Ask the Loveologist: Sharing the Big O
My boyfriend and I just became sexually active, we were both virgins so we didn’t really know what to expect. He climaxed in about two minutes, we thought that was normal and that next time it would be longer and more enjoyable for me, but that hasn’t happened. Besides that, I haven’t had an orgasm† at all from penetration, only from external stimulation, and he feels inadequate about that. How can I reach an orgasm during sex and what can we do to make him last longer?
Thanks for sharing your questions.† Almost all new lovers, and many more experienced ones all share these fundamental issues of getting lovemaking to work for both partners.† To begin with, there is a shared belief, that people are born with the skills to make love and share pleasure.†† While we are hardwired for intimate attraction and reproduction, the intimate communication and† body awareness that come together to create shared orgasmic experience is a learned skill that improves with practice.
The issue of† achieving orgasm and early ejaculation have more in common than meets the eye. They are both immature responses to sexual stimuli.†† Many young men are easily brought to the edge of their ability to control their responses in the early months of exploring sexuality. There are several good practices that help men learn to both identify and elongate the space between arousal and orgasm.
The majority of women do not orgasm during intercourse the way that men do. Your question mentioned manual stimulation that helped you achieve orgasm.† Close to one third of all women cannot achieve orgasm at all. Just like for your partner, the more you practice, not just trying to achieve orgasm, but learning more about your signs of arousal and the many paths you have to orgasm. This is the work that will lead you to discovering the access points to orgasm during sex.
Losing your virginity together is a profoundly bonding experience, that can also create a lot of pressure and expectations that might not be totally realistic for new lovers.† One of the most romantic things you two could do for each other is to seek out and share sexual education resources that will help you to teach each other how to discover and share your physical pleasure.† A few of my favorite books that you might want to pick up include:† Because it Feels Good by Debby Herbenick,† Ian Kernerís† She Comes First and He Comes Next or† I Love Female Orgasm.
Building a long-lasting relationship and capacity for sexual health starts with lowering your expectations about performance and sexual outcomes, while increasing your curiosity and openness about sexual techniques and communications. This is as sure a path I know to finding the answers to the questions you have now and the many more that you will discover within the mystery of sexual pleasure.