http://www.care2.com/greenliving/freedom-from-resentment.html
Freedom from Resentment
Resentment builds up when we are not real with the people in our lives. It is that which is left unsaid that causes resentment, often little things that pile on top of each other, until the tiniest event can cause an explosive reaction. Try incorporating these habits into your life to free yourself from resentment:
Say what you feel, in the moment
Speaking our truth is one of the hardest things for us to do, and telling people — especially the people we love and admire — when we are annoyed with them, is often extremely difficult. The reason it is so hard is that we are afraid of rejection, of losing their approval, and ultimately, losing their love. But when we don’t say what is going on, the momentary irritation or conflict that was generated by their actions is stored inside, and adds to all the other times we have repressed similar annoyances. The spontaneity of the relationship has then gone — if we pretend to be nice and friendly, our interactions become a performance — an act, where true love is hard to find. When you decide to face the fear of rejection and say what you are really feeling, your transparency sets you free, allowing you to release the built up judgments and emotions, and let go of resentment.
Develop a loving relationship with yourself
The need to receive approval from our loved ones, the need to control and manipulate their opinion of us, comes from our own need for acceptance and love. It is only when we have lost the ability to accept ourselves that we start worrying about what other people think, and so start hiding and contorting ourselves in order to become what we consider “good enough”. In order to change this, we must go inwards, and start looking at ourselves. Pay less attention to how the outside tells you to be, and start listening to the voice of your own heart. This will make it easier for you to start speaking your truth, and letting go of the need for external approval.
Feel your emotions
In order to release the built up charge of resentment, allow yourself to feel. Young children don’t feel resented exactly because of this — they feel everything, without “filtering” what they should or should not express. Because of this, they are able to see everything afresh — every moment is new, full of possibility and excitement. Let yourself feel. Let yourself get angry, allow yourself the liberty of feeling sad. When you do, you will find that the resentment and bitterness around events of the past begin to lift, and you are able to recuperate the magic and innocent wonder of childhood.
Isha Judd is an internationally renowned spiritual teacher and author; her latest book and movie, Why Walk When You Can Fly? explain her system for self-love and the expansion of consciousness. Learn more at www.whywalkwhenyoucanfly.com.
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9 comments
add your comment »Steve S,
Got the bumper sticker on the car, the only one I'd ever have. ;)
But, resentment the prevailing subject...it is hard for many to not resent. Why? Because time, sweat, emotional involvement, toil all come together one day and band together to create a huge bomb called resentment. It is when some wrong has been perceived, in reality or by spell or by intervention.
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I totally relate, Lu Ann. When I read your comment, you could have been writing for me! For example: when my father was languishing in the hospital, it was I who would speak up to the nurses for more meds, and who would have the "nerve" to confront doctors, etc. Some of my family members considered that too angry and/or too aggressive! When it is many against you, you can too easily come to the conclusion that you are too aggressive or angry or confrontational--you can give your power away. Then you separate from the confines of family, meet others who applaud your advocacy and voice, and you come to realize that you are perfectly OK, and maybe the family members weren't angry *enough.* I absolutely think it's OK to confront, especially with serious issues, but my former comment is basically calling up the old (but wise) adage, "Pick your battles." Some things are not even worth fighting for, for various reasons, and we need to be mature enough to discern the difference.
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Interestingly, my experience has been one of being criticized for expressing my feelings, and that criticism for truth, more than the actual acts of neglect and abuse experienced as a child, has been particularly conducive to resentment for me.
It seems as if everyone in my immediate family wants only to 'make nice' and not talk or address things. Everyone in the family says that I'm the one with the "temper" because I speak up (normally called judiciuosly angry).
I find that years later, the frustrating conundrum leaves me exhausted and willing to actively withdraw from family functions all together. Yet now the resentment builds and I am beginning to have a 'temper' over every little thing, proving them right. Ahh, the vicious circle of life.
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NICE concept. However, the real Problem is political Correctness. It drives our lives. It causes us to NOT speak our true minds and feelings. Do I think we should be insulting for the fun of it NOT at all. But we allow individuals to act in ways and effect our lives without any confrontation due to our not wanting to offend them or a group, yet they offend us continually. Individual rights are trampled on due to Political Correctness. Once you give up your rights for another, you become a whipping post for them. EXAMPLE: The shootings at fort hood. No one wants to call it as it is due to offending the muslim community. IT IS WHAT IT IS. CAUSE: Muslim Radical Religion. Are all this way? NO. Everyone worries about offending him and his followers Yet no one cares about the Victims and their families, children left behind. We executed the DC Sniper, the Oaklahoma bomber, without concern for their religious beleifs or upsetting some group they belonged too.Its time to be truthful. Call it like it is. Our country, our brain gives us the right and ability to speak the real truth. Would I insult a persons favorite outfit? Not really. Would I call a murderer a murderer YES. A religious terrorist a threat to america? YES Absolutly and I do not care what color, race or Group they are attached too. Without truth among ourselves we are the targets. They know its our weekness. Thats why they use it so much. its a deadly trend. Only in America people.
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Thirty years ago I was very very unhappy and I could not understand why. I would listen to people talk, give their opinions (which mine often differed from). I would be polite like society teaches us to be, say nothing or just a few very carefully chosen words. I am not say you should not choose you words wisely but to the point you are not expressing your full heart, that is not healthy. I had been doing a lot of reading and counseling and finally figured out, If I am making an effort to let other people say all that they want I should be given the same in return. It was then I decided I would live from a world of total honesty the best I could. I started to speak up and say what was real and honest for me. It does work, I have continued to grow, learn by happy with the person I am and continue to grow to be. Honesty is the foundation to a full happy life in my case. Yes there are risks in doing that but a life lived without taking risks is not worth living to me. You die a little more each day when you do not work from what is the honest base of Your heart and soul. Barbara H.
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You have to balance what you feel (your "truth") with the value and/or appropriateness of speaking your mind. Suppose you feel resentment, but the resentment is misplaced or not justified? Unleashing it could then do more damage to the situation or relationship, which could potentially shut down further disclosure, not encourage it. Some resentments absolutely need to be vocalized, and some are manifestations of unrealistic expectations. We *do* have to filter our reactions and monitor expectations--it's part of being an adult, and there is nothing wrong with that!
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I agree. The difficulty comes when putting theory, however much you agree with it, into practice.
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If resentment, bitterness, and filters are absent in childhood, I never had one, at least as far back as I can remember (2-3).
That said, thinking like the idealized child in your description has and does work!
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Coexist
Survival ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy, reciprocity
Pagan ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy, reciprocity
Confucius ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy, reciprocity
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Judaism ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy, reciprocity
Buddhism ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy, reciprocity
Christian ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy, reciprocity
Islam ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy, reciprocity
Wicca ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy, reciprocity
Humanism ~ love, Family, values, peace, empathy reciprocity
"Coexist" by Steve Schlicht
Do you believe as I do?
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