Iíve been thinking about having another baby for four years now. Because I was the ripe old age of 36 when my daughter Siena was born, we started talking about it right away. In fact, my husband and I were so certain we were meant to have at least one more baby that I took my IUD out when Siena was eight months old and we were all ready to go at it again.
Then my stay-home Daddy husband cut two fingers off his left hand with a table saw and all hell broke loose. So we tabled the idea for at least a year, because Matt had pins in his hand from 8 hours of surgery and couldnít even change a diaper. Then he had to get two more surgeries. Then we were switching health insurance plans, so I couldnít get pregnant. It was literally one thing after another.
But Iíve finally come to a certain peace about the fact that I donít think I will be having another child (sniff, dab). Now, Iím almost 41 and it just seems like the time has passed, and Iím okay with that. But thereís this little pang when I think about it. Itís almost enough to make me rethink my decision to put my IUD back inÖbut not quite. Recently, I was talking to a friend and I realized that Iíve been gestating and giving birth for over four years now- and Iím a little tired. In the past four years, I’ve been busy giving birth to ME.
How it all came to pass
It all started January 6, 2006, when Siena was born. By the spring of that year, the idea that I might leave my job as a full-time OB/GYN was planted, and by later that year, I had taken a Pleap (Pink leap of faith) by quitting my job. I spent most of 2007 gestating what a truly whole health medical practice could look like and dreaming about being of service in a whole new way. That same year, I wrote a memoir. In 2008, I joined an integrative health practice and nurtured the little seed in me until it blossomed. In 2008, I grew Owning Pink in my belly and gave birth to it in April 2009. In December 2009, I gave birth to two more books. Now, Iím about to do it all again by starting the Owning Pink Center in April 2010. And then, Iíll write my next book.
What wants to come through?
Which leaves me with little time or energy for allowing a baby spirit to grow into a human being inside my womb. With this realization comes more than a wee bit of angst. Am I being selfish for denying my daughter the opportunity to have a sibling? Have I become a work-aholic with no balance in life? Am I expending my creative energy wisely or might I be better off slowing down and growing my family?