http://www.care2.com/greenliving/a-slippery-slope.html
A Slippery Slope
There are many days that being married, or rather staying married is the most challenging thing that I do. This is still true after 24 years of marriage, no less so than it has been in all of the years of my marriage. The conflicts revolve around the same issues and although we often succeed in living them differently, when the wounds are opened again, and usually with just a single thought, the thorns cut a bit deeper.
Recently, I took a leap and tried to get my husband to see the places where he is unable to connect and extend himself for our kids. There is almost no language available to us in this discussion that does not provoke his defensiveness. Any way I broach the topic, all he can hear is a shrill pitch in my voice; His guardedness setting my tone a notch higher. Before our four children, we had the same arguments of my incessant planning around his availability and his distancing, internal focus which for so many years felt personal. I couldn’t get for decades that it had nothing to do with me.
As we had and raised our children, my need for connection was generally saturated with raising them. I planned and carried out our family plans and he would be present as he chose–the arguments about his showing up to the basketball and soccer games, the school plays and science presentations waned. It was an argument that never shifted anyone’s ground and only dug the ditch deeper between us.
So I was caught off guard when it came up again around my eldest son’s state tennis match. I am used to dropping my own plans for my kids’ events and even re-arranging a list of activities for the other kids, but something about the importance of this event that didn’t even strike him, sent me off over the precipice, the one that only takes one thought to slide into a deep abyss. It is a dark hole that deepens over time, requiring more effort each time to shake the old resentments that harden my heart into a hateful place.
If you have ever seen the Star Trek series with Jean Luc Picard’s struggle to become human after he is taken over by the Borgs. That is what the emotional precipice of life is for most of us. In almost no time, our own heart is unrecognizable and the easy advice that I give all the time of holding what is most loveable and what is most un-loveable side by side feels impossible. Worse still is that I can barely discern my feelings of the moment for the truth of my life. The darkest parts of how I feel can easily feel like the truth I have been hiding from myself.
Even as I gain glimpses of balance and my better sense of all that works in my life tries to regain control, the dust and grime from that nasty slide hang on. I feel ashamed at the capacity for meanness and unkindness that I hold. I re-learn how much work it takes to love and that the only way to find balance comes at the moment you realize that your unkindness has nothing to do with anyone else. It is yours alone.
Claiming my darkness and letting the other person off the hook is in fact the only way back to recapturing your heart.The act of self-loathing transformed into self forgiveness is the key that makes forgiveness of others possible. My husband will never be a strong communicator/connector and yet the only way he will ever get better at it is from a place of being loveable and acceptable in how he can connect and communicate right now.
Wendy Strgar, the owner and founder of Good Clean Love, manufacturer of all natural love and intimacy products. She is a sex educator focusing on “Making Love Sustainable”, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She has learned that physical intimacy is an important component of sustaining healthy loving relationships through her own marriage of over 25 years.
Robyn
Melissa
Deepak
Eric
Dave
Dr. Brent
Isha
Susan
Delia
Michelle
Wendy
Megan
Hilary
Ann
Judi
Ronnie
Kelly
Lily
Terri
Betsy
Cait
Andrew
Jana
Annie B.
Veronica
26 comments
add your comment »thanks...you...
Kabin
Konteyner
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
I was in a very destructive marriage which I ended after 25 years. I met a wonderful man who had a lot of "baggage" when we got together, much more than myself. But I couldn't ask for a gentler, compassionate man, who treated me in the way that I had always hoped and prayed that I would be treated by a partner. He is truly the "answer" to a pray. The only issue that I have, and I have to lay the blame on myself here, is that he has become "so comfortable" with the home and the things that he has gained from our marriage, that I have become a type of "afterthought" in the larger scheme of things. I am feeling "left out" with the video games and movies, etc. How do I get back to being #1?
