http://www.care2.com/greenliving/ask-the-loveologist-how-do-i-talk-to-my-kid-about-hooking-up.html
Ask the Loveologist: How Do I Talk to My Kid About Hooking Up?
When I ask my teenagers about dating, they roll their eyes at me, telling me how old-school dating is. They tell me that no one dates anymore and that everyone hooks up. Is there any danger in this new trend and is there anything a parent can do or say about it?
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Casual sexual encounters have existed forever. What has disappeared for this new emerging generation of young adults is the social and cultural stigma about casual sex as well as the mistrust of committed relationships. Their distancing from long-term relationships is not that surprising given the outcomes that many of this young generation have witnessed growing up. In addition to the prevalence of divorce in their parents’ generation, the rise of single mother households and the freedom to refuse old relationship conventions has once again given the next generation impetus to reinvent the courtship game.
This is not that different from the generation of the 60s “free love” or the sexual revolutions that occurred in the 70s and 80s except by degree. The rise of sexual marketing and Internet sex with the declining practice of committed, long-term relationships makes fertile ground for the hooking up culture that young people have adopted.
Dating has fallen by the wayside because it is associated with many of the pressures and societal conventions designed around committed relationships. Relationships are no longer courted but develop in the context of their existing social networks. Fewer young people are having sex with strangers; instead they feel liberated to experiment with sexual attraction among their friends and acquaintances. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, these new social mechanisms for mating have not created more sex, but less.
Kathleen Bogle, author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus, says that while this new form of gender interaction takes the sting out of the rejection of not being paired, it is a less satisfying and natural interaction for women than for men. Women tend to get involved with hookups because they want them to lead to a long-term relationship, whereas men are interested in the hook-up precisely because there are no strings attached. In addition, the entire dance of hooking up, especially on college campuses is fueled by alcohol consumption, so what might start out as flirtations can and does sometimes lead to sexual assaults.
The confusion and lack of satisfaction in this new gender mating dance is visible in the statistics. While 87 percent of college students report having been involved in hook ups, only 12 percent of those interactions turned into anything more than a one night stand. Only 19 percent of women report having an orgasm with this type of sexual experience, compared to 44 percent of the men so that while the interludes may be fueled by normal sexual desire, they are not answering the needs of the participants.
By reversing the norms of relationship building by diving into sexuality before sharing other parts of oneself, the stakes are set so high that most young couples find it easier to walk away from the relationships than to deal with the repercussions of the event. More than two thirds of women interviewed say that while hooking up makes them feel desirable, it also makes them feel awkward. Indeed 12 percent of women interviewed said that it was easier to perform sexual acts than to talk to a guy.
So while there is probably no way you can control your child’s sexual behavior as they get older, finding ways to discuss how different scenarios and behaviors make them feel about themselves is a great gift. There has never been a point in history when we were really good at dealing with and combining our sexuality and relationships. It is a work in progress, which this young generation is working to define for themselves. Offering our experience and insights into the process, as well as a safe and judgment-free listening space is offering a lot.
Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. As her online presence continues to grow, Wendy has become a trusted and respected source of information on lasting and healthy relationships. “I feel like I am inventing a language to give intimacy back to the people, take the fear away and open a space for physical love to serve as the glue that holds relationships together.” Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.
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9 comments
add your comment »So pleased to hear NOT all teenagers are into this hooking up game! Well done Tian and Ashley and thank you for sharing.
The thing that angered and shocked me most is the audacity of some men to the extent of sexual assault in exerting their 'right'(it is supposedly normal) to no strings sexual hook up!!!!!!
Even when the woman would clearly indicate in words, manner and body language 'NO thanks'.
So I am not surprised that many women feel used, awkward, unsatisfied, insulted, violated etc.
I myself had to learn some very tough 'NO THANKS' skills. This is not a game for the faint-hearted or soft spoken. Lol.
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Hi Everyone,
You all must realise that over the years the culture and society has changed dramatically. Once, the things that are socially ''excepted' now, were never practiced amongst gen x and baby boomers.
