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Can Sexual Desire Be Reclaimed in a ‘Good Enough’ Marriage?

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Don’t Live Within Your Partners Limitations!
From Pamela Madsen, Integrative Life Coach For Women:

“I have found that a tremendous libido killer is trying to live within my partners sexual limitations. It is really okay to refuse to live within your partner’s limitations! Long term relationships often lose their sexual spark, fail, or go into sexual boredom when when we agree to live in the box of each other’s sexual limitations, shame, and fear. Work with keeping your own unique balance of desire for relationship with your desire for sense of individuality and self-direction. Agree to a willingness to experiment with opening each other’s limitations and moving past them. It will create the possibility for healthier living and just might spark a renewed sexiness in your relationship. Neither you nor your partner gets to stay small and in a box while the other just accepts it. Sexual desire needs growth in order to thrive.”

It’s Time To Demand a New Kind of Love From Each Other
From Will (Yes, one name – think Cher or Madonna) an extra-ordinary sexuality and intimacy coach as well as a certified Sexological Bodyworker at Naming Desire and an expert in the Shameless Community:

“Living as powerful and creatively expressed people is a revolutionary act. How can I balance my growth and need to explore while continuing to create and expand intimacy? What’s revolutionary about this is that it demands a new kind of love from people, and asks them to engage with themselves and the world intentionally and with curiosity instead of shutting down.

I have found the work of Dr. David Schnarch inspiring. In his book Passionate Marriage, Dr. Schnarch reveals how a passionate sex life requires each person to face the anxiety of defining himself/herself while getting closer to their partner; a process he calls “differentiation.” Basically, it takes self aware, passionate people to create intimacy.

I agree that it is rare, because nobody shows us how to do it! I didn’t have a teacher, minister, scout leader etc. who could model that for me. Consequently I fell into the socially programmed co-dependent model of relationship that my parents learned.

Should we put up with our partner’s limitations? I guess that depends on what we want and how much it will cost us. We always have a choice; I can stay or I can go. Personally I choose not to tolerate my partner’s limitations, while simultaneously having compassion and curiosity and belief in their potential to grow and change.”

Meeting in The Middle Doesn’t Work!
From Mark Semple, CCC a dedicated and passionate Intimacy/Love Coach at Successful Together. Mark is also the host “Her Unfolding Journey.”

“Finding a compromise in situations is always a preferred approach. As Steven Covey says in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, you must go for a win-win. Anything else is a loss.

Specifically, if one party is losing, it cannot have a positive outcome – no matter how noble it may seem.

To “meet in the middle” is to find solutions that are mutually-beneficial to you and your beloved.

As your life journey unfolds, you are undoubtedly learning, growing and changing. When you are in the world of the entrepreneur, the changes can be happening rapidly. The more you learn about spirituality, success, empowerment, etc., the more you desire.

As your awareness of the greatness that is within you expands, you are excited to see what else can unfold for you.”

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Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is an Integrative Life Coach Specializing In Women's Issues: Sexuality, Fertility, Body Image, Wellness and Rejuvenation. Pamela is also author of the best selling memoir Shameless (Rodale, Jan 2011), and founder of The American Fertility Association.Her websites and her daily blog,, are a breakfast essential for reporters, writers and policymakers.


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1:10AM PST on Nov 9, 2014

Thank you!

12:26PM PST on Feb 9, 2012

Lovely photo- we all know marriages are for the hetrosexual.

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4:51PM PST on Feb 6, 2012

Work on the relationship and focus on meeting each other's needs. after 15 years, our spark has come back lately...

12:36PM PST on Feb 6, 2012

Sex can be a passionate, sacred act enhanced through the proper use of the sacramental herb, marijuana. Biran Sefar notes this in "Her Sacred Blessing, Cannabis."

4:29PM PST on Feb 4, 2012


12:23PM PST on Feb 4, 2012

Good point, marriage isn't supposed to be about sexual fire, just missionary position sex, for reproduction purposes only. The Christian Taliban of America decrees that one woman and one man shall have a lifetime sentence and it's not SUPPOSED to be enjoyable! That would be a SIN! Marriage is a PUNISHMENT for sins of the FLESH! Where did anybody get the idea it was supposed to be "satisfying"? Ask Newt Gingrich's ex wives what women are supposed to get out of marriage, he's a member of the Catholic regime (front for the mob). The woman in this article is lucky she hasn't been dumped yet. She needs to shut up and be subservient. AND she's lucky her husband hasn't whored around and brought home a bunch of stds YET. "Is it possible to have a rich, long lasting, sexy relationship"? The answer is: no, not if you're Catholic.

2:42AM PST on Feb 4, 2012

Very interesting....advocates for finding heightened sexuality. I like!

12:49AM PST on Feb 4, 2012


11:52PM PST on Feb 3, 2012

Good article:) Thank you!

8:35PM PST on Feb 3, 2012

First of just what the hell does 'good enough' mean good enough to stick it out, good enough not to justify diviorce. Marriage as the Christian Taliban of America is always telling us is vow before God till death do you part, except for all the exceptions and must be limited to one man and one woman only. Sex outside of the marriage with or without the consent of all involved is still adultery. And I do believe that adultery is still a prosecutable crime in some states as is any sexual act other than the missionary position and that does include all formes of oral sex. So do check your state and local laws. And face it marriage is still nothing more than property contract, historically passing ownership of the woman from the father to the husband designed to ensure that only his offspring ingerit his estate.

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