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Choosing the Relationship We Have

Choosing the Relationship We Have

“We shall not cease from exploring, and the end of our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” –T.S. Eliot

I am becoming reacquainted with the power of goal setting lately. I used to teach how the power of our written intentions can change your life, and for many years kept regular lists of what I was working to create. Even a to-do list carries some of the power of mapping your life through goals. The act of naming and writing down our goals creates structural tension that seeks resolution and motivates us to live differently, moving us closer to what we intend, often without our bearing witness. Claiming a life direction has boldness and magic in it and many studies demonstrate the success factor that results from envisioning, describing and choosing our personal life directions.

This same process energizes relationships with equal intensity. Two people who have a shared language of intention and vision for their days together are literally on the same map. Once the two people agree on their life direction, when one strays s/he can be pulled back by the other. Their shared goals not only add legitimacy to their commitment, but acts like the rudder, righting the ship that they both identify as a shared journey.

Yet the same blocks that prevent individuals from goal setting are perhaps even more of an obstacle for many couples. In order to really be free to envision and plan your life, you first have to be able to take full responsibility for it. Taking responsibility for everything that happens to you individually and in your relationship is weighty, but it also gives you the freedom to choose. I know from my own experience that it can be harder than I imagined, giving up the justifying and rationalizing that arises when things don’t go right. Our propensity to blame the circumstances or other people for our life struggles is so deeply ingrained that it can seem intractable.

Nowhere are these behaviors more damaging to our future than in our relationships. Taking full responsibility for the quality of your relationship is an insurmountable challenge for many. In fact the very suggestion that they are responsible for the issues that their partner seems to bring can seem like a lie. People often get angry at the very idea that the relationship they are in is the perfect one to show them the work of love they most need to tackle. Even writing this makes me a little nervous because I have had many a conversation where I suggested that which was met by skepticism and indignation. I have visited these places of total resistance in myself, often while dealing with the mess that my relationships with my teenagers sometimes resemble. It was true in my marriage for years.

Taking full responsibility and giving up our tendency to blame in our relationships is the basic foundation for achieving your goals because it requires you to be constantly doing your own personal work. Recognizing that your emotional connection and capacity is only of your creation requires that you are always acting from the heart. Carl Jung once wrote, ‘Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart…Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.’

Coming to this awakened place beyond blame brings us to the beginning of our relationships over and over again and carries the potential to lead us into the future.


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Read more: Ask the Loveologist, Blogs, Love, Making Love Sustainable, Relationships, Sex, , ,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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12:41AM PST on Feb 26, 2014

Thanks for sharing.

3:43AM PDT on Mar 21, 2013

Thank you :)

6:41AM PST on Mar 5, 2011

The title is perfect. Often times one can get caught up with what they do not have, or are searching fore. Maybe just reflecting, communicating, and accepting could satisfy that search and leave you feeling fulfilled with what you've had all along.

9:50PM PST on Mar 1, 2011

Written with great insight into human nature ... thanks

1:35PM PST on Feb 28, 2011

I am a planner. I set lists & schedules for everything from daily tasks to activities & tasks I need to work on for my future goals. I have been told I can be too rigid about it (which is not so; I will curve something if another fun project comes along & won't detour too much from my overall plans), but I stick to my guns regardless. I am always the "responsible" one. I guess all it takes is a little discipline & a lot of dedication to keeping on track! It's not hard at all once you get the hang of it! : D

12:30PM PST on Feb 28, 2011

I choose men badly. After many relationships, some fun, some great, some bad, I learned that my choices were just so bad for me. Now, I have chosen not to choose. I am free at last to concentrate on pursuits that please me. I am not young anymore and recognize what I did all those years of my youth. Would I give the memories up, no way; I smile with satisfaction. I realize I never wanted to actually keep any of the men and now that I am fulfilling my creative dreams, I am happy and content at last.

12:20PM PST on Feb 28, 2011

Good stuff. Thank you.

10:32AM PST on Feb 28, 2011


8:22AM PST on Feb 28, 2011

THank You.

7:29AM PST on Feb 28, 2011

Very well said, a good reminder:)

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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