http://www.care2.com/greenliving/ditching-your-parents-when-the-relationship-with-your-parents-is-irreparably-broken.html
Ditching Your Parents: When the Relationship With Your Parents is Broken
Virtually everyone I know has had a gripe (or two) about his or her respective parents. Some dread the parental visit; others screen frequent phone calls, and many set up elaborate boundaries to keep their parents as a definitively minimal influence in their lives. That said, most all of my friends and acquaintances still maintain relationships with their parents (providing they are still of the living), however strained, awkward and/or painful. But for a small unfortunate minority, the relationship they hold with their parents is nothing short of hurtful and destructive, and they are frequently moved to sever ties in order to preserve a shred of dignity and self-esteem.
In an ideal world, familial relationships travel through their various difficult stages and machinations, ultimately finding a resulting place of peace, understanding and resolution. We would all like to think that virtually all familial relationships, especially parental, are worth fighting for, but what if they are not? What if your parents are so enormously injurious, caustic, and toxic that the idea of having even a modicum of contact would be masochistic at best? For many, this is a choice they have to wrestle with, sometimes over the course of many painful years. And even once the choice is made, the pain and guilt still persist.
Dr. Richard A Friedman, a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College, offered up some opinions, some personal experience and a bit of advice on the vexing subject of when to exit a relationship with a troubled or abusive parent in an illuminating New York Times article. In speaking from the therapeutic perspective, Friedman contends, “All too often, I think, therapists have a bias to salvage relationships, even those that might be harmful to a patient. Instead, it is crucial to be open-minded and to consider whether maintaining the relationship is really healthy and desirable.” While Friedman falls short of encouraging beleaguered adults to sever ties with difficult parents (this is obviously something best evaluated on a case by case basis) he does contend that these familial relationships are rarely all good or bad; even the most abusive parents can sometimes be loving, which is why severing a bond should be a tough, and rare, decision.
Obviously this is a difficult subject, and an even more difficult decision, not to be taken lightly. I remain curious about this topic, and whether anyone in reader-land has had to wrestle with such a difficult choice? Is the idea of breaking with a parent unthinkable? Should we, as adult children, tough it out regardless? Are toxic relationships to be avoided, no matter who is dishing out the abuse? Where does family allegiance end and self preservation begin?
Eric Steinman is a freelance writer based in Rhinebeck, N.Y. He regularly writes about food, music, art, architecture and culture and is a regular contributor to Bon Appétit among other publications.
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115 comments
add your comment »Hi Julie, It took me six years to get over my "empty nest syndrome." I'm used to it now but I miss the wonderful days with my children.
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Julie......I miss my kids so very much. One has been gone five years & the other four years. I was not prepared for it at all......The missing, the loneliness.
Both live out of state & I'd love for at one the younger one to move back at least in this state if not in town.
I've not adjusted to it still........I'm sure I never will.
Knock on wood-Plant trees for life.........
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Great comment Shrub. I agree. My kids give me so much, I owe them big time. They owe me nothing (although when they leave home and don't call or write, it might be hard to kick the habit of having them around ;-) ).
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Shrub.......Great comment:
I feel my kids owe me nothing. I willingly had them and took on an obligation to bring them to adulthood, period. I found a lot of joy and self-satisfaction in that process. That was my payment. If they ever felt that I am behaving in a toxic way toward them, such that their quality of life is impaired then they SHOULD avoid me like the plague, and vice-versa.
Knock on wood-Plant trees for life.........
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(continued from below)
I feel my kids owe me nothing. I willingly had them and took on an obligation to bring them to adulthood, period. I found a lot of joy and self-satisfaction in that process. That was my payment. If they ever felt that I am behaving in a toxic way toward them, such that their quality of life is impaired then they SHOULD avoid me like the plague, and vice-versa.
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The author raises two questions. First: Are toxic relationships to be avoided, no matter who is dishing out the abuse?
Why not? The key word here is toxic. I can think of no reason to stay in a toxic relationship, other than for money. And that is what they make lawyers for.
As they say you can choose your friends but not your relatives. But you CAN choose whether they are worth being friends with. As in any relationship it takes both parties to want to make it work. If I feel that the other party is not at least trying to invest in the relationship…as Ahhnold says “hasta la vista baby. “ Life is too short to have people in your life that waste your time and energy with negativity. My attitude is that if someone does not add quality to my life, then we should, and must, part ways.
Second: Where does family allegiance end and self preservation begin? Well I guess if allegiance means self preservation then we would have some serious decision making, but I can only think of one reason for this, and that would be monetary. And again, that is what they make lawyers for. I am sure that some people stay because of the will. Who am I to judge, but I would not prostitute my quality of life for money. Maybe if millions were involved I would think differently, but I doubt it.
(continued above)
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Sometimes the only way to be proud of your actions it to distance yourself as far as possible. My brother keeps telling me to "suck it up and Make nice" for the sake of everyone involved. Truly I have tried, over and over, all it does is restart the cycle. And in trying, I become HER, the one person in the world who behaves so abhorent that I am ashamed to be her daughter. For me the only way to be proud of who I am is to stay away frm her. For those in the middle of it, with emotions running high, the best advise I received ever was the only person I have control over is me so in the middle of chaos, be very controled in me. when you cannot control a vioelent situation or an abusive situation or a harassing entity, you can control YOU. For me this has created a physically healthy environemtn to assit me in healing from the mentally and psychologically unhealthy one. And a good laywer never hurts. Mine game me peace of mind even without legal actions against her (yet and hopefully never)
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That's wonderful, Sabrina. We can't live our lives in reaction to other people. But it's hard to come to that realization. I'm so glad you have and I hope you can maintain that determination. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be proud of your own actions? Because that's really the most important thing, how we feel about ourselves.
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Sabrina,
My heart sings for you. May your God remain with you on your way.
Julie
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Ditto. Freedom!
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