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Divorce and 5 Reasons Not to Go to Bed Angry

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Divorce and 5 Reasons Not to Go to Bed Angry

We have been married over 23 years, and, as in any marriage, we have been through both wonderful times and many challenges. We also work together, writing and teaching, and have two offices next to each other. Inevitably, there are times when one or even both of us loses it. We are, after all, very human. But, in all that time, we have been committed to never go to bed angry with each other, or with anyone else.

What we have come to realize is that it is never really about the issue, but the need for the ego to be right. So we try to see how the ego is demanding attention, and then focus on what is really going on. Anger is a powerful and complex emotion — when it grabs hold it is difficult to control your mind or keep your bearings — but there are often layers of conflicting feelings hidden beneath it, such as hurt, insecurity, or fear, trying to make themselves heard. The power of rage is such that it can act as a defense mechanism and overshadow these other emotions, causing us to lose touch with ourselves and struggle to articulate what we are really feeling.

Getting angry may really be a cry for contact, having lost our connectedness with each other; it may be expressing feelings of rejection, grief, loneliness, or a longing to love and be loved. Often anger is saying I love you, or I need you, or please hear me, yet we are hurling abuse at each other instead.

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Ed and Deb Shapiro

You can learn more in our book, Be The Change: How Meditation Can Transform You and the World, forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors Marianne Williamson, Jane Fonda, Ram Dass, Byron Katie and others. Our 3 meditation CD’s: Metta—Loving kindness and Forgiveness; Samadhi–Breath Awareness and Insight; and Yoga Nidra–Inner Conscious Relaxation, are available at:


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8:46AM PDT on Sep 5, 2010

The is some good point and some bad points in this article. However, if you marry an abusive person that you didn't know was abusive, you would be very angry at him treating you the he did.

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11:44AM PST on Mar 5, 2010

thanks for the story and I have never gone to be mad at my spouse...

2:19PM PST on Feb 19, 2010

Thank you I appriciate harmony and truth

2:17PM PST on Feb 19, 2010

Thanks for posting

2:16PM PST on Feb 19, 2010

I agree, because I appriciate harmony and truth . Also anger can be seen as an cosmic interferrance I think anger as a tense emotion is a illusion and manmade

11:37PM PST on Feb 11, 2010

Very good article, thank you.

4:13PM PST on Feb 5, 2010

I always made it a practice never to go to bed mad, and so far I haven't

3:06AM PST on Feb 5, 2010

What the bible says "don't let the sun go down upon your wrath" ... sleep with a clean mind, restful spirit, good thoughts, and you'll wake up happy and lively...

7:26PM PST on Feb 4, 2010

Thanks for the post

5:17AM PST on Feb 4, 2010

Ed & Deb,
I enjoy reading all the articles that you post. Thank you so much for posting this.

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