Clean Break

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” -Helen Keller

When we end our relationships badly, we get stuck in a continuous rebound relationship cycle. Tragically, the most common and destructive bad endings that plague millions of relationships is when we use infidelity as an exit strategy. Some sex therapists would argue that most affairs, especially when they occur in succession, are nothing more than the continuous cycle of ineffective rebounding that takes over one’s relationship history. Certainly repeat marriage statistics bear this out. As dismal as our 50 percent fail rate is on first marriage, success rates for second marriage drops to 25 percent and the third relationships only have a success rate of 10 percent. Failure rates in successive relationships out of marriage are no better. When we don’t authentically and definitively end our relationships, we carry what remains unresolved into everything that follows.

Ending relationships is a hard and painful business for both partners. Things happen and sometimes, as life and feelings change, our ability and willingness to maintain our commitments also changes. However, these painful transitions can become lasting injuries on our long-term capacity for relationships when we are unwilling to take responsibility for these endings. When we don’t have the courage to communicate fully with our partner about what is not working for us, or when we refuse to show up authentically when we want out, infidelity opportunities arise. “It just happened” is what many people say about their affairs, yet clearly the opportunity of attraction grew in the fertile ground of leaving the intimacy of your previous relationship without really leaving it.

Another extremely popular and highly damaging bad ending is the digital dumping of relationships, which turns a painful conclusion into a bitter and unfinished burden. Ending real intimacy that you shared with someone with a brief email or worse still, a two line text message, is the perfect breeding ground for growing distrust of others and a continuous rumination over what is wrong with you. This kind of ending leaves people unable to connect deeply with others for years, caught in trying to piece together what happened without sufficient information. It isn’t just the person who is dumped who suffers from this kind of break up either. Not having the guts to look someone you cared for in the eye when you walk away creates an open wound in your life. It does not improve your chances for intimacy with another partner when you can’t honor who you are leaving.

Many relationship endings remain incomplete and become increasingly toxic because people refuse to make a clean break. Instead of moving on, the shifting of what was an exclusive intimate relationship into friends-with-benefits arrangement generally only serves to cheapen the original connection and leaves people feeling used. Many people go on for months or even years of being caught in a relationship that makes them feel bad about themselves and hateful about their partner.

The most tragic residue of all of these dishonorable endings is that it leaves both partners broken and unable to celebrate the growth and intimacy that they shared. When relationship history is plagued with only bitter memories, there are no grounds for moving forward. Truly our present moment grows from the integrity of our past, and nowhere more so than within our hearts. End the rebound cycle by living fully through the endings; this is where a new beginning takes shape.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Eternal G.

7:58PM PST on Feb 23, 2012

Closure?

send a green star

Jessi A.

4:23PM PST on Feb 20, 2012

I feel broken, but he isn't. He stopped "loving me" 2 months or so before our 1 year relationship ended. I want to believe love exists, but it hurts too much. I don't know if I believe in it anymore. I know I will heal, but I dont think I can love.

KS G.

4:46AM PST on Feb 14, 2012

Thanks for the article.

Cyrille D.

1:33PM PST on Feb 12, 2012

I think many people use the affair-strategy to get out of a relationship they fail at ending. Personnally, I believe it is a very awful thing to do, very coward and unrespectful. But, the strength required to put an end to certain relationships is so difficult to find within ourselves when we are in such a desperate place that I can see how people take this option as a solution to free themselves for good. I'd never do that. I'd rather hit rock-bottom really hard in a relationship than betray my partner as a way out. Relationship endings are difficult. Some more than others. Consulting a Psychologist and relying on personal faith is the two only options I can think of. Good luck to you all.

Andrea A.

2:31AM PST on Feb 12, 2012

Thanks.

Sandy E.

2:37PM PST on Feb 11, 2012

Interesting.

LMj S.

12:37AM PST on Feb 10, 2012

thank you for sharing.

Emil P.

9:06AM PST on Feb 9, 2012

Noted.Thanks for sharing

MarilynBusy F.

6:29AM PST on Feb 8, 2012

Jane...what about the partner in a 2 yr contract who doesn't WANT to let go of the other person?
It would not solve anything and there would still be heartbreak and pain.

People just have to learn to let go, or realize that they're dysfunctional and only happy when they're miserable. There's no other reason to hold on to the pain.
Some people use it as an excuse not to make an effort to be happy...or as a crutch when they don't know how to seek happiness. Some people thrive on sympathy and would wilt if they displayed happiness and no one gave them a 'fix' of sympathy.

Let's face it, happiness comes from within...it's a product of your basic outlook and perception and self-perception.
No one else is to blame for anyone's unhappiness.
We choose the way we observe and feel (perceive) about the life that is swirling around us and through us.

Some people can celebrate the new possibilities of every new day, while others will only mourn the loss of yesterday...every day.

Jane B.

5:20PM PST on Feb 7, 2012

This article is bizarre. I've never heard of infidelity being used as an exit strategy. I think that's off point. I read that 98% of men cheat. If that's true then apparently men are incapable of sexual fidelity. This should be dealt with in a realistic social manner. As it is men get married and make promises they can't possibly keep. Thus heart break is inevitable because somebody has been LIED to. Perhaps marriage should be abolished and replaced with a two year contract with option to renew. That way people wouldn't make promises that are humanly impossible to keep. I'm so sick of reading articles telling women to "just get over it" after they've been screwed over. I don't have a problem with WHAT people do,
it's the LYING about it that I hate. A short term marriage agreement would solve this problem,
I think. The thing I have against Newt Gingrich is his arrogance to actually run on "family values". So lying and cheating and whoring around while married is family values? What kind of family values does he have, CATHOLIC? He's Catholic, isn't he? In addition I have nothing against whoring around, unless you're MARRIED and promised not to. This whole issue is about INTEGRITY and HONOR. And that means telling the truth at all times.