Control is no Solution for the Problem of Fear

Control is based on a mistake, and that mistake is rooted in separation. To be able to relinquish control the mistake has to be corrected. Learning that the world is safe doesn’t happen overnight.

The world as a whole is far too overwhelming, given all the fear and distrust each of us has inherited. But the love you have for one person is a safe zone and thus a good place to begin. The beloved is like a harbor in which your heart takes refuge.

In an indifferent and hostile universe, there is at least one person who understands, sympathizes, and provides for you. Somehow, miraculously, this one person is enough to cancel out the hostile world.

Every day brings many opportunities to replace controlling with allowing. If you can extend allowing to your beloved, the effect is to release you from attachment – both of you are spiritually served by the same act.

The key stances in letting go of control are all forms of allowing: acceptance, tolerance, nonresistance. Needing to control life, either yours or anyone else’s, is based on spiritual desperation.

Look at your interaction with your beloved and honestly confront any fear-based behavior you are exhibiting. When control is ready to loosen its grip, a definite relaxation takes place. The façade of the demanding, critical partner who is so quick to blame begins to melt. You start to feel love once more, not as an idea but as a sensation in your heart. And at last you find it possible to allow.

When this stage is reached with the beloved, the healing process begins to branch out into other aspects of your life.

Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).

66 comments

Alyssa Riley
Alyssa Riley4 years ago

I used to be so in control of my life that control was taking over me. Everything something did'nt go according to the plan I would feel like it was'nt meant to happen.

Kevin Cline
Past Member 4 years ago

You ain't a kidd'n!

Teresa Wlosowicz
Teresa W.4 years ago

We live in society, not on a desert island!

Dee D.
Dolores D.4 years ago

that's a deep post - thanks for sharing.

Susan Roth
Susan Roth6 years ago

The problem with great advice such as this, is that is never gets read by the people who need it!!

Loesje v.
Loesje Najoan6 years ago

Interesting post.

Judith Crofts
Judith C.6 years ago

If we didn't have to fear, we would have no need to control. I can see how fear and control go together.

Dianne D.
Dianne D.6 years ago

I've been letting go of control, and my life is so much easier and happier. I also don't have to take responsibility when things go wrong. Thanks for posting.

Eco Warriors

thank you, interesting and helpful

Julie A.
Alex D.6 years ago

deadra - you don't say what the nature of the separation was, but in general separation for a young child is very destabilising indeed and can definitely lead to a desire to control the environment to make sure it doesn't happen again.