Ditching Your Parents: When the Relationship With Your Parents is Irreparably Broken

Virtually everyone I know has had a gripe (or two) about his or her respective parents. Some dread the parental visit; others screen frequent phone calls, and many set up elaborate boundaries to keep their parents as a definitively minimal influence in their lives. That said, most all of my friends and acquaintances still maintain relationships with their parents (providing they are still of the living), however strained, awkward and/or painful. But for a small unfortunate minority, the relationship they hold with their parents is nothing short of hurtful and destructive, and they are frequently moved to sever ties in order to preserve a shred of dignity and self-esteem.

In an ideal world, familial relationships travel through their various difficult stages and machinations, ultimately finding a resulting place of peace, understanding and resolution. We would all like to think that virtually all familial relationships, especially parental, are worth fighting for, but what if they are not? What if your parents are so enormously injurious, caustic, and toxic that the idea of having even a modicum of contact would be masochistic at best? For many, this is a choice they have to wrestle with, sometimes over the course of many painful years. And even once the choice is made, the pain and guilt still persist.

Dr. Richard A Friedman, a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College, offered up some opinions, some personal experience and a bit of advice on the vexing subject of when to exit a relationship with a troubled or abusive parent in an illuminating New York Times article. In speaking from the therapeutic perspective, Friedman contends, “All too often, I think, therapists have a bias to salvage relationships, even those that might be harmful to a patient. Instead, it is crucial to be open-minded and to consider whether maintaining the relationship is really healthy and desirable.” While Friedman falls short of encouraging beleaguered adults to sever ties with difficult parents (this is obviously something best evaluated on a case by case basis) he does contend that these familial relationships are rarely all good or bad; even the most abusive parents can sometimes be loving, which is why severing a bond should be a tough, and rare, decision.

Obviously this is a difficult subject, and an even more difficult decision, not to be taken lightly. I remain curious about this topic, and whether anyone in reader-land has had to wrestle with such a difficult choice? Is the idea of breaking with a parent unthinkable? Should we, as adult children, tough it out regardless? Are toxic relationships to be avoided, no matter who is dishing out the abuse? Where does family allegiance end and self preservation begin?

Eric Steinman is a freelance writer based in Rhinebeck, N.Y. He regularly writes about food, music, art, architecture and culture and is a regular contributor to Bon Appétit among other publications.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Stephanie B.

5:21PM PDT on May 5, 2011

As adults, parents and children, we have different experiences because we ARE different people. At a certain point we need to remember that and treat each other with respect and understanding. I admire parents who accept their adult chidren for who they truly are and have become. Relationships are a two way street, both parties will change and grow. I believe it's personally embracing each others changes and learning to adapt together. Communication is the key. My experience, not only in family relationships but in all relationships, correctly commuincating with one another is very dificult. Knowing how to say things and actually get your point across is where I feel many people struggle. I definately have a hard time expressing my true thoughts sometimes and in my life I feel that puts stress in all my relationships. I wish we could all be truly honest with ourselves and with each other! Respect, understading and honesty from parents and adult children could help in many of our daily family battles.

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Lynn M.

1:54PM PDT on May 5, 2011

What if the parents have done nothing what so ever to their child, and as a adult the child was abusive to the parents ???? For some oddity everyone "BLAMES" the parent !!! I think its a situation that is beyond anyones thinking, so it is NEVER bought up, only in cases where the adult kids are stealing from the parents. I have a daughter who acts 12. constantly playing mind games, she'll switch anything and everything that goes wrong in her life onto someone else, or her parents. No matter what goes on there is always drama, and when there is she'll blame everyone else, including making up stories. I had to back off from this daughter. Its sad,she is 32 and has 3 kids of her own. I am 53 w/ a heart disease, I can't go by her for any extended period of time, I'd have a heart attack. She constantly yells, sometimes it can be really embarrassing, like in stores, when she yells, swears up a blue streak at the clerks. the girl has came after me, left me with blacken eyes, only to have blamed me, as time went on, my family seen, and now the tables are turned. This girl was so good when she was little, we never had to get after her for nothing, she was always good................now she claims her dad hit her w/ a belt. etc.... no, its NOT always the parents who the kids need to keep away, sometimes its the parents who need to keep away from the kids. I don't say a thing anymore, and I don't bother with her, its NOT worth the heartache.

Sandy G.

