http://www.care2.com/greenliving/ask-the-loveologist-for-better-or-for-worse.html
Ask the Loveologist: For Better or For Worse
Q: I recently lost my job and like millions of other people, have had no luck finding anything even close to the money and responsibility that I had before. What is worse is how this work situation is playing out in my relationship which I thought was fine before all this started. We use to never fight and now it seems like every conversation we have turns into a fight. Our sex life has dropped to a memory and I am afraid to even ask about it. I can’t stand the idea of losing my marriage now and don’t know what to do. I know we said for better or worse, but no one ever said how you get through the worse part. Can you give me any practical ideas.
A: Many people forget the promises that they made–for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or for poorer–when the tables turn on them, which is tragic, not just for the sake of the promises, but because adversity is one of life’s great opportunities to show us not only who we really are, but also the strength of the bond we have developed with the people we love.
There is no sugar coating the current economic situation and how frightening it is to live with the stress and uncertainty of a future you cannot see. Losing a job wreaks havoc on our self-esteem and sense of purpose in the world. Irritation and short tempers are not surprising during times of uncertainty and insecurity. Temper flares are a warning sign of things unsaid and conversations not happening. We often get angry when we don’t want to experience the deeper feelings of fear and sadness.
Committing to having regular and meaningful conversations about your feelings won’t make them go away, but it will build a bridge between you and your partner. One of the most helpful ways to start the conversation might be to tell your partner how much you want to be their friend and how much you need a friend right now. I have always found in my own relationship, that when things were most difficult and it was hard for us to be kind to each other in any other role, we could usually remember and act on our instinct for friendship. Recuscitating basic kindness and trying to laugh together about simple things will help put ground back under your feet.
Positivity, the science of positive psychology
Physical intimacy is the cement in the foundation for most long term relationships and can also provide a brief vacation away from the stresses of life. The benefits of getting back to your intimate life will far outweigh the work it might take to get there, as physical pleasure has the power to not only lift self esteem and mood, but also makes us physically more well. The ability to enjoy intimacy can often be inhibited by blocked communication or continuous negative thinking about your partner or relationship.
The best suggestion I have to kick start your intimate life again is to agree to weekly or bi-weekly physical conversations
Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. As her online presence continues to grow, Wendy has become a trusted and respected source of information on lasting and healthy relationships. “I feel like I am inventing a language to give intimacy back to the people, take the fear away and open a space for physical love to serve as the glue that holds relationships together.” Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.
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5 comments
add your comment »Ooops -- I made a typo in my previous comment. This sentence should read: I also agree that physical contact WITHOUT the pressure of it leading to sex is a wonderful way to overcome the barriers that build up when there is lots of fighting and perhaps many unkind words.
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I think that loss of a job and financial security is one of those big stresses on any relationship. I know that the times that I have been out of work, it's been hard for me to focus on anything but fear over not being able to pay bills, buy food, pay the rent, etc. And I have discovered how much my job(s) define who I think I am am -- I mainly work as a reporter/editor and publicist (public relations). Without a job, who am I? Give how disorienting these two aspects of joblessness are, it is no wonder it will also strain a relationship. However, like other crisis, this is also a chance to recreate one's life, one's sense of self not dependent on a job, one's trust in the universe to provide the necessities -- and our relationships. In the same way that grief over loss makes us more vulnerable, loss of a job can be the crack in the egg that lets the light in - and a chance for an even deeper relationship. I think it would be worthwhile to talk about these kinds of things with your parter-in-life, and talk about what his/her fears are, what's gotten shaken up in his/her life, and as the author said, treat each other as friends. I also agree that physical contact with the pressure of it leading to sex is a wonderful way to overcome the barriers that build up when there is lots of fighting and perhaps many unkind words. I wish you much luck taking advantage of this "gift" -- the kind that you don't recognize when it is first offered. We all get them! - Brenda
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Despite the popular belief, I disagree that having sex before marriage is the answer. In fact, in some situations it could be detrimental to the relationship ahead. Get to know the person on a personal level, yes! But, as far as having sex, save it! Meet your significant other's family, get to know the person deep down by spending time together and experiencing situations that come up in life. When you bring sex into the equation, that could blind you from seeing flaws in them or give you the feeling that you are more connected than you truly are. Make sure you really do have a lot of the same views, common beliefs, likes and dislikes, morals, etc. Be on the same page. If you don't make sure of these things, you could be setting yourself up for the fall that comes from only having sex in common. If you come upon hard times, you may not have sex, and ultimately may realize you don't have as much in common as you thought you did. Really get to know them, then make to commitment. If you find you aren't right for eachother, you hopefully will be able to move on a little easier because something like sex didn't get in the way. I'm tired of people treating sex as if it is meaningless and to be shared whenever, wherever, with whomever, solely for pleasure's sake. It is something so special.. so important that it should be treated as the joining of two souls. Don't mistake it for something so trivial.
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The person that has lost their job might also want to look deep within him/herself for a cause to the problem. They may not realize that their personal stress and tension with the situation is being put upon their partner and that they may in fact, be causing the constant arguments, without meaning to or fully realizing they are doing so. My suggestion is, as you approach time with your partner, stop and search your own feelings. Realize your feelings of disappointment and crushed hopes. Realize how badly you feel for being in this situation and how badly you feel for 'putting' your partner into this situation. Learn to recognize the tension that builds within yourself and learn to recognize how, when your partner speaks to you or looks at you, how you feel and again, the tension building within. Focus on whether it is you that starts with the first tension filled comment that leads to the argument. If I'm right, then you can teach yourself how to relax when your partner is near and how to accept their attempts at consolation and support. Maybe you are also 'shutting them out', maybe they are trying to reach out to you and you are feeling so badly about having lost your job and financial support that you are not realizing how supportive they are trying to be and in turn, are subconsciously rejecting them and their support. I truly hope you are able to find a resolution to your situation. I hope the love you feel for each other finds a way to shine through soon.
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The most important forgotten thing here with this advise is simply this: NOT EVERYONE VIEWS LIFE THE SAME WAY. MANY CHANGE OVER TIME. It's called growing together.Unfortunately many do not. Seems that since the lay-off your around each other more. Perhaps this is truely the problem. non-compatability now. Things have changed. Maybe it was more of a physical attraction. Why I truely beleive in living together before making a major commitment. Simply making promises in a ritual (Marraige) is not always how you feel in 2,3,10 years. No one knows the future. AGAIN, this is why smart people of the past 70's-80's did live together prior to marraige and CHILDREN. Guess what: IT WORKS. Regaurdless of what Religious ignorance of today would have you beleive. Staying together simply for promises is wrong. WRONG for you, Wrong for the partner and WRONG for any CHILDREN.This is a FACT. Why is it everyone today thinks that life is to be such a bunch of sugar coated crap? It's not easy, never has been. Thats why you LIVE YOUR LIFE THE BEST WAY FOR YOU. Not as society commands is politically correct or acceptable to them. Staying in a unhappy situation breeds more anger and adventually VIOLENCE. Want a great relationship? Live together first, have sex, share your lives THEN PLAN CHILDREN.Then you'll see the real person under all types of senarios. EXPERIANCE is the REAL TEACHER. To much CART (children) before the HORSE(your lives together)now adays. There is so more to life then KIDS.
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