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Can Sexual Desire Be Reclaimed in a ‘Good Enough’ Marriage?

“If your significant other is not sharing the journey of enlightenment with you, they may be either staying where they are, or evolving on a different path than you.

At some point, you may realize that you are in different spaces and that there seems to be quite a gap between you.

The most obvious solution to bridge this gap is to meet in the middle. Which, essentially means that you must shift away from who you truly are, and they must do the same. Thus, you are now coming together as people you are not.

How long will that space be fulfilling?

Although I prefer not to use the term “level” in a relationship (it implies superiority), you may be in a higher space than your significant other. Meeting in the middle may then mean that you have to come down a few clicks – which you would be able to do.

They, however, would have to come up from the space they are in, into a world they have no experience in. How realistic would it be to expect them to be able to do that? In order for you to communicate effectively, you would have to meet them where they are at and communicate in a manner they can comprehend. If your journeys continue to evolve in different directions and the gap between your respective spaces increases, it may be increasingly less fulfilling for you to do that. Obviously, your relationship is nothing to do with your vocation or your business.

To ensure you maintain a healthy, empowering, mutually-fulfilling relationship you both must ensure that it is maintained as a priority.

You are both distinct, individual human beings and, you both have a specific purpose to fulfill in this lifetime. The more you keep your relationship and your shared journey as a focal point, the more opportunities you will see to evolve together.

As always, prevention is better than cure. Being aware of the potential to grow differently can open you both to options to grow into your greatness, while maintaining your loving space.

If you have realized that you and your partner have grown apart, then something obviously needs to shift.

You are not going to give up being who you are just to appease them. And, you won’t expect them to make a quantum leap to attain the same space you hold.

Now you are aware that meeting in the middle may not be realistic, you are now free to seek the options that will support you both in the life journey you desire.”

There are no easy answers to making your “Good Enough” marriage a place of continued hot desire. It is really challenging work, and can take a lot of guts. It is all about taking yourself and your partner to a new level – and that can feel frightening. All I can tell you is that while there is no Santa Claus, a hot sex life deep into our lives is possible – it just takes courage to live past our comfortable boxes and the television set.

To learn more about Pamela’s first book where she shares her personal journey through sexual desire and monogamy please check out  Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner (Rodale, January 2011).

Read more: Life, Love, Recharge Your Life, Relationships, Sex, Sexual Health, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is an Integrative Life Coach Specializing In Women's Issues: Sexuality, Fertility, Body Image, Wellness and Rejuvenation. Pamela is also author of the best selling memoir Shameless (Rodale, Jan 2011), and founder of The American Fertility Association.Her websites and her daily blog,, are a breakfast essential for reporters, writers and policymakers.


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1:10AM PST on Nov 9, 2014

Thank you!

12:26PM PST on Feb 9, 2012

Lovely photo- we all know marriages are for the hetrosexual.

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4:51PM PST on Feb 6, 2012

Work on the relationship and focus on meeting each other's needs. after 15 years, our spark has come back lately...

12:36PM PST on Feb 6, 2012

Sex can be a passionate, sacred act enhanced through the proper use of the sacramental herb, marijuana. Biran Sefar notes this in "Her Sacred Blessing, Cannabis."

4:29PM PST on Feb 4, 2012


12:23PM PST on Feb 4, 2012

Good point, marriage isn't supposed to be about sexual fire, just missionary position sex, for reproduction purposes only. The Christian Taliban of America decrees that one woman and one man shall have a lifetime sentence and it's not SUPPOSED to be enjoyable! That would be a SIN! Marriage is a PUNISHMENT for sins of the FLESH! Where did anybody get the idea it was supposed to be "satisfying"? Ask Newt Gingrich's ex wives what women are supposed to get out of marriage, he's a member of the Catholic regime (front for the mob). The woman in this article is lucky she hasn't been dumped yet. She needs to shut up and be subservient. AND she's lucky her husband hasn't whored around and brought home a bunch of stds YET. "Is it possible to have a rich, long lasting, sexy relationship"? The answer is: no, not if you're Catholic.

2:42AM PST on Feb 4, 2012

Very interesting....advocates for finding heightened sexuality. I like!

12:49AM PST on Feb 4, 2012


11:52PM PST on Feb 3, 2012

Good article:) Thank you!

8:35PM PST on Feb 3, 2012

First of just what the hell does 'good enough' mean good enough to stick it out, good enough not to justify diviorce. Marriage as the Christian Taliban of America is always telling us is vow before God till death do you part, except for all the exceptions and must be limited to one man and one woman only. Sex outside of the marriage with or without the consent of all involved is still adultery. And I do believe that adultery is still a prosecutable crime in some states as is any sexual act other than the missionary position and that does include all formes of oral sex. So do check your state and local laws. And face it marriage is still nothing more than property contract, historically passing ownership of the woman from the father to the husband designed to ensure that only his offspring ingerit his estate.

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