http://www.care2.com/greenliving/8-ways-to-get-rid-of-aging-parents-stuff.html
8 Ways to Sort Aging Parents’ “Stuff”
By Paula Spencer, Caring.com
“Christmas lights. Do not work.” Three boxes, so labeled and tucked in the basement ceiling joists, were perhaps my favorite find while clearing out my parents’ house. Well, those or the shelf of neat notebooks recording weekly bowling scores back to the 1960s. A dozen casserole lids, no casseroles. Spare stereo knobs, circa 1975. Enough yarn to knit a sweater that could encase the entire house and yard, Christo-style.
I tossed plenty of useless stuff while clearing out my parents’ home of 40-odd years, recently. (100 pairs of elastic-waist pants, anyone?) But I had it relatively easy, because my parents weren’t involved. (My mom had died and my dad, who was relocating, was sidelined by dementia.)
Most caregivers face the “junk wars” with still-living relatives. It can happen when you combine households because of the recession. Or help a parent downsize into assisted living. Or just try to make a crowded old house safer for an older adult in which to age-in-place.
Sorting through the accumulated years can be exasperating. Even a nightmare, if the person is a packrat, under stress, or hopelessly sentimental. (Which doesn’t leave too many people, I know.) Here are eight great tips to get you started:
1. Start yesterday
Just about everybody who’s been through the ordeal–whether they have to “de-junk” in crisis mode or not–wishes they’d begun sooner.
Tip: Appeal to the person’s sense of not wanting to be any “trouble”: “Dad and Mom, it will be a heck of a lot more trouble for me to sort through all this after you’re gone than to sit here and help you get a handle on it now.”
2. Snap it, then dump it
Take pictures of beloved objects before disbursing them. What is really important are the memories, not the stuff. Your parent is apt to have more fun looking at albums (or downloaded images online) than dusting and digging. Likewise, you can scan old documents.
Tip: Perfect summer job for an unemployed teen.
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I think these ideas are great!
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Hi,
Great site…keep up the good work. I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but you are something unique. Your article touch millions of our lives. Thanks.
gingko
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Miss info I think you took my post the wrong way, I wasn't chastising you at all! My point was that I know my parents would react the same way as your dad did. I was more pointing out that approaching parents about thinning out their "stuff" will rarely be easy or simple, contrary to the implication in the article. I'm glad that you were able to help your dad, and make it easier on yourself.
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Ran out of room in the last post. Case in point over why I would like to help my parents sort, rather than doing it alone afterward. Some years ago my dad was cleaning out the garage and found a thick, silver man's ring. Had I found it I would have wondered what it was doing in the garage and maybe sold it to a jeweler. It turned out to be my dad's wedding ring, lost so long ago I never knew he ever HAD a ring. So many things have a story behind them, and I'd like to know these stories. I'm not boo-hooing over the burden of cleaning out a house stuffed with who knows what. I'm thinking about cleaning out a house filled with history and stories and junk all jumbled together, and not knowing the difference. Yes, I was well intentioned in asking Dad to let me help him sort. No, it wasn't all for selfish reasons. This is a very tricky subject and I'm glad that someone wrote about it trying to help.
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I have been going through my things, throwing away, organizing, and cleaning. My daughter is coming to visit to go through things with me. She needs to understand the history of some of these things. Some were my grandmother's from over 100 years ago. Some are valuable china, silver, photos, etc. I expect her to give away to charityhousehold things and keep some of the family heirloom/history stuff. It is up to her. Even with all that, it will be a huge job with a house and office to go through. What she wants to keep will have to be shipped or she will have to drive a u-haul 2,200 miles! She has my will and is on my checking account, JTWROS. I am healthy, but we know one day it will be my turn. I'm not attached to things, but many of these old "things" are valuable as in Antique Road Show. I ask myself, "If I was moving to a small apartment, what would I take?" That seems to help keep the focus. I just want to make her job easier.
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I did try to be tactful about asking my dad if I could help them sort stuff now. I related this story in regards to point 1 of 8 in this article. There is no way to appeal to parents about them not wanting to be trouble. There is no real way to even suggest helping them now to spare you later. Both of my parents have serious health difficulties and it is not unreasonable to think that either of them could go at any time. I don't know their wishes on anything in their house. I don't know what's valuable and what's not. I don't know what they want going to whom. I don't want to get into arguments with my relatives over this or that. The only clear instruction I have is, "Don't have an estate sale in my house. I don't want people poking through my things saying, "Is THIS what she has? Is THIS how she lived? Sell my stuff at YOUR house." As for the rest, I need to know, and the subject doesn't seem to be open for discussion. I'm sorry if questioning my dad seemed rude, but this really is an issue that needs addressing at some point.
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I think Miss Info was very well intentioned in this article. I have helped my mother and two unmarried aunts sort out their precious belongings. These were family furnishings and treasures collected in two trips to China.
I inherited some of these treasures, and your younger readers might consider that one day they may have a larger home or more children to absorb what their parents leave to them.
One thing that seemed to help my Mom and Aunts let go of much of the useless things was when I told them sincerely not to discard anything they would truly miss. I said we could likely find a place for such an item. This freed their minds to consider what was important and what was not.
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Miss Info, I'm pretty sure if I approached my parents with "Dad and Mom, it will be a heck of a lot more trouble for me to sort through all this after you’re gone than to sit here and help you get a handle on it now.” that they also would be as ticked off as your father was. My dad who is almost 74 does most of the work around the house at this point, my mother has weight/health/ emotional issues, and I dread even thinking about the time when my dad is gone. I'm quite sure that my mother will far outlive my dad. My sister with MS is going through a divorce and living with my parents,who are pretty much supporting her, so I will also be responsible for supporting my sister someday. My mother is a packrat and always has been. In fact she has a bunch of stuff from when her own parents passed away several years ago; so I will be sorting through the STUFF from two households and two generations someday. I would love to try to start downsizing my parents stuff now while I have the time to do it leisurely, but as I said my parents, especially my mom, will not only not let it happen but will be angry to boot. Yes, I'm grateful to have parents who've lived to enter old age, and after losing a granddaughter to stillbirth earlier this year I'm incredibly grateful that I haven't lost one of my children and that I have three other grandchildren. That being said, yes I do have issues with what faces me in the future as the only able child/sibling. Sorry Cecily and Georgi
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What's missing from all this is sentiment and all the things one's parents might have which have been passed down generations. Even if it's in complete tatters or looks like junk. For example, my mom keeps a box of my grandfather's old medical equipment. it's from the 1940's and 50's, it was recovered from a flooded basement and therefore is falling apart. but I completely understand why she holds onto that - it's a memory and it's very emotional for her. the comment about junking the 100 pairs of elastic waist band pants bothers me too because that's fabric that probably could have been recycled somehow. If you are just going to throw away stuff, try to recycle it first...
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