Generation Y has certainly caused confusion over what is 'good' and what is 'bad'. I am a soon-to-be 18 year old and know what goes on with our generation. Hook-ups have become the 'new' thing to do because many have realised that life is too short, parents do split-up, relationships do not sometimes work and partners can be dishonest and cheat. Therefore we have adjusted and excepted the behaviour to hook-up and test the waters before committing to a long term relationship. (Dont get me wrong, i believe in manogamy and no one should ever cheat.) But to answer you ever growing questions about your teenager, it is that every teenager is different, some do it for self discovery, some because they dont know any better/ follow the crowd. But the younger teenagers are sometimes to worry about! So, parents even though your teenager doesnt want to hear ''the birds and the bee's'' senario, please just tell them , have very short discussions every now and then, and make them aware of the diseases that are out there!!
Cheers, and goodluck.
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Some adults think that ALL kids are participating in this "hook-up game". They'd be wrong. I'm 17 years old, single, and haven't had sex in months. I've tried to do that hook-up thing, and it just doesn't feel right. It leaves me feeling awkward, unsatisfied, and slightly used. No thanks. lol
Just wanted to let you all know that not ALL kids my age are doing this.
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When you feel the time is right or they approach you on the subject, talk to them as you would a friend and encourage questions and do not be judgemental.
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Thanks a million Wendy for a brilliant article!
And just what I needed to read as I have often been made to feel a 'freak' for not being into this 'no strings hook up game'.
Well said Candice! Dating certainly does have too much game-playing, rules . . .
I like honest and natural - that way I can always simply be what I like being most - ME!
As someone who grew up in South Africa (it is often said we are England down there but 50 years behind the times), it was a great shock for me when I first encountered this 'no strings hook up game' here in the UK!
Though I think even South Africa has caught up with the times over the past 10 years! Mostly for the good of the country, but not in regards this social trend of 'hooking up'.
The same is sadly true of Taiwan when I live there, over then past 10 years they too have caught up with this 'no strings hook up game'.
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Is this an American thing? Do they do this in Europe (besides the UK) and Scandinavia? China and Japan? It would be very interesting to see the statistics elsewhere.
In a way, I can sorta/kinda/maybe/perhaps understand this...dating really sucks. Too many rules, game-playing, and most of seems to be in the favor of men. The fact that young women are fueling this 'hookup' mentality doesn't surprise me at all.....it just goes to show that women, no matter what the generation will do just about anything for love and affection, even at the expense of their own needs. Nothing has really changed, it has just gotten more blatant and raw. This generation of women has decided to more than willingly give in the carnal desires of emotionally vacant men, all the while convincing themselves that true intimacy is dead, isn't real, or worth striving for.
I think I smell a backlash on the horizon.....
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I was shocked to read in my daughter's teen magazine that 1 out of 4 has genital herpes now. Hooking up sounds pretty dangerous unless you want to be permanently diseased. It's like playing Russian Roulette. How unsatisfying compared to a good relationship where you actually know the person and they know you and what you like and don't like. These young people cannot ever feel secure or be trusting if this is their practice from the start.
Teens will listen to their parents a lot more than we give them credit for unless their parents are also practicing this type of behavior. Who of them really want to ruin their body and their health? These decisions are permanent and especially the woman's body is not designed for this. Cervical cancer increases with the number of partners.
I think it was on Care 2 that I read in India it's believed that a man's energy or aura or whatever it was will stay with a woman for seven years. Who needs that??? No wonder this generation is so miserable and unhappy.
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I, too, appreciate this article because my teen son is just getting interested in girls (and they seem to be interested in him already). As an older parent, I know the sexual mores are different than they were when I was young. It is challenging to have come of age in the permissive 70's and, yet, feel I should urge him toward greater caution than I exercised back then. The new STD's make it a whole different and much scarier world. Please continue to discuss this type of issue; it sure will help people like me keep the lines of open communication with my son.
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Wendy, this is a really great post! I like the way you handled it without judgment, I think you made some very interesting points. Thanks for the link!
Susan Walsh, www.hookingupsmart.com
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