http://www.care2.com/greenliving/5-ways-to-heal-grief-one-couples-heart-wrenching-story.html
5 Ways to Heal Grief: One Couple’s Heartwrenching Story
The one thing we all pray won’t happen, happened one day when Art was driving home from a hockey game in Vail, Colorado, with his wife Kathy and their two young sons. As he drove through Glenwood Canyon, high up in the Rocky Mountains, a boulder fell from a canyon wall, crushing his car and instantly killing his wife and sons but leaving Art unharmed.
Separately, a woman in Colorado was going through her own tough times. Several years before Art’s accident, Allison’s brother committed suicide three days before she was due to get married. And when Allison did get married, the union ended in divorce. Then, some months after Art’s accident, Art and Allison met, became friends, and eventually married. A happy union followed times of grief.
Ed’s mother died when he was five days old. His father married his mother’s sister and she died when Ed was 14. As death is such an intimate subject for us both Ed and myself, our meeting with Art and Allison forged an instant and deep friendship.
Healing from profound grief is one of life’s hardest challenges. Friends exhort us to get busy, get back to work, keep the mind occupied, as if doing this is somehow going to replace the emptiness inside. But grief demands attention, it needs to be known, so that we can keep on living. As our friend Jacqui asks, “Do you shatter like a teacup, or like an egg and be reborn?”
In Art and Allison’s poignant and heartfelt book, OUT OF THE CANYON, a True Story of Loss and Love, Art writes, “How do I do this? How do I survive, how do I move on, through and beyond this awful grief, this darkness? I learned the answer was one hour at a time. One day at a time. Taking your eyes from the ground and looking a little higher each day until suddenly there is a glimpse of blue sky, of a star, and the world very gradually becomes brighter.”
Grieving is often a frightening and overwhelming time, one of fear of the future and yet also a rediscovery of ourselves. Whether it is our own loss or that of someone we know, here are some guidelines that may help you through the unknown landscape. The quotes are from Art and Allison’s book.
1. Support from Others
This is so essential: Don’t hesitate to seek help. In the first few days after the loss of his family, friends and loved ones took over the details of Art’s life, such as food and filtering phone calls. “I am normally quite happy when I’m by myself, but in those early days it would not have been good for me to be alone, and in truth I didn’t want to be.” Without such support, seek it through your church or grief support groups.
2. Support from a Grief Counselor
Although many think that they do not need to go to a “professional” for help, it can be the best thing to do. Grief may make us unaware of how much shock we are in. “Blindly twisting and falling down the rabbit hole of grief is a scary thing, and it is immensely reassuring to know that you are not going crazy.”
3. Take Your Time
Grieving is so personal and each of us have to find our own way and in our own time. There is no set moment of time when grief should be over. It takes immense patience and great love for ourselves. “Above all, wrap your arms around yourself and turn your love and compassion inward, where it is really needed.” Become your own best friend.
4. Remembering
Remembering those who have died is essential to healing: they were deeply loved and that love does not die the moment the body does. Celebrating birthdays and other special moments reminds us of the love that was shared and is still in our hearts. “Probably nothing has been more important to my recovery than remembering my family.”
5. Solitary Time
Spending time alone can be immensely healing. Only then can we sink into that quieter place within and find a deeper peace with ourselves and our circumstances. You can read more in our upcoming book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World (you can pre-order a copy at: BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World).
Do you have stories of healing grief to share?
Ed and Deb are featured bloggers for Huffingtonpost.com/Living. Their new book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You And The World, with forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, and contributors such as Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Byron Katie, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jane Fonda, Jack Kornfield, Ed Begley Jr, and others, will be published November 3, 2009 by Sterling Ethos. Deb is the author of award-winning book YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND. Ed and Deb lead meditation retreats and workshops. They are the creators of Chillout daily inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones. See: www.EdandDebShapiro.com.
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26 comments
add your comment »from "dealing with grief" and "getting over it". I hope you can one day learn to accept life as it is and be able to face the day with less bitterness. From one army-child mother to another, I cannot even begin to imagine your pain and although it is an incredibly selfish thought, I pray that I never have to. However, my tears flow for you, my prayers go to you and I send the most gentlest, yet strong hugs to hold you close as you re-piece your shattered heart. I am so so SO very sorry for you. To the lady with the cats, as my own dog lays dying from old age, yet struggling to live, my heart also goes out to you. Love is love. It matters not for which creature. Honour your pets with memories that express your love as you also accept life as it is today. My thoughts and prayers go to everyone listed here and countless others that face the loss of a loved one around the world, each day.