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
It seems that most men are self centered. My husband did not seem that way when we got married but as each child came along he got worse. It seems that he was jealous of the attention the children were getting. Like one of the previous readers, I may as well be a single parent. My husband exists only to keep himself happy. I frequently consider divorce but on what grounds - that he is selfish & lazy, other than that he is a good man. i have learnt that I am alone in this world and that I should depend only on myself and maybe that is not the worst lesson to have learnt after 20 years of marriage
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
After reading this article, it is once again confirmed for me that divorcing my husband was the most healthy thing I've done for myself. The husband described in the article is a great description of what I was married to. there I was, going to the kids' activities alone. Once divorced, I still went alone. there was a difference in me though. I was no longer lonely. When I was married, I had what was suppose to be a partner and I was terribly lonely. Being single and alone (no BF) I am fulfilled (for now) and feel complete. I'm sure when the kids are out of the house and have families of their own I will feel that I will want a healthy relationship with someone not like the one I had while married.
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
Most folks bring at least a few old wounds with them into marriage; my husband and I brought our share. Something we've learned in 30 years together is that the goal is to help each other heal, not "make each other change". Think always about how you'd receive the thing you're about to say, were it directed at you. Criticism, however loving, triggers defensiveness. "You" statements, especially "you always" statements, are like spotlights in the eyes and rubber truncheons. We have learned to make each other feel safe when looking for ways to resolve problems.
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
Wow, I knew I was lucky, but after reading this and the comments, I realize I am really fortunate. My husband is nothing like the men some of you describe. I certainly wouldn't have married a person like that, let alone have children with them and stay together for decades.
We've been together 13 years, married for 10. No kids, but if we did, I can't imagine my husband not caring about their accomplishments and activities (his devotion to our cats is remarkable to behold!). We are best friends and always have lots to talk about. We also laugh together a lot; sometimes bellyache, tears-streaming-down-our-faces laughing.
I can not imagine being with someone who doesn't talk to me or who treats me coldly. I think Wendy Strgar is kidding herself. Doesn't she feel that she deserves more out of a relationship? Why is she blaming herself? And does she really think she is qualified to give advice on healthy, loving relationships? If this man is not "connected" to his wife and children, then what's the point of being with him?
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
Wat marriage.
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
To Pam S - When you wrote that you've been married for 30 years, I had a woman in her late 50's early 60's in mind, but after looking at your profile, I see that you're only 48. That means you were 18 when you got married. Getting married so young may have something to do with how things are between you and your husband now. But I'm sure you've already been told that.
Often, having children can mask the deficencies in a relationship until the children become more independant or leave home, and then your faced with a stranger. I've been married for 17 years (although living together for 20). We were unable to have children, and decided adoption was not an option. So it's just been the 2 of us all this time. We have our horrible moments, but we have a lot of varied interests. We talk about all sorts of things - books we're reading, music, art, science, the world, philosophical ideas, what we were like when we were young, and we both have a passion for walking in the countryside/mountains. How can you not have anything to talk about, unless you're interested in absolutely nothing.
My parents are in their 70s, and they have a very active relationship now that all their children have left and they've retired - going to lectures, museums, concerts, visiting friends, taking long walks. I'm so glad I don't have to worry about them drifting into an old age of boredom and TV watching. It's all about keeping the brain active and finding common ground.
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
It sounds like he wasa this way before you married him. I don't know why you thought he'd change. Males are by nature self serving and if they have no tendencies toward caring about others, they will not grow them. There always has to be something in it for them.
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
OK, Ann, we did just that....and did it as an 'assignment' from our counselor. Well.t worked for the first 4 weeks. EVERYTHING worked for the first 4 weeks. After that, my husband felt he had tried...and he was done. That should work, right? NOT. He went right back to his old ways..his focus on work, TV on the weeknights.....and trips to the grocery store on the weekend (oh, and dinner!). No more talking. In fact, I can think of 3 dinners out...where we actually sat in silence during most of the meal; it was awful....but that is how it is with us. No real conversation. Just chit chat...about work, traffic, the weather.. Yea, the weekly 'date' did us no good. Any other suggestions?
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
Facebook account: