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Ask the Loveologist: Healthy Sexual Fantasies

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Understanding the sexual arousal that may come from fantasies about being sexually overpowered or raped does not mean that you actually want to have the experience. Even the very common fantasy of having multiple sex partners doesn’t necessarily mean that you are interested in playing it out. It is not uncommon to struggle with the edge between enjoying their fantasies and feeling guilty or wrong about having them. The issue for many couples can be as straightforward as establishing boundaries that are respectful for both partners.

Like so much of sexuality, the idea and practice of fantasy has come out of the closet culturally. Internet fantasy chat rooms, elaborate sexual avatars, and free exchanges of pornography have all contributed to our awareness and capacity for fantasy. Some couples choose to take their fantasies to the next level and “act out” shared fantasy to enhance their pleasure.

There are plenty of accounts of people who allow their fantasy life to go too far. Whether this leads to obsessive thoughts about another or an inability to focus on your life or your partner, this is where fantasy crosses the line and can become a danger to your relationship. Learning to distinguish between fantasy and reality can be a challenging obstacle for some. In the same way that dreams are altered when we try to describe them upon waking, carrying our fantasies into our daily lives can be disruptive and destructive.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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2:37PM PST on Dec 17, 2012

I think people should first learn about themselves before finding a partner and then learning to love their partner and appreciate them instead of fantasizing about other things.

I never have trouble getting aroused by my partner when I slow things down in my mind and let the feeling of the moment overwhelm me. Picturing what I'm doing with my partner from the outside is also another way to fantasize while staying in the moment. It's visually stimulating like porn would be but it's not as gross and makes what I'm experiencing feel so much better than laying there not thinking about anything.

4:01AM PDT on Sep 23, 2012

thanks for sharing this article

2:39AM PDT on Jul 30, 2012

Some people make a lot of money by writing their fantasies down.

2:30AM PDT on Jul 30, 2012

Sexual fantasy can be very dangerous .. all my sexual fantasies lead to me having a one-night stand with a 26 year old man that I found very attractive in more ways than one ..

I try to minimise sexual fantasy now, as I do not enjoy one-night stands. One-night-stands are like a light bulb shining brightest before it blows and leaves you in darkness afterwards, with requiring a new light bulb the next day.

I prefer a light bulb that lasts, and not keep blowing out on me, therefore as little sexual fantasy for me as possible, thanks.

12:30AM PDT on Jul 30, 2012

Thanks for the article.

2:11PM PST on Jan 10, 2012

Fantasties ...ooh, where would we be without them:)

5:54PM PST on Feb 24, 2011

here's my husband and I are having a hard time with our sex life. He doesn't have a drive and as most women, I take it personally, even though he says not to. Today he went to tilted kilt, which is like a hooters, but with strippers(they are all in clothes). I am not a jealous person, but I feel like i am tearing us apart because I am insecure about our lack of sex life, so I act jealous about something like that and then he says he isn't going to tell me anymore. I don't know what to do. I tell him what it's doing to me, I don't know if he's even attracted to me anymore. I try my best.

9:47AM PDT on Aug 31, 2010

Teresa, if you think anything having to do with sex is disgusting, why do you click on articles called "Ask the Loveologist"? If I know I am not going to like an article, I do not read it. There are lots of articles on Care2 that I ignore as quackery. I don't benefit from reading them and no one in the comments benefits from me just saying "This is stupid". You are capable of ignoring what you find disgusting.

6:20AM PDT on Aug 31, 2010

Sexual fantasy about one's soulmate does heal long held sexual blocks. Thanks again Wendy for this wonderful article.

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Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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