Healing Our Inner Needs

All of us bring needs to relationships, but they don’t have to turn into attachment. Attachment is created when needs aren’t understood and faced. Needs you place on your partner never really get resolved; therefore even if your partner bends over backwards to satisfy every need you have, the final outcome will be the same as if none of your needs were met: You will be left to confront why you have such needs.

This “why” is answered by examining how you feel about being in separation, for the underlying anxiety of separation from God, spirit, and Self is what created need in the first place.

When you heal separation, your needs will not reflect fear and insecurity.

However, in many relationships there is a confusing mismatch between what two people actually consider most important. How can neediness be healed when there is constant jockeying over what two people want? We have to make a distinction between external needs, like food and shelter, and inner needs. Inner needs come down to what makes you feel secure.

We were all shaped by society to expect security from different sources. Men tend to find security in power, career, skills, information, intelligence, winning, and physical strength. Women tend to find security in family, a strong mate, sharing, communication, their own emotions, and being loved.

You need to recognize imbalances where they exist and take responsibility for them. The object is to find the balance of male and female within you rather than take the easy road, which is to attach yourself to someone else’s strengths as a compensation for your weaknesses.

Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).

60 comments

Marianne Good
Past Member 3 years ago

Thanks for sharing.

Fiona T.
Fi T.3 years ago

Before accepting others, it's advisable to listen to and understand oneself first

Diane Wayne
Past Member 5 years ago

Thank you.

Mary B.
Mary B.5 years ago

Laura R. I think your insights on human love are accurate. We do need each other, that's why we form relationships. Unconditional love is not hard at all once you realize it doesn't mean putting up with anything and everything. Quite the opposit. It's detatched and moves away from anything unlike its self. Have you ever had a day or week alone where you're free to eat what you want, do what you want, all that. How free and open and flowing that makes you feel, then when someone comes to visit, you have loads of love energy to spill on them? That's unconditional love. But if they come in and start grousing and insulting and demanding, that loving feeling goes back inside and bolts the door. And then,mere humans that we are, have to deal with a jerk. If you can unconditionally love yourself 1st, putting up with a jerk won't even be an option.
Al B. I think Dr Chopra knows God is not a human. He merely uses that term to relate to those who still need that more personalized definition. Lots of spiritual teachers do that.

Laura Roberts

I used to think this sort of difference between the sexes was a complimentary thing that gave balance, but that led to depedance/attachment. Suffering resulted from fear of loosing that balance, since my half of my proverbial eggs were in some elses basket. Why is it that unconditional love is so difficult in intimate relationships?

Mark S.
Mark S.5 years ago

Thank you for posting. Very good food for thought.

Alexandra Rodda
Alexandra Rodda5 years ago

There really cannot be separation from one's self and from God. The feeling that there is illusory.

Joy Wong
Joy Wong5 years ago

Thanks for sharing.

Mary L.
Mary L.5 years ago

Trina Firey I honor your strength in not giving up. I am sorry you are afraid of death. I hope you loose your fears for your heart's sake.

Elena B, you are right no one can over come fear for you. That doesn't mean they can't help. I would be so lost without the help I've gotten over the course of my life. You are very strong, I am sure there are people you've helped to survive.

Janice L.
Janice Lawrence5 years ago

I just got out of a relationship where my fellow had needs that couldn't be met. I felt more like a nursie than a girlfriend!