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Ask the Loveologist: Sharing the Big O

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Ask the Loveologist: Sharing the Big O

My boyfriend and I just became sexually active, we were both virgins so we didn’t really know what to expect. He climaxed in about two minutes, we thought that was normal and that next time it would be longer and more enjoyable for me, but that hasn’t happened. Besides that, I haven’t had an orgasm  at all from penetration, only from external stimulation, and he feels inadequate about that. How can I reach an orgasm during sex and what can we do to make him last longer?

Thanks for sharing your questions.  Almost all new lovers, and many more experienced ones all share these fundamental issues of getting lovemaking to work for both partners.  To begin with, there is a shared belief, that people are born with the skills to make love and share pleasure.   While we are hardwired for intimate attraction and reproduction, the intimate communication and  body awareness that come together to create shared orgasmic experience is a learned skill that improves with practice.

The issue of  achieving orgasm and early ejaculation have more in common than meets the eye. They are both immature responses to sexual stimuli.   Many young men are easily brought to the edge of their ability to control their responses in the early months of exploring sexuality. There are several good practices that help men learn to both identify and elongate the space between arousal and orgasm.

The majority of women do not orgasm during intercourse the way that men do. Your question mentioned manual stimulation that helped you achieve orgasm.  Close to one third of all women cannot achieve orgasm at all. Just like for your partner, the more you practice, not just trying to achieve orgasm, but learning more about your signs of arousal and the many paths you have to orgasm. This is the work that will lead you to discovering the access points to orgasm during sex.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


+ add your own
12:28AM PDT on Apr 4, 2013

learn not to be attached to the outcome and life will be better for you especially relationships

9:52AM PST on Dec 22, 2012

thanks for sharing

3:49PM PDT on Oct 21, 2011

Noted. Thank you.

5:38AM PDT on Mar 22, 2011

Thanks for the info.

11:55AM PDT on Jul 18, 2010

Great article

11:52AM PDT on Jul 18, 2010

Great article

2:02AM PDT on Jul 13, 2010


4:31AM PDT on Jul 8, 2010

Great article! Thanks Wendy!!

4:10AM PDT on Jul 8, 2010

Ugh!!! disgusting

1:14AM PDT on Jun 30, 2010

My sugestion to the writer is that she and her lover should be open with each other. They should both explore, Try to know their likes and what turns them on. It's still early yet. They can still learn. Only by experimenting.

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