Iíve been thinking about having another baby for four years now. Because I was the ripe old age of 36 when my daughter Siena was born, we started talking about it right away. In fact, my husband and I were so certain we were meant to have at least one more baby that I took my IUD out when Siena was eight months old and we were all ready to go at it again.
Then my stay-home Daddy husband cut two fingers off his left hand with a table saw and all hell broke loose. So we tabled the idea for at least a year, because Matt had pins in his hand from 8 hours of surgery and couldnít even change a diaper. Then he had to get two more surgeries. Then we were switching health insurance plans, so I couldnít get pregnant. It was literally one thing after another.
But Iíve finally come to a certain peace about the fact that I donít think I will be having another child (sniff, dab). Now, Iím almost 41 and it just seems like the time has passed, and Iím okay with that. But thereís this little pang when I think about it. Itís almost enough to make me rethink my decision to put my IUD back inÖbut not quite. Recently, I was talking to a friend and I realized that Iíve been gestating and giving birth for over four years now- and Iím a little tired. In the past four years, I’ve been busy giving birth to ME.
How it all came to pass
It all started January 6, 2006, when Siena was born. By the spring of that year, the idea that I might leave my job as a full-time OB/GYN was planted, and by later that year, I had taken a Pleap (Pink leap of faith) by quitting my job. I spent most of 2007 gestating what a truly whole health medical practice could look like and dreaming about being of service in a whole new way. That same year, I wrote a memoir. In 2008, I joined an integrative health practice and nurtured the little seed in me until it blossomed. In 2008, I grew Owning Pink in my belly and gave birth to it in April 2009. In December 2009, I gave birth to two more books. Now, Iím about to do it all again by starting the Owning Pink Center in April 2010. And then, Iíll write my next book.
What wants to come through?
Which leaves me with little time or energy for allowing a baby spirit to grow into a human being inside my womb. With this realization comes more than a wee bit of angst. Am I being selfish for denying my daughter the opportunity to have a sibling? Have I become a work-aholic with no balance in life? Am I expending my creative energy wisely or might I be better off slowing down and growing my family?
To be honest, I just donít know. All I know is that the urge to create businesses and books seems to be stronger for me than the urge to procreate. And since I already feel torn between my commitment to serving my patients and Owning Pink and my commitment to motherhood, my inclination is to protect myself from feeling torn even further. Why create more conflict for myself?
Some might judge this as un-feminine. They might think Iím a bad mama or that my priorities are not straight. And theyíre welcome to their opinion. But me? Iíve just gotta OWN it. It is what it is. Thatís how I feel, that God is using me as a vessel to give birth to other creations, that every book, every blog post, every workshop, every patient encounter is a co-creation between the two of us, that I am becoming a mother over and over again, every time I tap into the divine spark and create something new.
And yet it doesnít look how others expect it to look. Iím not feeding new blonde beings into the Mill Valley preschool system. Iím not buying new pink clothes for a sister for Siena. Iím not sitting in the stirrups pushing a baby out into this world. But damn, it sure feels like I am. I feel like I mother at least a dozen new creations right now. Which leaves me feeling like I donít need to get pregnant again to serve my lifeís purpose.
Believe me- others feel differently. My mother would love to have another grandchild. Sienaís preschool teacher would love to meet a baby brother. Even some psychic a friend hired to read me said I had two more baby spirits waiting to get born. But I have to be okay with that. I have to live with the uncertainty, the possible regret, the fact that my family doesnít look exactly the way I imagined it when I was a little girl dreaming of white picket fences.
It all comes down to creation
Creation can get confusing, canít it? There are days when I canít tell how my creative forces are best expended. Should I dance with the Divine and co-create a new message to share with the world? Should I co-create a new series of art? Should I co-create new writings? Should I co-create another baby? It gets muddy, Iíll admit. I get confused as hell. We all just do the best we can and pray that what we create is done from a place of the highest intentions and the noblest part of our souls. Then we surrender to living in the muck.
What about you? Do you ever confuse your creative energy? Can you tell what youíre supposed to create next? Do you think giving birth to babies in any way resembles giving birth to businesses, art, writing, or other creative projects? Am I totally off my rocker here?
Letís talk about this. I honestly think itís such rich, juicy stuff. Giving birth is so inherently what we as females are all about that it nearly defines us. Yet, canít we expand our concept of what it means to bring life into the world? How many creations have you squelched to give birth to babies? How many babies have you neglected to have because you were busy in business? Are you so busy serving your community, your family, or your job that youíve forgotten to give birth to YOU?