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Far too many people in this world try to deny grief, either for themselves or for someone else. I know someone who caused a vehicle accident that killed her 2 young children and a new partner that she had planned to marry. As she lay semi-conscious in her car, she could hear her dying children calling her. She was unable to help. They died calling her and she lived on, forever hearing those voices. After 6 months, people were sternly telling this woman to "get on with your life", "get over it". I was shocked at the proposed show of compassion yet such a display of ignorance (not the rude kind) and the complete lack of empathy. I cannot imagine such a horrible fate. Bonita, I can only begin to imagine your pain. My only 2 children have enlisted in our army and are about to leave for training. Although we are Canadian, it is still not easy knowing my children could end up in Afghanistan and I already live in terror of seeing my son's names on the front page of the newspapers. You bore this child, you cannot ever forget him. To those that encourage you to do so, they are simply crazy. However, you can still go on. I'm sure your son would not want you to live with such intense grief. You must honour his memory, but you must also honour his memory in a way that would make him also feel comfortable. I believe our loved ones never truly leave us and so it would be my believe that your son sees and feels your daily pain. Acceptance of life as it is today for you, is far different
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My heart and prayers go out to all of you who have suffered, and continue to suffer. May I tell you what has recently happened to my husband and myself?
About 3 yeas ago we found, what we thought, would be our home for the rest of our lives. We're both retired, my health is not good. We didn't find each other until we were 50 years old, so we know how precious each moment is. We lived in this, our little dream home with our 12 beautiful, and very different Burmese cats. Most of them we helped bring into this world. We treasured them, partly because of the different personalities, and partly because we have no children. They were our 'babies'. We also have a very affectionate Australian Shepherd (our velcro dog).
This spring someone, for whatever crazy reason, plotted and planned, and burned our home down completely.. we have NO idea why. My husband (in a robe) and I (in pjs) got out with our dog. The ceiling was in flames and falling on us as we ran out. We had to watch, knowing our kitties were in there, and knowing they would not run out, because they'd never been out. They hid. Only 6 bodies were found. Our dear neighbor buried them for us. Now we need to have the rest of the house cleared away, knowing there are still 6 more in there. So much loss! I learned to knit from my grandma when I was 12, I still had books she gave me. Things from both sides of the family, gone forever. Only my mom lives on, paralized and in a home. Does it ever really go away? I don't think so.
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I have lost 2 husbands to cancer, the first at 53 the second at 50. My second husband was my true soulmate. His loss has crippled me. It will be 5 years and to this day not a minute goes by when I do not think about him. My heart aches and sometimes I am mad at the world and God, if there is one. I have family and friends who care, but it is not the same. You can never rebuild your life.
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So very sorry for your loss. I feel your sorrow. Please take care and peace to you. Patricia Carroll
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Oh dear you are hurting SO BAD Bonita...I'm so very sorry and yes they say losing a child is THE most devastating death for any parent. I'm wasnt blessed with children of my own but I can FEEL your hurt, anger, anguish and despair.
Perhaps for you 'healing' cannot be the right word. I HOPE you have had grief counselling, you need to let everything out in any way you have to...'they can take it'.
The man in the couple who wrote this story lost his child as well as his wife...not all are able to have the resources perhaps he/they did. YOUR ANGER is palpable for the folks who wrote here and even towards some of their Christian belief systems. but we don't know how long it's been since your dear son died in a senseless war!?
No matter what you've said my heart goes out to you, the pain is obviously now in the anger stage of the mourning/grieving process. Denial, shock, sorrow/grief, anger, acceptance ARE the stages of any loss. Noone escapes.
Pls consider reaching out for MORE help. you have to or your life/spirit forevermore will cease to exist. Feel free to write to me here personally if you think you want to. I don't know your circumstances and access to real HELP ...I do pray and send positive energy for you and your 'void' world Bonita. help ever hurt never Patty
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And yes, I know I misspell things. English is not my language,
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You do not "heal" grief! I am still grieving for my son killed in Iraq, and I will forever. To "suggests" I will be "over" him and "all better." How can you EVER heal the pain in your heart for you dead child? You can't, and it does not get "better." I live in a world where there in pain, not the land of rose-colored glasses. You can have the support in the world, it does NOT bring back your son. You can believe in your Christian God you want, but many of you do not follow that path.
So this worked for you, kudos. 1984 is alive an well with most of you where everything has to "nice" and we move forward. Hmmf.
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Thank you for this. I have a friend going through a lot, and I myself am going through it with her. Thank you.
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Emily S
I love your comments about giving to others, I understand where you are coming from. I have heard of some amazing things that people have been inspired to do for others after a tragic loss. The sort of things that make the world a better place to live. I dont want to detract from anything you have said. However, I wish to share that when I have been though really significant loss, I've needed to take some time out just for me. I've needed nuturing and really been more inclined to say no to people and things while going through my own experience of healing, and in my own time. Sometimes grief has presented me with a variety of strong emotions, apart from deep sadnesss, also guilt and anger. Giving to others can be very rewarding and healing, however, I feel there are times we need to put ourselves first for a while, and we are then in a healthier space to give to others
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