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Are All Moms Perfect?

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In order to view our parent with compassion we need to:

Remember that we carry our early learning throughout life even when we “think” we’ve gotten past events and teachings from our childhood. We are the sum total of our life experience, so nothing is completely forgotten.

Most of our mothers were a mixture of nearly all human emotions. They were human beings who were raised by human beings, meaning that they had some flaws.

Look at your grandparents or whoever raised your mother. Think of them as your mother’s parents. That should give you one clue to why your mother is how she is.

Ask your mother to tell you stories of her childhood. If she paints a rosy picture but her actions raising you tell a different story, try to understand that she may still, perhaps subconsciously, be running from her past.

If her stories tell of emotional, verbal and/or physical abuse, ask how she learned to cope with the after effects of this abuse.

Does your mother have mental issues? Many people in the AgingCare.com community write about mothers with very difficult personalities having nothing to do with age or dementia. Many of these issues are caused by mental disorders. I’m not suggesting that anyone take abuse from a person who has personality issues caused by a mental disorder, but understanding your mother’s illness may help your relationship survive.

Most readers are caregivers of their aging parents, at least to some extent. Understanding your mother’s past will help you better understand the role you are able to play in caring for your aging mother.

Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting. We learn from mistakes – ours and those of other people.

Realize that your mother’s issues were not caused by you – even if she says they were. You were a child. Perhaps an “easy” child. Perhaps a “difficult” child. But you were a child. You could not cause your parent to be a bad parent.

Caring for Parents Who Didn’t Care for You
10 Secrets That Aging Parents Keep
Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

Celebrating the Human Side of Motherhood originally appeared on AgingCare.com.

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73 comments

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8:22AM PDT on Jul 31, 2012

Since no humans can achieve perfection there is obviously no such thing as the perfect mother or father, husband, wife, child, individual. It often depends on how one regards their own mother when it comes to thinking of Mother's Day. Am sad when hearing that some people who have been sexually abused or otherwise mistreated by one or both parents as mentioned by several people commenting here.

Some of us are lucky and have wonderful mothers and others have mixed reviews or just plain horrific mothers depending on the individuals involved. We all remember and honour (or not in the more horrific cases) or appreciate our moms. Mine passed away back in 1984 from cancer and I like to burn a candle in her memory on certain days.

1:11PM PDT on May 22, 2012

My mother was not perfect, no, but she did do the best she could, rather like this article mentioned. There are certainly points in the comments about mothers who do not do the best they can... but I don't think that is a normal situation. Those mothers are clearly not in their right minds. Not to pardon their actions, but even they are deserving of compassion.

9:30PM PDT on May 20, 2012

No! My mother stood by and allowed my bother to do to me what he wanted. She is jealous of me and has always done things to make me fall and really hurt. I have not seen her in 7 years. My father was dead 10 months until I found out by googling his name and found his obituary. I wish I could say one positive thing about her but mother is not not of them. I am sure there are mothers who are wonderful but, to me that is just a dream.

8:07AM PDT on May 18, 2012

No one is perfect,just do the best you can.

2:43PM PDT on May 15, 2012

Perfectionism is a flaw that tends to encourage other flaws. Don't strive to be perfect. Strive to do the best that you can.

1:29PM PDT on May 14, 2012

No one is perfect.

1:23PM PDT on May 14, 2012

My mother may not be perfect, but she is ok by me. She turned 90 this year and I will be happy to have her for another 90 years.

12:12PM PDT on May 14, 2012

All people, mothers or not, are doing the best they can, WITH THE TOOLS THEY'VE GOT, at any given moment.

7:02AM PDT on May 14, 2012

Hi, Greetings from Miss success,(successjohnson23@yahoo.com) How are you doing today and health over there?. My name is success,am a single girl,never marry.I went across your profile on (www.care2.com).I found intrest on you,i wish to know you more.if you can contact me direct with your email to my email address.(successjohnson23@yahoo.com)i promised to give you my pictures here from my email address.write me on this email id.(successjohnson23@yahoo.com)

4:27AM PDT on May 12, 2012

my mother is not perfect, but I'm not a perfect daughter...

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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