I want to exercise. Seriously, I do. I want to in the way that makes me get up and put on workout clothes every single morning because TODAY, if nothing else happens, there will be yoga or a hike in the woods. When the children come home, my daughter says with big smile on her face, “You do yoga, mom?” She (and just about everyone else I’ve ever met) knows how much I long to do yoga and hike in the woods. She seems genuinely excited for me, until I say, “Um… no. I meant to but it seems I never did actually DO it…”
Strangely, she shows no judgement of her pathetic mother. Clearly, the same cannot be said for me. I feel sort of pathetic… okay, terribly so. At least, I did until today… when I was hiking in the woods.
Somewhere around 17 years old, I started to put on “the weight”. It seemed in my blurry memory that I went from little girl to an overweight young woman in one fell swoop, like when I stopped growing up… I just kept growing out. But, it was not so. A few years ago, I was looking at old pictures and realized that I started putting on the weight around 17 years old, right after I met the man who a couple years in married and had babies with me.
No, he wasn’t some deranged food pusher. This was my first really serious relationship, not that I realized that at the time. Before him, I’d been sort of consumed by relationship chaos… one “boyfriend” after the next. I was searching for “the one”, which I later realized was me (much, much later that is). Either way, being in the security of our relationship put an end to that chaos and then the chaos shifted into my relationship with food. Also, I spent so much time being young and “in love” that I wasn’t engaged in any sort of physical activity. Getting serious with him did not change that, my focus was on him… not me. I was already living my life from the outside in.
That’s what I found out in the woods today. I’ve always seen myself from the outside in. Starting this journey to lose weight, I would wake up every day with the intention, the need, even the desire to move my body… but I could not make myself do it. I realized I was stuck, in the way people are when they hire me to be their Life Coach, so I reached out to mine.