http://www.care2.com/greenliving/authentic-manhood.html
Authentic Manhood
EnlightenNext presents an in-depth look at the twenty-first-century man. What is authentic masculinity today? How has the move toward gender equality changed society’s rules—and roles—for men? Curious to see where the next generation’s men’s movement may be headed, EnlightenNext asked Trip Lanier and Jayson Gaddis what new and emerging male ideals and archetypes await us.
Tripp Lanier is a music producer, integral life coach, and host of the weekly podcast “The New Man.” Jayson Gaddis is a Gestalt therapist who directs a wilderness “rite-of-passage” program for young adults in Boulder, Colorado.
WHAT IS ENLIGHTENMENT: In your online radio dialogues, both of you have tried to address issues facing men in the twenty-first century. You have suggested that the new ideal for men should be something that goes beyond both the “macho jerk” and the “New Age wimp.” So what would that look like?
Tripp Lanier: That’s really the inquiry of our program. There isn’t a preset position. For me, it’s a guy who is being himself. That sounds overly simple, but I actually feel it in my body when I’m around certain men if they’re closed down, if they’re not in touch with their passion, their desire, or their purpose. So it’s someone who’s willing to be who they are, warts and all. It’s someone who isn’t shrinking from who they are.
Jayson Gaddis: I agree with that, but I would also include the idea that “I don’t know who I am,” because if that’s an authentic statement in the moment, then that guy is trustworthy. I’m already curious about that guy versus another guy who might say, “I got my shit together, and I do all this great stuff. I’m the man.” That sounds more like an ego trip. When we’re being ourselves, we’re not out to prove anything. We want to make our mark, but there’s no desperation involved. There’s an ease and simplicity.
WIE: What are the obstacles to authentic manhood in postmodern culture?
Lanier: One obstacle is what I call the Rambo mentality: It’s me against the world. As men, we tend to isolate ourselves. The idea of learning how to ask for support is huge. So there’s this core belief that “I’m alone. Whatever problem or whatever challenge I’m facing, it’s mine and it’s only mine.” That’s a fallacy, and it stems from an association of vulnerability with weakness. I’m weak if I reach out and ask for support. I see that over and over again, and it really limits what’s possible for men in this day and age.
Gaddis: I think for me, the biggest obstacle is the “should.” I should be this or I should be that. We betray ourselves to fit into what other men are doing—whether it’s the professional athlete with a bunch of tattoos on his arm or the guy on Wall Street. We have so few authentic male models that we can look at.
WIE: In one of your podcasts, Jayson, you said that we as a culture are failing young men. What did you mean by that?
Gaddis: I meant that in traditional cultures—and I don’t want to romanticize traditional cultures—but often in traditional cultures, the elders of the society were initiating the young men. They were challenging them, helping them to go through some kind of ordeal, which is a necessary passage when you hit a certain threshold in life. You need to go through an ordeal and get to the other side. We are not doing that with our young men.
Now I’m in my thirties, but I’m working with college-age men and teenage boys. I’m doing my best to deliver a meaningful experience, to help them go through some kind of ordeal, to come out on the other side and feel more themselves, more in touch with their purpose in life or their confusion about life.
But I do think the elders of our culture are dropping the ball. We could be doing a lot more. And there are plenty of examples that we can draw wisdom from.
WIE: Do you think it has to do partially with our culture’s emphasis on individualism? We’re so focused on self-development and personal achievement, it seems, that we may be lacking the larger cultural structures that could provide that kind of initiation.
Gaddis: Yes, I agree with that. I think we are a highly individualized society, so that’s what gets rewarded. If I put in a seventy-hour workweek, I get a lot of conventional praise for it. But then on the weekend, I might let off steam in an unconscious way. I might be a mess inside; I might be miserable, have dark thoughts or whatever. So where is my community? Where are my people? Where are my fellow men to hold me accountable, call me out, challenge me, love me, confront me?
WIE: Both of you have spoken about the “go it alone” tendency in men, the Rambo mentality, as you put it, Tripp. There’s a real destructive, negative side to that. But it seems that it is also just part of the masculine character. I was wondering if that kind of autonomy could also play a constructive role in the next stage of manhood?
Gaddis: I think there’s a huge positive side to it, and let’s call it what it is. It’s the warrior archetype. I think of a true archetypal warrior who is embodied, conscious, and integrated in community. He is on purpose, kicking ass in life, and having fun. A warrior takes full responsibility for his life. No one’s going to do it for him. No one’s going to carry him along. He’s not a victim. I think conscious warriorship is about taking full responsibility—stepping into your own life in a completely embodied way.
Lanier: Yes, for me it’s not an either-or; it feels like a both-and. No one can do it for you. You have to take responsibility. But at the same time you can still be part of a group of people who check in and hold one another accountable or provide support. You may also be out there doing your own thing, but there’s still an energetic connection to the group.
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10 comments
add your comment »That I do agree with 100%.
When it comes to sexual mutilations, the women always want it "to be done for traditional reasons"... But the men keep silent. There is no "authenticity" in mutilating kids, at whatever age, sexually.
