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Ask the Loveologist: Healthy Sexual Fantasies

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Ask the Loveologist: Healthy Sexual Fantasies

Recently I have been having crazy sexual fantasies while making love with my partner. I don’t know if I should feel guilty or excited because when I just let them go, I get way more aroused and I can tell my partner is feeling it too. I can’t get myself to tell my partner and I wonder if this is some form of cheating on him. I am not always thinking of someone else, just other crazy scenarios. Sometimes I am shocked by my own thoughts, like where did these come from? What is your take on fantasies? Do they hurt or help a relationship?

This is a great question that almost everyone thinks about at some point. In a recent research study on Sex in America, the majority of men and women have fantasies while having sex, some studies putting the number between 40 to 90 percent for both men and women. The Kinsey research concurred with this data and showed even higher percentages during masturbation.

In fact, using sexual fantasy as the fuel for early eroticism is for most of us our first sexual act. Boys start having sexual fantasies as early as 11-13, for girls, fantasy usually begins later in their teens and early 20′s. What’s more, there is mounting research which suggests that the ability and freedom to entertain fantasies actually enhances both sexual arousal and desire. Telling stories is integral to being human, and sexual fantasies can be both healthy and inspiring during sex.

Given that sexuality is one of the most mysterious ways that we relate to our partners, it isn’t all that surprising that our range of sexual fantasies is as rich and diverse as we are. Many people feel concern about whether their fantasy behavior is normal and worry about what it means.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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2:37PM PST on Dec 17, 2012

I think people should first learn about themselves before finding a partner and then learning to love their partner and appreciate them instead of fantasizing about other things.

I never have trouble getting aroused by my partner when I slow things down in my mind and let the feeling of the moment overwhelm me. Picturing what I'm doing with my partner from the outside is also another way to fantasize while staying in the moment. It's visually stimulating like porn would be but it's not as gross and makes what I'm experiencing feel so much better than laying there not thinking about anything.

4:01AM PDT on Sep 23, 2012

thanks for sharing this article

2:39AM PDT on Jul 30, 2012

Some people make a lot of money by writing their fantasies down.

2:30AM PDT on Jul 30, 2012

Sexual fantasy can be very dangerous .. all my sexual fantasies lead to me having a one-night stand with a 26 year old man that I found very attractive in more ways than one ..

I try to minimise sexual fantasy now, as I do not enjoy one-night stands. One-night-stands are like a light bulb shining brightest before it blows and leaves you in darkness afterwards, with requiring a new light bulb the next day.

I prefer a light bulb that lasts, and not keep blowing out on me, therefore as little sexual fantasy for me as possible, thanks.

12:30AM PDT on Jul 30, 2012

Thanks for the article.

2:11PM PST on Jan 10, 2012

Fantasties ...ooh, where would we be without them:)

5:54PM PST on Feb 24, 2011

here's my husband and I are having a hard time with our sex life. He doesn't have a drive and as most women, I take it personally, even though he says not to. Today he went to tilted kilt, which is like a hooters, but with strippers(they are all in clothes). I am not a jealous person, but I feel like i am tearing us apart because I am insecure about our lack of sex life, so I act jealous about something like that and then he says he isn't going to tell me anymore. I don't know what to do. I tell him what it's doing to me, I don't know if he's even attracted to me anymore. I try my best.

9:47AM PDT on Aug 31, 2010

Teresa, if you think anything having to do with sex is disgusting, why do you click on articles called "Ask the Loveologist"? If I know I am not going to like an article, I do not read it. There are lots of articles on Care2 that I ignore as quackery. I don't benefit from reading them and no one in the comments benefits from me just saying "This is stupid". You are capable of ignoring what you find disgusting.

6:20AM PDT on Aug 31, 2010

Sexual fantasy about one's soulmate does heal long held sexual blocks. Thanks again Wendy for this wonderful article.

4:55AM PDT on Aug 31, 2010

And please, stop all that pornography on Care2....

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