http://www.care2.com/greenliving/6-ways-to-deal-with-denial.html
6 Ways to Deal With Denial
posted by Mel, selected from Caring.com Sep 28, 2009 7:01 am
By Paula Spencer, Caring.com
Does a friend or family member accept the reality of his or her situation? What about the other family members in the orbit of concern? Do they realistically get what’s what–or are they in the throes of denial?
Dealing with denial ranks among the more stressful frustrations for caregivers:
- Denial can prevent someone from getting effective care. I’m thinking of the family who make excuses for a grandparent’s memory loss and confusion (”It’s not that bad”)–right up until the day he’s found lost on the highway, having driven two states away.
- Denial can make everyday life harder on primary caregivers, hastening burnout. Here I’m thinking of the sibling who insisted Dad was up to a big family vacation to his hometown, even though at the care facility where he lives, it takes 24/7 care to help him use the bathroom or eat. (And she wasn’t planning on hiring any help because “everybody can pitch in.”)
- Denial can strain relationships. It’s stressful when two people don’t see eye-to-eye about a remedy (”What kind of assisted living would help Mom best?”) because one isn’t even seeing the problem (”Mom is fine!”). That stress can even devolve to severed family ties.
- Denial can interfere with quality of life. A friend recently told me how her family forbade the word “hospice” to be spoken, even as the latest scans indicated their father’s tumors had spread throughout his body and the doctors were recommending palliative care–again. His final days were spent not in peace and drawing together, but in a whirl of last-ditch treatments and pain.
- Anyone within a care circle is subject to denial: the sick or aging person, his or her primary caregiver(s), other family members. No matter where it starts, it sends out dangerous ripples. What to do about it?
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6 comments
add your comment »Oh, I can hardly imagine having to go through this. There is a history of Alzheimer's on my husband's side of the family, so I am trying to read as much of what I can now- pessimistic, I know, butit scares me. So far all I know about anything we can do to prevent the disease is by keeping our brain active,which we both do. I do appreciate all this information, though I haven't gone through anything like this before.
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I worked in Nursing Homes/Home Health Provider & 5yrs Hospice. Denial is in itself the enemy of reality. I've experienced this personally in my family. There needs to be at least one person willing to take off the blinders & take charge. He/She will need the strength & endurance to follow through. The bottom line to this is Love & courage to do what's best for their loved one.Kudos to you Ellen McCoy for doing the right thing.
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I just went through this with my family. I wanted her to come with me to live. My husband and I built our log home keeping in mind that mom and dad would be living in our home when they could no longer live alone. Dad would have loved it but he died before the house was complete. Mom stayed in her apartment until one day she let a total stranger into her apartment to use the phone. He did not hurt her but took all her perscription meds and all her cash. Right then and there I told her she could not live alone any more. She was living in MA, my brother in CT, myself in WV and my nephew in OK. She had brought up my nephew form age six and chose to live with him. Within a month she became very ill and after a hospital visit had to go to a nursing home. My nephew abandoned her there. She was never healthy enough to travel after that. My brother, always in denial, abandoned her too. I was left trying to manage her care long distance. June of this year she told me she was lonely. I asked my nephew to visit more often but he did not. Mom stoped eating. The first part of July the home called me with the news that her doctor proclaimed he could do nothing more for her and recomended hospice. I agreed to hospice and they took her care over. I can not tell you how many calls I got from all who abandoned her telling me to take her off hospice because she would die. My responce: s google hospice and learn. Mom died in her sleep on July 27. I own my decision and am happy to live with it!
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To watch denial in a person you love and are not being detached from is frustrating. Detachment is an art. You cannot change anybody, you must let it run its own course. You can, of course, pretend you are a character on a 70's show and do a whole drama around it, which is kind of funny to do but in the end, is the person smart or aware enough to see themselves? To have fun at life is better than misery...
There is now lojack for seniors and there are adult daycare centers which I think is wonderful. At least there are SOME answers being addressed when it is our collective that is not addressing the problems we face with great generosity and love. Without love, everything is a problem.
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I think it's frightening to admit that someone you love is (or is going to be) in need of 24 hour a day care. One solution that comes to my mind is to have psychologists (or even trained social workers) at centralized locations that the family and the person needing care, can consult with. It might help to make the transition easier because the older people get, the more set in their ways they get.
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just make sure its' not YOU that is the one in denial.
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