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Give Yourself Some Compassion

Give Yourself Some Compassion

This is a moment of suffering / Suffering is part of life / May I be kind to myself in this moment / May I give myself the compassion I need.

This is a mantra that Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, shared on my radio show recently when I asked her how do you begin to be kind to yourself.  Her book is an eloquent mix of  strong social science research and her own personal stories of finding the power of self-kindness during the discovery and healing process of her son’s autism.  She was drawn to the idea of compassion early in her career when she began a Buddhist meditation practice and she witnessed the powerful shifts that came through compassion. This experience lead her to create an empirical system to measure and research compassionate behavior.

Compassion is not a well understood emotional skill because we often wrongly compare it to pity, which is actually its antithesis.  Pity separates us from other people’s suffering, where as compassion recognizes suffering as one of the fundamental unifying experiences of being human. Deep compassionate feelings are the source of our empathic experience,  the moments in life where we open ourselves the pain and suffering of others and realize that it is no different than our own.  Compassion teaches us to be mindful about our suffering and encourages us to replace resistance to suffering with the power of human kindness.

Compassion for ourselves may be the most challenging behavior of all to master.  This occurred to Kristin when she was researching the negative emotional impact that came from the pursuit for self-esteem.  In fact, there are many recent studies that support the negative impact of building our lives around  “contingent self-worth” which is another way of saying that we are only as ok as others tell us. Having your sense of self hanging on the evaluations of other people and outside events is deeply emotionally destabilizing because it is so impermanent.  High self-esteem moments are fleeting and attaching our self worth to the temporary successes and failures that make up life is unreliable at best, and crazy-making at worst.

Self-compassion on the other hand is a skill set worth developing because it kicks in just when our sense of self worth is bottoming out.  Self-compassion helps you to heal the destructive self talk and damaging old emotional patterns that make happiness and health so elusive for so many people.   Learning to be kind to ourselves when life is not conforming to our hopes is life changing.   It is the doorway to learning to love ourselves and accept the ups and downs of life on earth with grace, patience and humor.

Honestly,  too, if we would all learn to be a little kinder to ourselves,  we would be amazed at how much easier it would be to be kinder to those we love.

For more, see The Importance of Self-Compassion

 

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

30 comments

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7:50AM PDT on May 26, 2012

marvelous clarity on the concept

11:35PM PDT on Oct 24, 2011

Compassion is one of the most precious gifts this universe has to give. Compassion not only sees the pain of the world, but paradoxically sees the incredible beauty and oneness back of creation.

2:46PM PDT on Sep 27, 2011

We owe it to ourselves to be kind to ourselves, claim our lives and live it the way that will make us happy. In times of chaos , it is important to evaluate one's self-worth, rise above the pettiness hold that higher vision of oneself. Never, ever think of yourself as a victim- this victim complex is self-defeating.

5:24PM PDT on Sep 18, 2011

thk you . this is me to a tee. the book sounds gud.

8:35AM PDT on Sep 17, 2011

This is the hardest thing to do!

7:47AM PDT on Sep 17, 2011

Thanks for this, I think that understanding that self-compassion and pity are complete opposites is the key to uplifting yourself instead of dragging yourself down

4:33AM PDT on Sep 17, 2011

Thanks for sharing, this is so true. In the midst of the chaos that is life, we often forget to be kind to ourselves, which is such an important process!

10:02PM PDT on Sep 15, 2011

So true... My choice & gift to me (specially) for today!:)
Great article, thank you.

9:40PM PDT on Sep 15, 2011

it is always a small gesture of genuine care that makes the biggest difference. It is always that small group of concerned and caring people who change the world. It is up to you to offer your best without sacrificing more than just a bit of what you have in abundance to save the world. Imagine if everyone did it?

6:26PM PDT on Sep 15, 2011

I am very compassionate to others, probably more than I should be at times. However, I do struggle in showing compassion for myself. In the recent past I have been able to lessen my need to nuture everyone around me which has led to concentrating on my own needs. I realized that I should have been doing that all along as I struggled with my own self esteem. It did not even occur to me until I had a life threatening experience due to lack of my own neglect to myself. I am now a kinder and gentler person to me:)

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