http://www.care2.com/greenliving/ask-the-loveologist-living-with-betrayal.html
Ask the Loveologist: Living With Betrayal
I have been married for ten years and just recently found out about a short affair that my wife had over five years ago. I confronted her about it and she said she was truly sorry and that when it came down to a choice, she had always wanted to be with me. Even though I believe her, I am so stunned by her doing this with a mutual friend that I can’t get over it. I don’t want to measure my whole marriage by this one event, but I can’t get it out of my mind. What would you recommend?
It has long been said that bad things happen in a moment and good things take a long time to build. This is the truest thing you can say about betrayals and trust in relationships. Often a betrayal can leave you questioning the very foundation of how you think and feel, not just about the person involved in the betrayal, but with everyone else in your life as well. The reason you can’t get the experience out of your mind is that the experience of betrayal is visceral. It makes you sick to your stomach and it literally can feel like the ground has been pulled out from under you.
Although the experience is old for your partner, just learning about it brings it to the present tense for you. This is why many people never come clean on indiscretions, because for them the choice has already been made. For them, there is nothing to be gained by sharing the past. This might be true so long as the truth is assured to never come out, but living with ghosts in the closet can have both emotional and health ramifications. People do get sick from the secrets they keep and the feeling of having something to hide makes the work of building trust that much harder.
Recovering from betrayal takes time. Slowly the world rights itself and it gets easier to see the relationship as a whole, both the good and the bad. Re-committing to relationships after a betrayal is like getting back up on the horse after a fall. You might not bring the same innocent heart back to it, but bringing back wisdom can often be worth the trade. Five years later, you can see that your partner did choose you. Can you bear witness to the daily little ways she has committed to loving you? If so, then you are lucky.
Many people’s entire lives are poisoned from other people’s betrayals. Their past experiences prevent them from ever really being vulnerable or willing to trust again. The tragedy of this is that they really lose the most. Never trusting yourself to love again is too steep a price to pay for the transgressions that often happen in relationships. Decide what you want to build out of the ashes of this experience and let it teach you both what love is worth.
Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.
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25 comments
add your comment »this woman's answer to your wife's betrayal to you is all hog wash. She had an affair with not just someone else, but with a trusted frien.they both knew it was wrong when they went into this relationship. they are both wrong. also, she ad this affair for a reason. it didn't just happen. these things never just happen.
they start because there is a problem within the relationship, and instead of talking about it, they decide to do the wrong thing and have this affair.
To me, this is unforgivable under any circumstances.It destroys your trust in both persons.I don't care how often they tell you it just happened,it didn't mean a thing ,it wasn't planned,i'm so sorry,it won't happen again. its all bull. its all part of the lie that went into betraying you in the first place.it shows such disrespect for your feelings to do such a thing .never, ever would such a thing happen in my life and the person expecting forgiveness . no , its unforgivable .she didn't have the courage to talk o you about the problems in this relationship,but had the courage(or cowardice) to go behind your back and have this affair.time to move on to someone who respects you and the marriage enough to never betray you.
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One of our other contributors could answer this best. She says we are put here for lessons to learn. What is the lesson? Could it be that you do not put your whole being into another human? Put it in God? Put it into good works? Are there contractual agreements made before entering this realm? Maybe.
Practicing detachment, enlightening yourself and learning to accept your path all help.
How does one know if you were supposed to be with that person? Do any of us really know any of us?
I think to call somebody a name like town slag or anything of the sort is not helping. We are all spirits in the material world, souls made be a supreme being and all living and learning. Wisdom, maturity and hope, these are the beacons, not low thinking, or stinking thinking. Perhaps you were better than the person who ran. Maybe your purpose in life is so blindingly good that you do not yet see it. Is this a gift perhaps? Look in another direction. Feel the good. Go back to YOUR core. See what you are about besides other people. Inner work, going deep makes you a worthy entity instead of a shallow being. I think you are not even scratching the surface of your essence and your goodness and your contribution to this world. 100 years ago, life expectancy was 47. Obviously, you see where I'm going with this. Carry on. Do not dwell on the other people. Dwell on your contribution, higher thinking, and be the better person you know you can be. Yesterday's gone.Don't look back.
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how can you fill the hole in your heart ,after you have been betrayed by the one person you trusted .33 years of marriage,which saw us through good times,bad times ,ill health on his part .i minded him like he was a new baby ,with love and support.he made a wonderful recovery.2 wonderful sons,.cancer claimed my mother and sister within 2 years,these were my best friends as well.then i found a lump and the week before my test ,i woke to find a note on the table and he was gone ,without one word to me or his son's.he left with a woman ,who was the town slag from her earliest years and i dont say that out of spite .the hurt and and the betrayal has destroyed me ,as a woman and as a wife..i go through the motions of living ,for my boys sake and because i thank god for the gift of life,but i have a hole where my heart was
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Maybe they're thinking about letting priests marry, sort of hoping they'll leave the children alone cause they had to pay out so much money already.
