Regardless of what kind of relationship you are in, the foundation for its success is based on your ability to experience and articulate your feelings.†† The authentic self disclosure of the joy, fear, anger and pleasure that your time together brings you is the adhesive material that makes relationships real. Most of us are handicapped by our feelings. Not only do we not often give ourselves the permission and space to feel them, but often they exist without us even being able to name them. Our internal experiences that donít get expressed with language donít just go away. They live in us and often surprise us with their sudden re-appearance at times when we least expect them.
Thinking about our feelings like weather patterns is a helpful beginning. Like a sudden storm, they inform and distract with their intensity. They are changeable and act on the environment and relationships you are in with great power. They reflect the nature of the moment with great accuracy.†† Our ability to experience and share our feelings in meaningful ways is one of the profound marks of our humanity.
Yet feelings are for many people a locked box; an experience that overwhelms and is difficult to express. We are taught in a variety of circumstances and for a variety of reasons to suppress our feelings. We learn to silence our feelings so well that the messages in our bodies are not even discernible.† Suppressed feelings are not as invisible as you might think. They take on a life in our dreams and eventually become diseases in our bodies. Our inability to express our feelings cuts us off not only from our own experience but limits the connection we feel with the people we love most.
Part of the reason we disconnect from our emotional life is because we are afraid we will be overtaken by our feelings. Small children are frequently shaken by the enormity of their emotional experience. When was the last time you witnessed a temper tantrum in the grocery store–what better metaphor for a giant storm raging inside a little body? What happened when your feelings were too big to hold when you were a child?† What happens now?