11:09AM PDT on May 5, 2011

Thank you for the article! I am having to deal with this with both of my parents. My father, an alcoholic who has chosen drink before relationships his entire life, has nonetheless always been there for me & my sister when we needed help. I have no doubt that he loves me deeply, so I continue to try to deal with his ever-worsening angry public outbursts at the world at large. He doesn't care how much his bad behavior bothers my sister and I, yet he becomes sad when we minimize our contact with him, so we always end up putting family before our feelings. My mother on the other hand is a narcissist and a rage-a-holic who enjoys "venting" all her poison, even when all three of her daughters tell her repeatedly that she is too negative and that much toxicity ruins all of our days. I always feel like I need a bath when I get off the phone with her. She is unapologetic and doesn't care in the least about our feelings. Because she is so angry and toxic, & so unwilling to stop the "venting" to us even though we've all told her how uncomfortable it makes us, she is now estranged with two of her daughters, including me. In this case, I feel a huge sense of relief that I now longer have to dread calling her because I haven't in a few weeks. She actually chooses to be estranged with at least one of her daughters at all times; she enjoys the strife and it has always been her MO to have a scapegoat. To sever ties with her is really the only sane choice for me, but it still makes me

KS G.

5:52AM PDT on May 4, 2011

Thanks for the article.

Anne H.

4:46AM PDT on Mar 14, 2011

I agree we should not stay in any relationship which is not good for us. There was a time when my mom did things that were not right and I could not let her be a part of my life. She raised me to have better judgement than that. Time passed and we worked through it and although we lost our mother/daughter relationship that we had I value the friendship we have now. I think she does also.

About five years ago I had to distance myself from a sibling, she is toxic and manipulative. She abuses my other family members and I cannot be a part of it even if they choose to be. I hope one day she will get past this part of her life but until then I must protect myself or I will never be able to love her again.

I see others struggle to be honest w/ their parents and I'd rather live the truth and have difficulties than live a lie. I think we much each figure out what works for us. I'm sometimes better off without family in my life.

Veronika S.

2:34PM PST on Mar 12, 2011

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and when I'm listening to others' talking about their parents, I feel nearly like an alien. In a good way, you know? She's a great person, I have absolutely no problems with her.

Norma G.

5:42PM PDT on Sep 17, 2010

I finally realized that my mom's thoughts of me weren't personal. That means they were unrelated to me. She told me initially that when I was born I stiffened up when she tried to hold me and she knew from that point on that I would be a very difficult child to love. It took me 64 years to realize she dumped on me all the feelings she had about herself and her biological father who abandoned her. All the negative statements were either what she felt about herself or wished she could have said to the father. I can tolerate her for a short time now. She's 93 and becoming more and more demented. Mostly I realize now in my heart and not just rationally that I could have exhibited any behavior and she would have complained about me to everyone else and to me. I'm glad that she is still alive for me to reach this conclusion. It does put my childhood and adult life into perspective for me. I don't have to avoid her totally because her statements to me reflect her not me. They hurt for a little but only in the sense that I wish she would have been different as a person.

John D.

4:51PM PDT on Sep 17, 2010

I just finished reaching the decision of no longer having contact with my mom. For many years we have fought, and gone through phases where we didn't speak, our relationship when it was there was always very strained. I finally relized, that half of my stressed out behaviour was because of my mom. I never felt like anything I did was good enough, she always did things to either make my family and I feel scared of her or uncertain on what to say because we never knew how she would react. She belittled everyone in my home or would spread rumors, the list went on. I just never really realized the amount of damage that was being caused not only to myself but my family as well. I do not regret my decision at all, but as one other person commented it takes many years to reach that decision of cutting off relationships with your parents. It is a difficult one, but as long as it is thought out and you honestly feel that it is a healthy decision, there is nothing wrong with it. Noone can be expected to keep relationships where there is more negative than positive.
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Dr Kathi A.

6:49PM PDT on Jul 2, 2010

No adult should allow ANY person in their life to continue to manipulate them or control them. Difficult as it may be, these people are only harmful to us. Set boundaries & tell these people if they want to remain in your life, they MUST adhere to the boundaries you have stipulated. If they refuse to do so, PAINFUL as it might be, stop responding to them.

Your life is for you to live, not someone else to live through you.

My Dad is [ex-] Marine, what he cannot control, he does not like. I am one of those things he cannot control, plus, I am "a girl". I state my mind & he does not like this. I have had little contact with him since I moved away to go to college. As the years have passed, I have even less to do with him. My Dad is the one who is in the wrong, not me. I know this & I think down deep inside, he knows it too. He just refuses to admit & accept that he is wrong. So he misses out on having his daughter & only grandchild, my son, David, from being in his life.

Julie A.

5:35AM PDT on Jun 11, 2010

Hi Lori,
Your mum is using and manipulating you. You know this. Only you can stop allowing her to. She has no legal right to see you, this threat is just another means to control you. She is an adult, yet she is behaving as if she is the child.
If you can't break from her on your own, get help to do it. See a therapist. Your life will improve amazingly when you no longer think about her all the time. It's not easy, but it's worth it. I know, I've been there.
I send you love and strength.
Julie