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Wendy Strgar

Ask the Loveologist: Learning How to Kiss

posted by Wendy Strgar Nov 10, 2009 1:01 pm
filed under: Blogs, Ask the Loveologist, Relationships & Sexuality, , ,
Ask the Loveologist: Learning How to Kiss
20 comments

My girlfriend recently told me that she doesn’t think I am a good kisser. I was a little offended but asked her what a good kisser is then? All she could tell me is that my kisses are too hard and forceful and that she feels smothered when I kiss her. What don’t I know about kissing that would let her know how much I like her?

The first key to a good kiss comes from the power of your attraction and love for someone which you obviously have. Even the most technically skilled kissers often fall short if their kiss is insincere. You are not alone in missing the Kissing 101 class, many people never got the basics of a good kiss. Kissing is more an art than an education not unlike meaningful conversation. In fact if you think of kissing as a way of communicating in ways that words can’t come close, the subtlety of good kissing technique comes clear.

Being prepared for a kiss just starts with basic oral hygiene. Kissing onion or garlic breath is an immediate detractor so brushing the teeth or breath mints can get you off to a good start. The three primary elements that turn on a kissing conversation are breath, lips and tongue. Although it seems like stating the obvious, breathe through your nose while kissing and let your slight pulling back to take a deeper breaths help slow down and connect you while you kiss. Although a racing heart and gasping for air is not uncommon during intense kissing it can be a little off putting at the beginning of the interlude.

Whether you are just giving a little peck or inviting a longer conversation with an open mouthed kiss is all about how you use your lips. Lips are covered with nerve endings and have the ability to communicate soft opening as well as firm control. Experiment with softening your lips even for a short kiss and see how that changes the dialogue. Hard kisses with tight lips can be overwhelming even in the midst of serious passion. Soft open mouth kisses invite your partner into a dialogue which is the goal. Feel for her response. Open mouthed kissing can teach you a lot about opening to relationships, about how to not force things and gives both partners the opportunity to be active participants choosing their unspoken words.

The agile tongue can speak volumes in a kiss. Unfortunately, many people think the French Kiss is as simple as basic insertion of their tongue in the mouth of their partner. Nothing can kill a kissing mood like a sloppy tongue in the midst of a tentative open mouth kissing conversation. Consider the tongue like a diplomat, and just like in a good conversation, use the tongue judiciously to communicate interest, curiosity and intrigue. A light tongue tracing the lips, quick darting meeting of tongues in the center of open lips is incredibly exciting and will open the conversation to new levels.

Discovering the art of kissing takes time. The patient kisser has the time to experiment and demonstrate their sensitivity and understanding. Rushing in and trying to take control of the kiss screams amateur and pushes people away more often than pulling them in. Developing the artistic capacity to communicate without words will not only enhance the physical intimacy that you share but you will be surprised at how much safer and more open your verbal conversations will become.

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. As her online presence continues to grow, Wendy has become a trusted and respected source of information on lasting and healthy relationships. “I feel like I am inventing a language to give intimacy back to the people, take the fear away and open a space for physical love to serve as the glue that holds relationships together." Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.
More on Ask the Loveologist (23 articles available)
More from Wendy Strgar (71 articles available)

20 comments

20 comments

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20 comments add your comment
Cindy B.

OK -- I don't have much time but can't resist adding my 2 cents on this very important topic. THE KISS....the kiss should be approached tentatively, softly, mysteriously... the lips should be barely touching at first, then slightly firmer... definitely open-mouthed and gentle, searching, open to all possibilities... If the kiss is working like it should, there should be changes in the breath of both parties, an increasing sense of "sharing" the breath as the exhalations of one partner begin to be drawn in by the other... this is VERY sexy; sharing the breath back and forth is so intimate! If both people are feeling increasingly turned on, this breath-sharing will start to roll and flow like the ocean tide on the full moon, surging forward and falling back again with ever increasing urgency... There should be, at the same time, increasing movement between the meeting lips; this should be gentle, searching and exploratory, never the agenda of the one merely foisted upon the other... I think the perfect kiss is like a beautiful slow dance -- where each partner's movements acknowledge, accept and respond to the movements of the other... Believe me, when this is done right the kiss just gets better and better; YOW! Lastly, it's absolutely true -- nothing is more of a turn-off than a hard, demanding kiss -- or a big fat sloppy tongue jammed into one's mouth. Unromantic, AND it cuts off one's airway! Anyway, these are my quick & dirty comments. xxxxx! Cindy

Judy P.
  • Judy P. says
  • Nov 12, 2009 8:03 AM

Is anyone going to answer the question from Lukntwohvn R. -- I know I never thought I got enough of the soul searching expression of kissing that I desired and I am glad that someone is talking about it. Hope someone looks at this comment because I'm a day late in getting the message. So, what's up men, why do you drop the ball after you've made the conquest. Is it correct that all you wanted was the sex?

Neil K.
  • Neil K. says
  • Nov 11, 2009 8:59 PM

I think kissing is the most efficient way to express love. By proper way of kissing one can pass the warmth of the relation .

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Ram B.
  • Ram B. says
  • Nov 11, 2009 6:53 PM

Kissing has the largest role in a wholesome sex-play -
http://evolutionary-relations.blogspot.com/2009/10/wholesome-sex-play.html

Danielle Golden

Love it! And I love that we can talk about it openly. I never was fond of kissing, but I'm discovering that it was apparently my ex that I didn't like to kiss, because the new love of my life I could kiss all day and he certainly loves to kiss me. Let there be no doubt! :)

Laura H.

Learned from and loved your article on kissing. The conversation of kissing makes it easier to understand and work with. I can't wait to share this article with my husband, who is a pretty good kisser, but too many times rushes to the end goal and forgets to kiss.

Alexandra R.

Robyn, don't feel alone. I am 43 years old and no man has ever bothered trying to kiss me on the lips either.

Leni M.
  • Leni M. says
  • Nov 11, 2009 10:52 AM

This is for Robyn Rhudy, give it some more time and just also know that sometimes, you might have to be the one initiating. Adam R. has the right mode in that it is a great calorie burner also so huge plus....

Leni M.
  • Leni M. says
  • Nov 11, 2009 10:52 AM

This is for Robyn Rhudy, give it some more time and just also know that sometimes, you might have to be the one initiating. Adam R. has the right mode in that it is a great calorie burner also so huge plus....

Paula P.

When I met my honey 10 years ago, I had to slow him down and demonstrate how sensual I liked to be kissed. He hasn't stopped kissing me since. :)

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