I just had lunch with one of my inner circle girlfriends, and I confessed to her that my goal for 2013 is to stop resisting communion with the Divine. The conversation that ensued helped me clarify and articulate the challenge Iíve faced in my spiritual journey. Iím sure some of you are leaps and bounds ahead of me in your own spiritual evolution, so Iím putting this out as a call to the Universe (and you!) for guidance around dealing with this resistance.
What exactly do I mean? Let me give you an example of how this sometimes goes down.
Writing Mind Over Medicine
As I described†in this post, I didnít write most of†Mind Over Medicine. My intention was to make myself a vessel and allow the Divine to write it using my flesh-and-blood fingers on a computer keyboard.
When writing the book, I would do my sitting meditation, plunk myself down at the computer, and try to get my ego (I call her†Victoria Rochester) out of the way so the Divine could use me.† Then the words would come out.
At the end of a long day of writing, Iíd look back on what Iíd write as if Iíd just come out of a trance, and sometimes, I couldnít even remember writing what I had just written. It was like I was reading it for the first time.
Then the voices in my head would kick in.
Victoria Rochester: OMG, Iím so special! La di da, Iím channeling!
Inner Pilot Light: Oh darling (pats Victoria on the head), donít you understand that you SO did not write that?
Victoria Rochester: Me me me me meÖ
Inner Pilot Light (shakes head, feeling hopeless): No sweetheart. God. Not you.
What sometimes followed was Victoria throwing a full blown tantrum that manifested as a physiological freak out. My body would shake. Iíd feel like I was crawling out of my skin. And the only way I could soothe myself was to curl up in a ball, lie on the floor, and rock myself.
The first few times this happened, I had no clue what was happening. (God bless Tricia Barrett and†Elisabeth Manning for nursing me through.) But over time, I came to realize that I was having some sort of ego meltdown, that Victoria was resisting the notion of me being God embodied, wanting to believe instead that I am separate, individual, unique, that I am Victoria, not universal Divine consciousness working through a human body.
I did some somatic therapy with†Steve Sisgold, author of†Whatís Your Body Telling You, to help my body catch up with the higher vibration at which Iím trying to operate. It helped the somatic freak out, but Victoria still runs amok at times.
Calling In The Animals
My body behaved better, but a similar Victoria vs. Inner Pilot Light conversation went down when I called in the whales, the dolphins, the coyotes, and a dog and a cat who had run away (you can read about how I applied†Martha Beckís 4 Technologies of Magic in order to do this here).
In the moment of communing with the spirits of the animals, the feeling of universal connection, the unbridled joy of knowing we are ALL ONE, not separate individual consciousness, but shared collective consciousness, was so magical, so yummy, so ecstatic and wondrous and filled with awe. It was Ė for lack of a better word Ė nirvana.
And then Victoria shows up with her spiritual arrogance and tries to convince me that Iím different, special, unique, that Iím somehow ďchosenĒ Ė which of course negates the truth of the Oneness and is total BS.
Bending Spoons & Whispering To Horses
I noticed less resistance when I finally learned to bend silverware (as I wrote about here) and energetically whispered to the horses at Martha Beckís ranch (which you can read about here). Victoria tried to get all ďCheck me out! Iím bending spoons and telepathically communicating with horses!Ē
But this time, the voice of my Inner Pilot Light was stronger. My body felt calm. My Inner Pilot Light soothed Victoria. The evidence was building Ė this kind of spiritual magic is SO not about me. I had more peace about the whole thing, but then I resisted.
Itís becoming increasingly clear that one of my most important jobs in 2013 is to finally release all resistance to direct communication with Divine consciousness, to truly surrender, lovingly send Victoria to time out, and allow myself to be fully used† in service to healing health care and whatever else Divine consciousness chooses to use me for.
But this is easier said than done, because doing so means letting go of the illusion of myself as someone separate from the whales, the spoons, all the other humans on earth, and the Divine. Itís an ego death Ė a knife in the heart of Victoria, who, like a wounded animal, is resisting with every fiber of her being the act of truly surrendering.
How does this resistance show up? Victoria has her tricks. But when I resist, when I listen to this nonsense Victoria spews, the magic stops. I disconnect. Victoria wins, and my Inner Pilot Light is sad.
How I Lower My Vibration
I engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that make me feel smaller, less expansive, less in touch with Divine consciousness. I hang out with lower vibration people. Or I drink wine. Or I let myself veer out of alignment with pure integrity.
Why do I do this? Thatís what Iím examining. I think itís two-fold. In part, I lower my vibration because it feels more comfortable than operating at a higher vibration, which while it feels great, feels new and sometimes very scary. Lowering my vibration returns me to my comfort zone.
Iíve also just gained awareness that I lower my vibration out of fear. The more I lean into my spiritual growth, the more distance it tends to create between me and those who donít really resonate with me when Iím operating at that higher vibration. I think Iím afraid of losing people Iíve known for a long time, those who arenít necessarily familiar with what it means to operate at a higher vibration and who feel disconnected or even threatened by me when I do.
Iím still such a relative spiritual seeker newbie that I havenít quite learned how to hold my higher vibration when in the midst of lower vibration individuals. So I isolate. And that gets interpreted as rejection or arrogance, which isnít how I want to operate. Obviously, true spiritual masters can completely hold their spiritual center even when surrounded by low vibration people. Me, not so much yet. Iím learning. But I tend to lose my center. The muscle that allows me to keep my center regardless of how much fear surrounds me is something Iím working on.
I was blessed to have breakfast this week in Lake Tahoe with spiritual teacher Craig Hamilton, who has a whole module in his upcoming 9 week spiritual evolution teleseminar series about how to navigate marrying your own spiritual growth with the other people in your life, especially when theyíre not growing with you. (If youíre curious about Craigís work,†register here for a free teleseminar heís leading: Activating the Impulse of Evolution:The Simple & Radical Shift That Can Liberate You From The Patterns Of The Past & Unlock The Door To An Authentic, Enlightened Life, which will be presented this Thursday, March 14th.)
Avoiding Spiritual Arrogance
Even as I read back over what Iíve just written, Iím aware of something I see in spiritual communities Ė this tendency to get all ďsuperiorĒ when talking about others who arenít as ďspiritual.Ē We are all One. We are all equal. Nobody is better or worse than or even more or less evolved. We all are right where weíre supposed to be in our spiritual evolution.
But because Iím still trying to find and keep my center, there are some people who lift my vibration, while there are others who lower it. And thatís what Iím trying to learn how to navigate. Again, wisdom is welcome!
My Year Of Non-Resistance
Iím aware of these patterns, and sharing them with you feels vulnerable, but itís whatís true for me, and Iíve always shared with you what is true for me.
The resistance has lessened in the past two years. But thereís still lingering resistance that shows up in the ways in which I make myself small, which appeases Victoria and leaves me feeling comfortable Ė but glumly disconnected.
Today, I told my friend Iím ready to draw the line in the sand, to fully trust, to Divinely surrender, to release the resistance, to make myself a vessel, to quiet Victoria, to amplify my Inner Pilot Light, to invite the magic in, not just sometimes, but as often as my flawed human self can allow. She promised to witness my vow, and now, as I vowed to her and asked for Divine support in honoring my vow, Iím also vowing to you, my readers. Please hold me accountable to this. Prayers are welcome, as is guidance, so please, wise ones who no longer resist and have avoided the tendency towards spiritual arrogance that plagues some, tell what youíve learned.
Do You Resist Divine Communion?
Are you willing to fully surrender? Or do you resist like I do?
Please share your stories and any wisdom you think might help me and others with a tendency to resist the magic.
Releasing resistance (I hope),