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Dog vs. Cat Diary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He has obviously gone mad.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

 

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Cherise Udell

Cherise Udell is a mom, clean air advocate, anthropologist and feline aficionado with the nomadic habit of taking spontaneous sojourns to unusual destinations. Before her adventures in motherhood, she was an intrepid Amazon jungle guide equipped with a pair of sturdy wellingtons and a 24-inch machete, as well as a volunteer at a rainforest animal rescue center.

217 comments

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10:58AM PDT on Sep 29, 2014

I laugh every time I read this. :D

10:38PM PDT on Aug 11, 2014

I tell my husband that I think the cats all chipped in and took an insurance policy out on me. They have the weaving in and out around my feet - even on the stairs - down to a science :)

3:15AM PDT on Jul 21, 2014

Haha, brilliant! Thanks for sharing

2:16PM PDT on Jul 15, 2014

i've seen this many times and i still took the time to read it - and laugh! it's funny because it's so accurate!!

12:11AM PDT on Jul 10, 2014

Thanks for sharing!

3:47PM PDT on Jul 1, 2014

funny and true

7:03PM PDT on Jun 7, 2014

Really interesting... Thanks.

12:53AM PDT on May 30, 2014

:)

2:09PM PDT on May 28, 2014

This has been around the internet for a long time but it's still funny.

11:30AM PDT on May 3, 2014

Thanks for sharing

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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