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Ask the Loveologist: Learning How to Kiss

Ask the Loveologist: Learning How to Kiss

My girlfriend recently told me that she doesn’t think I am a good kisser. I was a little offended but asked her what a good kisser is then? All she could tell me is that my kisses are too hard and forceful and that she feels smothered when I kiss her. What don’t I know about kissing that would let her know how much I like her?

The first key to a good kiss comes from the power of your attraction and love for someone which you obviously have. Even the most technically skilled kissers often fall short if their kiss is insincere. You are not alone in missing the Kissing 101 class, many people never got the basics of a good kiss. Kissing is more an art than an education not unlike meaningful conversation. In fact if you think of kissing as a way of communicating in ways that words can’t come close, the subtlety of good kissing technique comes clear.

Being prepared for a kiss just starts with basic oral hygiene. Kissing onion or garlic breath is an immediate detractor so brushing the teeth or breath mints can get you off to a good start. The three primary elements that turn on a kissing conversation are breath, lips and tongue. Although it seems like stating the obvious, breathe through your nose while kissing and let your slight pulling back to take a deeper breaths help slow down and connect you while you kiss. Although a racing heart and gasping for air is not uncommon during intense kissing it can be a little off putting at the beginning of the interlude.

Whether you are just giving a little peck or inviting a longer conversation with an open mouthed kiss is all about how you use your lips. Lips are covered with nerve endings and have the ability to communicate soft opening as well as firm control. Experiment with softening your lips even for a short kiss and see how that changes the dialogue. Hard kisses with tight lips can be overwhelming even in the midst of serious passion. Soft open mouth kisses invite your partner into a dialogue which is the goal. Feel for her response. Open mouthed kissing can teach you a lot about opening to relationships, about how to not force things and gives both partners the opportunity to be active participants choosing their unspoken words.

The agile tongue can speak volumes in a kiss. Unfortunately, many people think the French Kiss is as simple as basic insertion of their tongue in the mouth of their partner. Nothing can kill a kissing mood like a sloppy tongue in the midst of a tentative open mouth kissing conversation. Consider the tongue like a diplomat, and just like in a good conversation, use the tongue judiciously to communicate interest, curiosity and intrigue. A light tongue tracing the lips, quick darting meeting of tongues in the center of open lips is incredibly exciting and will open the conversation to new levels.

Discovering the art of kissing takes time. The patient kisser has the time to experiment and demonstrate their sensitivity and understanding. Rushing in and trying to take control of the kiss screams amateur and pushes people away more often than pulling them in. Developing the artistic capacity to communicate without words will not only enhance the physical intimacy that you share but you will be surprised at how much safer and more open your verbal conversations will become.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


+ add your own
6:17AM PST on Feb 17, 2013

Thank you

6:57PM PST on Feb 12, 2013


12:23PM PST on Feb 12, 2013

When I was young and self-confident as a lover, my sweetheart once unexpectedly told me: "Would you like me to teach you kissing?" I also was a little offended... But her school made sense. It was base on soft activating my lips and tongue.

11:45PM PST on Feb 11, 2013


2:19PM PDT on Apr 16, 2012

good advice

12:20PM PDT on Mar 14, 2012

interesting read.

4:21PM PST on Feb 19, 2012

I have known many people that needed a lesson in good kissing ~

12:02PM PST on Feb 19, 2012

This is interesting.

2:14AM PST on Feb 16, 2012

Thanks for posting

2:06AM PST on Feb 16, 2012

Difficult to follow about being noticed that whether a kiss was hard or soft.


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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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