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Wendy Strgar

Ask the Loveologist: Help, I Can’t Get the O!

posted by Wendy Strgar Jun 9, 2009 5:08 pm
filed under: Blogs, Ask the Loveologist, Guidance, Love & Relationships, Relationships & Sexuality, Self-Help
Ask the Loveologist: Help, I Can’t Get the O!
19 comments

Q: I have never been able to orgasm with my partner. My partner says he will do anything to help me, but it seems to make me even more tense. I know he is bummed out every time we make love because he feels like he failed me. I have even faked it a few times and then felt bad about that, like I was lying. What is wrong with me? What can I do?

A: Almost 75 percent of the sexuality questions that are sent to me on my blog are about orgasm. Everyone wants to have an orgasm and you are not in the minority of those who cannot experience this most magical and mysterious aspects of what it is to be human and sexual. Orgasm is a sister or brother to the experience of arousal which happens first in our brains. Self consciousness and anxiety about our ability to perform and/or achieve orgasm only serve to impede.

Not being able to connect in sexuality can be challenging for relationships, but not nearly as much as being disconnected and dishonest about our feelings and our own sexual issues. Just as in other areas of the relationship, partners are responsible to each other, but cannot be responsible for each others experience. Being honest and open with each other about the kinds of touch that feels good is a deeply vulnerable act which will has the capacity to inspire more of the same.

Begin working with your partner and give up the drive for orgasm. Instead focus on opening your lives and sexual activity to the pursuit and curiosity of arousal. Use the power of scent to wake up the limbic center of your brain which controls memory, emotion and sexuality. Experiment with different scents and different physical activities. Rediscover the art of flirting and pay attention to your physical reactions to this kind of playfulness. Orgasm is an opening in life, perhaps the most vulnerable, unpredictable and uncontrollable openings we experience in life. It is the place where thought is replaced with our own body knowing. Showing respect and admiration for this mystery is how to invite it to surprise you.

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.

More on Ask the Loveologist (21 articles available)
More from Wendy Strgar (67 articles available)

19 comments

19 comments

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19 comments add your comment
joan p.
  • joan p. says
  • Jun 29, 2009 12:07 PM

I just wanted to add one more thing before I hit the gym-If there was every a question about whether God was male or female-think about it Ladies-if God were female, men would come with penis attachments-show your guy how to use a vibrator on you-mine gets turned on by it-Try it-this isn't a dress rehearsal!!!!!!!

joan p.
  • joan p. says
  • Jun 29, 2009 6:47 AM

Never had the O with a partner-but damn=I definately agree wth Samantha from S.and the C. Get a good vibrator and float away ladies!!!

Wendy Strgar

So much great insight... thanks for all this sharing. In regards to the biological issues raised about menopause and surgery, let me say in agreement- that the physical changes that one experiences with age are real and have real impact on the ability to orgasm and enjoy intimacy.

A few good ideas are engaging the olfactory in the process as the brain can still trigger arousal and having good healthy, lubricants around. No doubt that having organs removed will affect where the impulses travel to, but I have heard from many women who continue to have a working libido after hysterectomy. Thanks for bringing these points up.

Vural K.

thanks...
Kabin
Konteyner

Karen Freund

Take a shower. And I don't mean a cold one. The vibrations from a hand held shower head are so fantastic. It works every time and is sometimes so powerful that I fall to my knees.

Stephen N.

Orgasm is a verb?!

Anne P.
  • Anne P. says
  • Jun 10, 2009 9:54 PM

Postmenopausal women can have trouble reaching orgasm, and when they finally do get there (as in my case) it's much less satisfying than in our reproductive years, and can actually be painful.

Randolph D.

On top of everything that has been said so far, my question is do you orgasm w/o your BF? If you know how to orgasm w/o your BF, then you gotta show him how it's done. Tell him how you like it and explain the quality of stimulation to him that you require, then you have to completely let go at the point of no return. Hey, you guys completely love each other; this is what lovers are for.

On top of this, you should both study taoist sexology. He should learn how to take you to the 9th wave (rather than only the 4th wave that most people know) while he sustains himself to superior orgasm. It's the man's job to keep his woman healthy, happy, and satisfied, so he better take an active role and show more interest in his woman. Bring her to the 9th wave - I promise you, you will both wake up to a whole new world.

Tess H.
  • Tess H. says
  • Jun 10, 2009 1:13 PM

Another common complication that is often overlooked in women, is whether or not the woman has had any gynecological surgeries. Hysterectomies, oophorectomies (ovaries removed), tubal ligations - are all physical reasons women cannot have orgasms. It's amazing how this is downplayed in the medical community yet it effects so many women. Over 650,000 U. S. women have hysterectomies each year. Considering the millions of women this number now includes, it's wrong to make such blanket statements as the biggest sex organ is the brain. In order for the brain to send it's signals, it must have all the sex organs to send the signals to.

Katie G.

It can take 45 minutes to "prime" a woman for the big O...consider foreplay. Sometimes just laying in bed, with your partner gently running his fingers over your body is great preparation. And turn off all distractions. Women are constantly thinking...I need to get the laundry done, oh I forgot toothpaste at the store, I should get dinner on soon, etc. and this can really impair your ability to get in the mood and to have an orgasm. Perhaps meditation will help. This is one way to clear your mind of thoughts, and then focus on what he is doing, touching, that is pleasing to you. It's interesting to me, someone who uncontrollably thinks all the time, that when I finally "let go" I seem to sink into another world, and all I can see or feel or hear is my husband. It's incredible, but I can't do it all the time. It takes practice! Oh, and I agree vibrators help too, I let him play with it...he enjoys it and of course, I do too!

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