http://www.care2.com/greenliving/bad-parents-buy-buy-buy-how-parenting-advice-just-makes-you-feel-like-a-big-loser.html
How Parenting Advice Just Makes You Feel Like a Big Loser
Something happened to parenting in the last few decades. Maybe it was Dr. Spock with his watershed Baby and Child Care book released in 1946? Or possibly the hardbound avalanche of parenting advice books (type in “parenting advice” on an Amazon.com search and you will get 87,608 experts eager to show you how to be a better parent) that followed in the years to come? Either way, what used to be an exceedingly difficult undertaking (parenting), but one that was entrusted to virtually everyone by design, has since become a Sisyphean struggle up a hill of high-minded, and sometimes contradictory, advice.
I have clear memories of my mother, diligently struggling as a single mom, dutifully ripping through pages of some long forgotten parenting manual and outlining particularly relevant passages with her red, green, and blue nurse’s pen. My sister and I would take note of the noticeable shift in her approach with us and general manner after she consulted a particular chapter, and we would keenly discern the key phrases and mantras that leapt from page to our mother’s careful recitation (”I hear you” and “Mommy’s sometimes make mistakes too”). I couldn’t help but feeling that my mother’s allegiance to these advice tomes was sadly not making her a better parent (a more dedicated one maybe, but not better) but a parent who was nurturing a growing dependence on being told how to parent.
In an article on Salon.com by the writer Karen Houppert, Houppert takes a critical look at the marketplace devoted to parenting advice, and how the proliferation of experts, and expert advice, move us further away from the goal of being truly present and “good” parents. Houppert laments, “The experts lure us with “10 easy steps to better parenting” and we’re hooked on the promise that bad patterns can be broken with a smattering of tricks, a smidge of willpower and a few strategically placed buzzwords: Just be “proactive,” the experts reassure us (’Buy my book now’).” In many of these publications, particularly the kind that reassure us they have all of the answers and could rectify our parenting missteps through a simple system of steps, and processes, and charts, and miscellany, we are moved to feel temporarily empowered, but ultimately flawed. If we are to pledge ourselves to these floating ideologies, we become slaves to the system, and lose any sense of innate confidence or inherent understanding of our own children and our own personal, emotional history to discover how it impacts our parenting choices.
Is the parenting advice industry just a cynical industry that prays upon the confused, confounded, and desperate parent? Are there good, if not excellent, books and authors out there who get routinely lost in the shuffle? Should we listen to our own intuition first and foremost when it comes to parenting? Is there something exceptionally valuable to be learned from our own parents or siblings on the art of parenting? Have you had an experience where a parenting tome, class, or seminar actually made you a better parent?
Please share your thoughts.
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18 comments
add your comment »I don’t know If I said it already but …Excellent site, keep up the good work. I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks.
christmas presents
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Build good memories, not good toyboxes
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PLEASE READ THIS NEW PARENTS!
E - Eat after they sleep (not BEFORE sleep)
A - Activity
S - Sleep
Y - Your time while they sleep
This will put your baby on a schedule like you wouldn't believe!
The Baby Whisperer was the BEST!!! I only needed those few steps, and me doing and elaborating on the things my parents did, and common sense!
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I now have friends who have grandchildren that they are afraid to say anything to because the parents "won't like it" and grandchildren who look at them defiantly and say, "I don't have to do what you tell me!" as well as one 6 yr old who was known to kick her mother in the shins and run up the stairs cause her mom was very pregnant and couldn't get up the stairs fast enough to catch her. I have great respect for anyone has the courage to become a parent of a small human - you live in fear of a neighbor or store clerk calling the cops on you if you spank your child or discipline them in a public. You deal with a lot of things our parents didn't (drugs, peer pressure, school and teacher issues, etc.) It's not easy, yet you figure a way. My hat if off to all of you courage and your patience. YOU are the true heroes in the world today. Blessed Be
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I once said to my mom that I was grateful to not have had children this lifetime as I would have ended up in jail - as I would have raised them as we were raised. LOL Her response was to say we were not abused! I totally agreed with her - but pointed out to her the rules have changed since the 50's and 60's. Whether because of Dr. Spock, or the Flower Children generation of the 60's, people lost sight of being the "leader" and started wanting to "be friends" with their children. Luckily my sister and I had plenty of friends our own age, and did not need our parents to be our friends - but to be our parents...creating boundaries, rules, and a safe learning experience for us. I now have horses and dogs (Queensland Heelers = bullheaded, courageous, NO FEAR dogs for working cattle) and people comment on how well trained they are (usually when I say "DOWN AND PUT A SOCK IN IT" when people come and they are barking LOL)and how I managed to do that. I usually respond with: "Simple - I'm the alpha bitch in the house, and the lead mare in the corral - and everybody knows it!" I truly believe there's no excuse for "obnoxious animals or children." However, we now live in a society where fetuses the size of a lima bean "have rights!" and disciplining a child in public can get you arrested (with us it was just a LOOK from our dad and we froze...HAHA!) We weren't beaten - but we were taught obedience and respect...something I don't see much of anymore in people's children or their animals
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to whomever it was who wrote that good children reflects on the good parenting is wrong. Very wrong, i know loser parents who have incredible responsible children who contribute to society and to their own families. I know loser children who's parent was a saint and was physically and emotionally damaged by their ungrateful child. We can only do the best we can. Listen to your divine guidance and set good examples, hope for the best because they are individuals who minds of their own and will do what they want.
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'The most priceless thing you can give a child is your time.'
Well said Jan.
I used to spend loads of hours with my kids, but not give them my time.
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I was blessed with a good mom. When I had my babies she was there for me, and she made sure she gave me 'mommy lessons'. As a result my kids grew in to intelligent adult who are self sufficient.
The measure of a parent is how well the kids turn out. They point out what you're made of. Amazing how many bad habits I stopped because I wanted to be a good example for them.
If you aren't fortunate enough to have a mom like mine, go to the library, take your kids. Often there are activities for them while mom looks at the parenting books available. This way there isn't an out of pocket expense and you can find what' s suitable for you unique circumstance.
My biggest hint is spend as much time with the kids as possible. The most priceless thing you can give a child is your time.
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I think that if you as a parent are that eager to learn about how to be a better parent, then that makes you a good parent already. I think that the key to being a good parent is having patience, and just giving your children as much love, and care as you can. And sometimes let them fall a few times, but also help them from time to time to get them selves up so they could know you are there supporting them. Getting obssesed with the books can be bad, but reading them from time to time is not a bad idea either.
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I chuckled at myself when I noticed I was eagerly jotting down all the names of the books mentioned below! We so desire to set our children up well, and have perhaps been brainwashed into believing more than anything else, that we as parents are totally responsible for the "outcomes" that ARE our children. Consequentely guilt, shame, self-abnigation, anxiety---these are all a common landscape. But let's face it....we are a blob of a culture responding to every stimulus out there, and there are zillions. We weren't taught by our ancestors how to parent (how far have I come just in nursing my two children for seven years--combined, mind you!--relative to my own mother who was convinced to raise her four children on Karo syrup and canned milk?), so these books try to fill some vast gaping tradition we experienced little of. And, of course, we're a giant headless monster of rampant capitalism.....that helps sell books too.
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