Ask the Loveologist: Help, I Can’t Get the O!

Q: I have never been able to orgasm with my partner. My partner says he will do anything to help me, but it seems to make me even more tense. I know he is bummed out every time we make love because he feels like he failed me. I have even faked it a few times and then felt bad about that, like I was lying. What is wrong with me? What can I do?

A: Almost 75 percent of the sexuality questions that are sent to me on my blog are about orgasm. Everyone wants to have an orgasm and you are not in the minority of those who cannot experience this most magical and mysterious aspects of what it is to be human and sexual. Orgasm is a sister or brother to the experience of arousal which happens first in our brains. Self consciousness and anxiety about our ability to perform and/or achieve orgasm only serve to impede.

Not being able to connect in sexuality can be challenging for relationships, but not nearly as much as being disconnected and dishonest about our feelings and our own sexual issues. Just as in other areas of the relationship, partners are responsible to each other, but cannot be responsible for each others experience. Being honest and open with each other about the kinds of touch that feels good is a deeply vulnerable act which will has the capacity to inspire more of the same.

Begin working with your partner and give up the drive for orgasm. Instead focus on opening your lives and sexual activity to the pursuit and curiosity of arousal. Use the power of scent to wake up the limbic center of your brain which controls memory, emotion and sexuality. Experiment with different scents and different physical activities. Rediscover the art of flirting and pay attention to your physical reactions to this kind of playfulness. Orgasm is an opening in life, perhaps the most vulnerable, unpredictable and uncontrollable openings we experience in life. It is the place where thought is replaced with our own body knowing. Showing respect and admiration for this mystery is how to invite it to surprise you.

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.


Dale Overall

Interesting article about an eternal question that many have. There can be psychological issues involved for people who have been sexually abused especially when younger.
And no, this is no an article about pornography as one commentator seemed to believe, it is simply part of Nature's way otherwise we would not have evolved this way as a species.
So many variables are involved including medical, psychological, menopause for older women and yes there is even a male version involved for some.

Carole R.
Carole R5 years ago

Thanks for the post.

K s Goh
KS Goh6 years ago

Thanks for the article.

Bon L.
Bon L6 years ago

Thanks for the info.

Gordana Roljic
Gordana Roljic6 years ago


Lilithe M.
Past Member 6 years ago

Somtimes NOT having an orgasm lets you walk around all day with arousal energy that is good for your body. Breathe it around, let it heal you, let it emanate in your world - people will notice, and it is powerful!!

.7 years ago


Savannah Alli
Fareena Narine7 years ago

I agree with Soul Wine: Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.

Kathryn Queen
Sally T7 years ago

"surprise you"

An important phrase. Do you ever sexually surprise each other or is sex something you book into your diary? Many people do there cant be a 'Thursday' at the weekend/vice versa.
Its a fact that one option might be that you simply dont Grrrr *fancy* your partner enough. If you dont want to rip the clothes off them at least every day, there's always a chance you're not really attracted to your partner enough or there's no *spark* caused by having threat, risk, challenge, danger in your life. Try not coming home for a week.

Ellinor S.
Ellinor S7 years ago

thank you