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Wendy Strgar

Ask the Loveologist: Rediscovering Your Sexuality

posted by Wendy Strgar Jun 23, 2009 3:04 pm
filed under: Blogs, Ask the Loveologist, Love & Relationships, Relationships & Sexuality, , , , , ,
Ask the Loveologist: Rediscovering Your Sexuality
11 comments

By Wendy Strgar

Q: I am an older woman who has had a lot of health problems, in addition to the typical menopause issues.  I am a breast cancer survivor and have had ovarian cysts and have struggled with depression.  My husband also has his own issues–he takes blood pressure meds and has Erectile Dysfunction.  I have struggled with low libido issues even though I used to love having sex. My husband has even less interest in sex than I do.  But I WANT to want sex, and I miss feeling turned-on.  Do you have any advice on how my husband and I can move from a state of fear and open our relationship up to sexuality again? A: The health issues in your relationship have a very real impact on your well being and ability to move towards physical intimacy. Respect them but don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Physical intimacy is a wide field with a big sky if you are willing to explore it with the same openness and curiosity that you bring to anything you really want to know about.

It is great that you have a desire to want to experience a sexual re-awakening. You should invest in those feelings and re-discover the sexy parts of yourself. Exercise and getting your body moving in ways that make you feel strong and stable provokes sexiness. Lingerie is made for all kinds of body types and finding some that reminds you of your sexy self is a great way to set the mood inside.

Having the tools to explore your physical body together would also be helpful–a reasonable starter set would have a healthy lubricant, real scents of love/massage oils and maybe a couple of massager/vibrators that you can share. Begin with a physical conversation and start slow. The point is to find a safe and regular time to enjoy hands-on therapy. Just touching someone with a consciousness to connect can transform relationships.

Respect each others discomfort and limits as you move forward, but don’t give up the regularly scheduled time to do this exploration. It will be sure to open up conversations that neither of you expected and may on its journey bring you to some great orgasmic intimacy. Let that be the icing on the cake–just touching is enough for many couples to feel re-connected.

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20. 

More on Ask the Loveologist (21 articles available)
More from Wendy Strgar (67 articles available)

11 comments

11 comments

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11 comments add your comment
Debbie Angelo

Menopause was not kind to me either. I have always loved sex and the libido just disappeared (as well as all of those other nasty physical things that happen - hot flashes, night sweats, etc). The answer for me was a combination of bio-identical hormones and a more active lifestyle. A better balance between work, play, spiritual, and emotional life - an improved diet and getting back into the gym. I feel WONDERFUL at 56 and have an active and satisfying sex life. I am pretty pleased with my life in general. Good luck ladies

Missy ba

lovely, thanks a lot x

Soe Kyi
  • Soe Kyi says
  • Jun 25, 2009 12:27 PM

Only for those with moderation can help people do sex in success.Because both physical & balanced mind can lead to a successful Orgasm, isn't it? And also coupled with the true emotion & passionate intimacy.

Susan Stebbins

Oh how I can sympathize! At 56, postal menopausal, with fibromyalgia and depression, I have ZERO sex drive! NONE, and I feel so guilty all the time. My hubby is 10 years younger, so he still is ready to go most anytime at all. I hate even the thought of sex, although I love him dearly, and can't even think of anything that would make me want to be sexual again.

Carol H.

I just want to tell the ladies out there are having those horrible hot and cold flashes that really helped me and continues helping me. The name of the product or Dietary Supplement that I use is Femtrol Enzymatic Womens Health plus you can get it at any health store from Shacklee Products
OsteoMatrix it keeps me completely cool.

g g.
  • g g. says
  • Jun 24, 2009 9:48 AM

Here is a must---> redhot book "Cupids Poison Arrow" it is very engaging for more reasons than one....Bravo!!
Dr Marnia Robinson's expertise shine in the pages the practices she speaks of are life long love extenders and allow the reader to see the sexual experience in new light with practical and enriching ways to overcome stereotypical behaviors.

this book will be help many...those purchasing it right onto the nytimes best sellers list ..will be smiling for more than one reason.. Sex is a matter of mind and body in balance --and this book re-educates us on the mating game, long held phallacies on phallic involvement, and how we can have fuller human relationships and lives.

Cupid is full of interesting facts about our neurochemical reactions to sexual experience. The force that brings lovers together (passion) can also unfortunately push them apart, rapidly urging them toward habituation and novel sex partners. No wonder great spiritual teachers have recommended careful management of sexual desire for millennia.
Cupid includes a lot of recent findings, and has been endorsed by two psychiatrists and a UCLA biologist and textbook author. It will be released on June 23, 2009. I can send you a PDF of the text, if you would care to have a look. Meanwhile,link to this for furthe information
http://www.pitchengine.com/cupidspoisonedarrow/why-does-the-honeymoon-endand-what-can-we-do/14381/


Ron K.
  • Ron K. says
  • Jun 24, 2009 8:50 AM

Do a little research/exploration into Tantric sex. Tantric sex teaches you how to get in touch with yourself and with your partner and removes the stigma of always have to reach an orgasm for fulfillment.

Brenda Elliott

Ghouse, I empathize with you. But as far as satisfying your partner, perhaps you can explore other ways to satisy. Get a good book on some suggestions. There are lots of books out there you just need to find the right one then see if you AND your partner are okay with trying some of those.

Good luck with that and don't give up.

Brenda Elliott

No body REALLY knows how difficult this is at an older age. We humans have really never had this opportunity before to discuss, engage in, and have "helps" with sexual pleasure in our 60s, 70s and who knows what age.

There are helps but so far I don't know of any "magic bullet" or combination. And every human's experience of sexual encounters is different. We all have different physical and emotional challenges to deal with.

One thing none of us who are facing these challenges want to hear or accept is that perhaps intimacy may need to be explored in other ways than sex. Some would argue that. More power to them if they can manage more.

We are doing the hormones and have tried a lot of stuff but it just isn't EVER going to be like it was before. Can some of us accept that? Well, when you have exhausted all possibilities, what's left?

Some women have bladder problems or a cystocele and rectocele problem that can only be "corrected" by surgery that may not even work and if it does may still not take care of the core issues regarding sexual functioning and pleasure. It other words would only take care of one part of the problem.

A lot of older people are now dealing with herpes. That invites a whole other set of issues because using condoms when there is E.D. ads to the problem.

Seriousness aside for the moment, maybe that is yet another reason why we older people are overweight. We try to find a substitute in food and/or drink. ;)

Annice E.

Don't ignore physical shortcomings. The lack of libido and vaginal dryness will improve far more by taking bio-identical hormones than by buying lingerie or candles!

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