and if you go out of your way to love THEM and not try to impress the ones who are in the ' In crowd' you will gradually begin to see that it is often the disabled people and those who have suffered who can give you the love you need. I honestly found a focus away from myself and onto others and then I began to realise how God loves people SO much even when they have no legs or arms of they are not very clever and he LOVED EVEN ME! For the first time in my life, I felt loveable! YOU CAN TOO!!!!

6:54PM PDT on Sep 11, 2012

@LaurenA - is it still harder to accept that you feel this way because someone else's problems have been loaded onto your back and into your mind?

I do not believe we are born with self-hatred or lack of self-worth. It's not until we are taught a negative self-image by other people, that we start to believe the worst about ourselves. I developed a way for me to deal with so many problems that I once felt the only way out was 'out'...

- Visualise that you have stopped by a rank of storage lockers.
- Give yourself permission to put down all the baggage you are currently carrying.
- Visualise going through each bag and deciding whether it actually belongs to someone else or genuinely belongs to you (if it's from something negative that someone once said to you - it's their problem not yours!).
- If it's genuinely your problem - pick up the bag and put it away in one of the lockers.
- If it is not your problem - MOVE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD AND WALK AWAY WITHOUT LOOKING BACK!
- When you are ready, visualise coming back to those lockers and taking out ONE bag to work through.If you cannot get rid of ALL the contents, close the bag back up and put it back into the locker.

You can come back to these lockers at any time you are ready, eventually you'll open a door and find the bag has gone - problem solved.

Hope it works for you (or anyone else who wants to try it).

5:18PM PDT on Sep 10, 2012

@ Teresa W. No one is too ugly to be lovable. There is no such thing as outer ugliness. Only inner. And the more positive and confident you become in yourself the more your inner beauty will shine out in you. You can be beautiful, you wont even need makeup, just a bit of happiness.

5:05PM PDT on Sep 8, 2012

Its hard to do all of this if you don't feel like you deserve to be loved.

3:26PM PDT on Sep 7, 2012

Good article. Spending time with friends and family who love you is a great remedy, realising this mood won't last forever is another good one, forgiving yourself for what ever reason you are feeling unlovable, and getting out into a natural setting, a walk by the ocean or lake or woods or where ever you can feel connected to nature and other creatures is very uplifting.

2:44PM PDT on Sep 7, 2012

Numbers 1, 3, and 4 are pretty much the best advice you could give. I have practiced them with great success. #5 is good too. #2, however, is effective for some people but not everyone, so proceed with caution.

10:14AM PDT on Sep 7, 2012

Good advice. TY.

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