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Generative Listening

Generative Listening

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force….When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” Karl Menninger and I have been talking a lot about listening lately, hence, I have been wondering how to listen more and talk less. For any of you who know me, you know this as a life quest. Then as life would have it, I was presented with another chance to learn how. My seventeen-year-old son has been learning some hard lessons in the gentlest of ways recently through the eyes of his new girlfriend. Of course, I want to talk to him about it, but today in his blinding frustration and fear, I actually just listened. I thought I knew what he would say but once I stopped thinking and expecting what would come next, I saw him and heard him in a way that is rare between us.

My problem, and one that I share with many, is that I often get stopped at the words, when in fact real listening happens in the spaces beneath the words. Peter Senge describes it eloquently when he said, “You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light, which the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow your mind’s hearing to your ears’ natural speed and hear beneath the words to their meaning.”

This kind of listening is a place of grace. It is a mysterious and magnetic force that pulls people into that quiet attentive presence, which allows us to unfold and know ourselves. This is what I think my husband tried to tell me when he said that listening can be a shelter, too. I didn’t yet understand the healing and reciprocity that occurs when you step inside another’s experience completely. Judgment is replaced and what is left unifies the speaker and the listener so that both people walk away somehow enlarged and expanded.

Often, words don’t really describe things nearly as well as they describe our relationship to them. This is where misunderstanding comes from; in our rush to communicate we often hear the words, but not the heart of what is being said. Slowing down and paying full attention to the people you love gives you the chance to heal and connect in a way that words cannot. I am learning about the power of a loving silence, which gives the people you care about the chance to figure out what is inside of them.

Later that night my son struggled to express his feelings again. Taking the cue I have missed for years, but understood earlier in the day, I simply sat next to him quietly. The truth of the expertly crafted question showered over us and there he was finding the courage to look at aspects of relating that I have shouted at him for years. Truly no one can tell anyone anything, but we can be a loving presence to listen for what will become a protected and non-judgmental silence. This is why one of the most famous Supreme Court justices in American history, Oliver Wendell Holmes said; “It is the province of knowledge to speak and the privilege of wisdom to listen.”

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships, which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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4:24AM PST on Dec 26, 2012


9:26AM PDT on Aug 10, 2012


9:01AM PDT on Aug 18, 2011

Thanx for those insights!My family has a communication style that is very competitive.Instead of listening well,we jump in and speak because we are all educators we think we know best the answers before the listening is complete...I'm learning to engage in listening and give each word its' moment.It slows me down to a contemplative place that is hard to find in our fast paced world.Take turns and live well!

1:20PM PST on Dec 1, 2010

It's amazing how many people do not listen at all or fake it. You can tell by their eyes especially if they have totally tuned you out!! I remember things so well by truly listening & taking an interest in what they are saying. Great article. I will remember your quote non-judgmental listening love it!!

7:46AM PDT on Jun 12, 2010

True listening, along witrh heart-to-heart connection, is truly a privilege. Too bad that more of us do not indulge in it.

4:32AM PST on Dec 18, 2009


11:42AM PDT on Aug 16, 2009

The protected & non-judgmental listening is the one I like the best in this article ,as it make people to understand each other more & feel safe together

3:49AM PDT on Aug 16, 2009

Beautiful truths - and very worthwhile and useful!

10:46AM PDT on Aug 15, 2009

In the book, "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," habit number 5 states:

Seek to First Understand, Then to Be Understood.

Understanding builds the skills of empathic listening that inspire openness and trust.

9:55AM PDT on Aug 15, 2009

Dear Wendy, I am "in the business" of listening, and will be the first to say I am not immune to needing reminders to slow down, and listen deeply. Thank you for providing that today. In my work as a spiritual director, we sometimes talk about "listening one another into being." In other words, we become more fully ourselves when we are listened to well, with love, and without expectation. To listen this way, I think, requires a curious spirit and a patient heart; and trust that beautiful things may be birthed by the simple act of our listening -- even if that birthing happens long down the road, long after the listening has taken place.

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