No religion, no cultural habbit, no social excuse : Cutting off a bit of a human body is incredibly stupid and brutal.
I would like France to realise, that even Muslims and Jews should evolve on this matters... I know Americans work on this, but it is still a long way to go before children can remain safe of these barbaric attacks on their sexual identity.
Sophie
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I don't know about anything else, but one thing I do know. No real man will allow anyone to mutilate the genitals of any of his children, boy or girl.
Rood
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In my own journey into manhood I've been in service where I hated the discipline yet as I write this I fully understand the necessity of it. I do believe a female moves a male into manhood more than we humans realize. The problem I have with this is society does not deal with this issue in a constructive manner by teaching youth their gender roles, picking who to mate with, relating or communication in relationships and etc. Society places more importance on sex instead of understanding responsibilities and accountability that goes with sex so I see this as failing each other, especially when it comes to manhood.
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I think to some degree we allow the media to construct images of what a person should or shouldn't be. Quite often this is condtradicting and confusing and affects people to think they need to be an ultra thin woman or a muscular man whose at one with his feminine side yet masculine. However, I do think society has headed towards an I'm alright jack, x-box generation where the neighbours are strangers. Family (not immediate) & community are being put on the back shelf for careers and technology. It seems to me from what little I have encountered in third world countries they have little to nothing materialistically but are generally far happier than us.
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Sorry if I sounded offended here : i am French, and sometimes I guesse the langage barrier plays tricks on me.
;-)
I do agree with you.
All I wanted to stress there is that only men, comprising young male children, know better than women what authetic manhood is about.
I was really not discussing how to say no to a child (I can do that for both girls and boys, lol)... But rather I meant that, perhaps, even when a Dad is not so sure what authentic manhood is about, and a Mom admits she cannot guess what this could be... Then, honesty does the trick and kids start, apparently, to create their own natural version of their own authentic manhood.
I am very proud of my kids, who keep being so innovative and fresh, and still, who respect the strange difficulties we go through, we adults.
At least, we did our best not to impose old useless models on them, even if limits their duties and rights were quite clearly told to them.
And, they created their version of "being a man", in which I feel good as a mother and a woman.
They really live equality between men and women. They feel happy to be men, as my daughter feels happy to be a woman (she is thirteen).
But we, the parents, taught them not to feel ashamed of their true feelings, as they are the best part of a deep, interesting, and caring communication between humans
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Perhaps true manhood is just as much as true feminity : The always renewed recepie of the salsa sauce, the best one : The one you prefer because you are eating it with pleasure ?
;-)
But certainly it deals with having a good enough image of yourself, so that you do not need too much of stereotypes to "fill in the blanks".
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I don't meant this to be offensive but instead of happy I sure do believe being responsible and accountable are more important. Teaching your boys how to reason in making decisions is another thing I sure had to learn being a male. I had daughters who enlightened me or I should write cut me no slack with my role in manhood.
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Hello Gentlemen,
;-) As a woman I have little to say about "how it is or should be to be a happy man"...
But as a mother of three, comprising two boys, I have to say that I do believe older men could share an "ordeal" with their younger relatives in the family (even in a concept of enlarged family where the friends play a big part).
My sons seem to have acknowledged at seven and eleven years old, that being a man is not about being alone and strong : The warrior qualities they seem to enjoy, but they also love to play dolls, that is, as they say: "play dad".
The thing is, my husband feels it is hard to explain what being a man really is about. I keep answering that at least, I am pretty sure it is not something I can describe nor understand...
I feel this describres our times : Men being in their 40s and being dads, wonder what they really have to transmit to their sons. But what I see, is that the boys seem to figure out by themselves, that it is something natural, and renewed with every human "that happens to be a male".
I do trust kids to create their own rituals for growing up "manly", happily, and stresslessly.
This to say, the women, and especially the mother's attitude is essential : We, women know nothing of manhood. And it is a good thing, because every gender holds its own precious mysteries...We should often tell our boys. An omnipotent all-knowing, angry against men mother can hurt a lot more than a postmodern father that is not too sure of himself, hones
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My age and different experience I've been through find my mind in conflict about this subject. In my own life I had to ask myself just what is my role as a male as I fit in with other human beings of both genders. I reasoned that life is like dancing and my role was leading the dance in a way that those I dance with can feel secure enough with my leading so they can enjoy the dance. Life to me offers constant dance lessons which either make or break me in how I lead that dance.
I'm more hung up on how our overall society has lost sight of the basics like self-esteem, self-love and self-confidence. To me I strongly feel there's been a total neglect on the importance of family, where being role models for children to grow into adulthood of both genders, isn't there anymore. Our 'me' only attitude overrode the 'we' part of obsolete traditions. But I consider that's where manhood got lost in the direction human life is going.
I know my own frustrations about the manhood issue come from growing up with a father who knew the importance of his role when it came to discipline and making me responsible for my life. Dealing with other's that didn't have that in their lives is miserable and makes the isolation mentioned in the article seem like heaven more then hell.
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I find this quite interesting. However, the digital version of EnlightenNext is unreadable. The font size is far too small.
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