I used to do work for bikers and party with them. One time a biker started putting the make on my wife and other bikers came and told me about it. I could've cared less cause not only with her body, she was going to do whatever she wanted anyways. Whatever I thought or had to say about anything pertaining to our relationship was that way so I stayed out of guilt for the mistake I made. The betrayal was at the beginning of our relationship and my wife was definitely not the problem. Sex isn't love but in my opinion I've felt it's given to get loved which I didn't understand. So I believe I bought into deceit and deception which I compared to buying something from a salesperson who was after only profiting themselves with a sale. If we get took with purchasing a material object our trust has been betrayed and it more easily understood yet when it's with a romantic relationship it's not understood. Whether it be an object or person trust takes time to earn from one another. That's where I blundered in marriage so betrayal was at the very start and I was numb to it from that point on.
The one benefit to that betrayal is that I sure am more respectful of my own life now and if there isn't a chance of trust of another person in any form of relationship, I know enough to stay uninvolved.
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I hate to beat a dead horse but Walter, why would you want to ride a horse when you could swim on your own in a perfectly good stream?
Does my pretzel logic seem as foreign to you as yours does to me? The marriage myth is just that. ;) ps interesting story about the church now allowing priests to marry. Why is that? Because to think a person can relate to a ghost and function normally is difficult at best.
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Walter? Nah....I don't think so. Do you know what? I think that sometimes people need a life. A life of their own. Dreams of their own. Happiness of their own. The partner who receives more benefit/services gets spoiled. They can't let go. Sometimes people assume that they "know best." I think each individual needs happiness, fulfillment, joy and love. Real love, if that exists anymore.
I notice some people who come from alcoholic backgrounds and divorce tend to keep their eyes shut. They also shut out most of their emotions. The biggest thing they shut out is the REALIZATION that their PARTNERS have emotions and deny them, for them. I hope I made that clear. Let me rephrase that. I think that an ACOA or an Alcoholic themselves, relates to a partner in an abnormal way thereby denying their partner has need for truly "wholly functioning emotionally valid" feelings. They tend to control another persons life because the pain they would have to endure by going it alone would be unbearable because it has more shame related value. I think a person may relate to another (what this article calls betrayal) who is more emotionally and mentally available because their psyche is in need of completion. Of course if they got this from their partner, they would not have to relate (stupid word, betray) to another. Love runs out of relationships. People grow. Some do not. Is somebody doing a favor by what you said? :)? Please take this in a mature way, this is no attack.
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Hi,
This article touches my inner soul. It aggravates my injuries. Anyway thanks for sharing it.
chinesische medizin
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I agree that betrayal takes many forms as some people alluded to. It is a complex emotional and psychological response not unlike the cycle of grief that happens with death. Indeed, usually with significant betrayals something does die, a way of thinking and seeing in the world. Another one of those expereinces that is so common as to be universal but strikes so deep that it feels totally individual.
Thanks as always for the intelligent and passionate discussion.
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You can't change the past. You can only evaluate your life with anyone as it not only was before you knew, but how it will be in the future. Chances are that even if you now find that you must keep an eye on the person, or even exert preventive controls, it may be better to keep your knowledge secret, and proceed without altering your lives together in any major way. When you "change horses in the middle of a stream," you may come up with a lame one. The affair is over, just monitor for signs of another one in the future.
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in A RELATIONSHIP:
WHERE THERE IS EXPRESSION OF COMMITMENT;
TO "BETRAY" THE PERSON,
IS TO SHOW A DEVALUE OF THAT RELATIONSHIP
AND OFTEN SAY MANY PEOPLE
EVER TO DISCUSS "this" WITH ME
WAS PLANNED OUT ALL ALONG...
IN OTHER WORDS
AT THE VERY LEAST
THAT "BETRAYOR" KNEW...
"he" WAS HOLDING A HAND TO DEAL
TO CHEAT
TO LIE
TO USE THE OTHER PERSON INVOLVED
INCLUDING FINANCIALLY, AND IN OTHER WAYS...
AS WELL AS TO ABUSE THE OTHER PERSON
INTENTIONALLY
FOR THE LIE
WAS FOREKNOWN IN THE WORDS UTTERED.
ALSO
NO ONE "HAPPENS UPON AN AFFAIR"!!!
===----===
MANY HAVE SAID "ONCE MARRIED"
AND OR
"ONCE COMMITTED"
THE "guy" WAS SOMEONE ELSE!!!
FEELING OF BEING VICTIMIZED RINGS OUT... !
WHEN GOING TO "date"...
SHOULD WE BE FRIENDS FOR SOME TIME FIRST???
ANYONE WANTING TO "jump your body"...
IS NOT LIKELY SOMEONE TO TRULY HAVE CHARACTER.
PASSION IS STRONG
IN THE SENTIMENT OF PATIENCE
YES, IN THE OCEAN OF CELIBACY
WHILE DEVELOPING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.
A FOUNDATION.
AND IT IS NOT TOO LIKELY...
THE TRAGIC LOVE STORY OF THE CHEATER
WILL THAN EMERGE...
NOR THE ABUSER TRAGIC TALE...
FOR THOSE TYPE...
HAVE SO LITTLE PATIENCE WITH PROVING GROUND.
THEY "FEEL" VERY ENTITLED!
TO CHEAT ON "YOU"!
TO ABUSE "YOU"!
===----===
LOVE IS A GIFT THAT YOU BEST GIVE TO YOURSELF.
IF NOT...
HOW WILL YOU RECOGNIZE LOVE IN ANOTHER?
HAVE A GOOD DAY.
Love must be as much a light,
as it is a flame.
~Henry David Thoreau
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