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Ask the Loveologist: Where Did My Libido Go?

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Ask the Loveologist: Where Did My Libido Go?

I have been married for just over eight years. When I was first with my husband I used to want him just by looking at him. Now, I can hardly muster the energy to think of making love with him. Maybe I just don’t want to have him see me naked because of the weight that I haven’t lost after our child was born. But it’s more than that, too. I just don’t feel that sexual spark when we are together. I don’t want to lose him, what can I do?

Libido is the sexual marker for wellness. The question of libido is a complicated one, yet often is framed in a simple black and white of “do you have any libido?” Our drive to be sexual is impacted by a complex interaction between our physical health, mental health, emotional connection and our own individual tendency/preferences about our sexuality.

The range of physical health problems that impact libido comprise a long list. Chronic illness and diseases like high-blood pressure, arthritis, and diabetes, to name just a few, often contribute to low libido. Also, a wide range of prescription drugs, including anti-depressants, blood pressure drugs and even antihistimines can take a toll on your sex drive. Yet more often than serious illness, many people as they age do not maintain the eating, exercise and sleep habits that keep us well. Over 55 percent of women are overweight to some degree in this country.

Our hormones are the cocktail that drives our passion in life. Normal life events like pregnancy, nursing and peri-menopausal to menopausal shifts can make big impacts on the libido mechanism. Although low libido is common to most women (over 40 percent) at some point in their lives, ongoing and persistent lack of sex drive may well respond to hormonal treatments. Hormones are an interesting and vital part of what it takes for both sexual and overall wellness. Hormones are worthy of you and your doctor’s attention.

For many women, the libido function is deeply tied to their psychological and emotional life. The brain is the sexiest organ in the body; the arousal function starts there, so if you are plagued with emotional issues like low self-esteem, poor body image, depression, anxiety or even constant stress, it is not surprising that you can’t find your libido. These issues are just as legitimate as any biological ones and, for many women, more tenacious.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


+ add your own
2:26PM PST on Jan 24, 2013

I agree with Lin, I feel that women tend to be more concerned with feeling a connection with their partner. If it would be 100% up to me, me and my boyfriend would spend more time cuddling and would have sex when the mood was absolutely perfect for it while my boyfriend tends to create the mood and doesn't mind if it's not perfect. I feel that this sums up most male and female relationships.

2:03AM PST on Feb 10, 2012

I agree Megan S! Many women including myself, have an overactive libido, and it is the men that are lacking in the want. I suppose some of that has to do with the lowering of testosterone as they age. It's not always the women who say they have the headache!

7:19PM PDT on Sep 5, 2011

Sex is totally overrated in contemporary society, you have to fit the norm or else... talking about distractions and small minds...

9:36PM PDT on Aug 4, 2011

thanks for posting

5:57PM PDT on Aug 4, 2011

For one thing, a man also has to look after himself just as he is demanding it from his woman!

2:03AM PDT on Jul 30, 2011

thank you for the article wendy.... relaxation,good diet and yoga is very important for a healthy life for oneself,partner and the family. ...most of all a positive attitude with an open mind.

3:53AM PDT on Jul 29, 2011

Chances are that you're exhausted by working, taking care of your child and worring about this.But, just in case your thyroid isn't working DO have a GOOD checkup. Then ask your husband out on a date, buy a dress---you remember dresses-- and a pretty nightie, get your hair done.At dinner drink 1/2 a glass of wine.Talk. Do the '"date night " once a week,Pretty soon BOTH of you will remember what you use to want to do. Then DO IT!

8:57PM PDT on Jul 28, 2011

To get your libido back just use Love Potion Number 10, or the Kadir-Buxton Method, both of which can be seen at:

7:24PM PDT on Jul 28, 2011

something we usually don't know...arousal is related with the parasympathetic area of our brain and orgasm related with the sympathetic area. If we are stressed, running with our lifes we tend to be on the sympathetic mode all the time, so we don't allow the parasympathetic fase to happens... In other words, we don't take time to relax, to stop running, to stop the visual polution every day and night from tv, radios, computers, that is why its important to slow down abit, meditate, listen calm musics, do some exercise, yoga, tai chi... it should put you on the parasympathetic mode and will improve the libido.

6:52PM PDT on Jul 28, 2011

I added a comment previously that didn't get listed in comments, about lust and male obsession with sex to extreme areas, ex., children & other species of animals. While females in relationships often desire mental communications as well as the sexual/physical pleasures. Perhaps this comment will get through Care2 or whomever is policing.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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